I don't know how to go

[sadsadwoman]

I've namechanged for this as I think my H comes on here.
We separated (officially, signed paperwork) a few months ago. He is constantly miserable. We still live together. It really isn't ideal. Today, after being worn down by him crying I said well maybe we can work at it. He is immediately chipper and I realised he really doesn't give a fuck if I'm miserable. He doesn't care. I've been with him for many years and we've never been close. He wants to be happy and he wants the kids to be happy and I just want to die. Everything he does makes me angry or sad. I am not sure how to carry on just so they are all happy. I'm so sad. I actually think I hate him and it makes me a horrible person. How can I get through? How can I do this til I'm 60 (when the youngest leaves)? He complains that I'm not working at it and doesn't realise I worked at it for decades.
Sorry for my abstract and long post. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to live like this.

Tbh you just need to tell him it is over and file for divorce.

Pack a bag and just walk out the door. Once you rip the plaster off you will find your stride.

I’ve been there - you just have to do it. The crying is worst but it’s just a manipulation technique he knows works

Stop placating him with false promises you know you can't and shouldn't keep. You are miserable. Your marriage is over. Stay strong and get the divorce over with. You will be so happy you did.

Thank you so much for your replies. I know I must go but other than just disappearing I'm not sure how to do it. I'm being very useless right now.

I really appreciate you being kind to me. Thank you.

Your probably feeling really depressed. I had my friend pick me up as I knew I wouldn’t let her drive all the way to mine and not get in. My ex was even crying in the street to the point she as going to pull over as she felt so bad! But once I was in the car I wanted to go.

You will feel like a huge big fucking weight has been lifted. Honestly it’s like stepping in to the sunshine.

Just do it.

You need to get on with a divorce and have your own place. What's stopping you, practically?

Emotionally, it's not better for the children to have you miserable and modelling a dysfunctional relationship - is it what you'd be happy for them to have when they're older?

@category12 that's my big sadness
, that my kids will think this is normal.

I was all set to move out @PGtipsplease and you are right, but he doesn't care if I'm miserable. He cares about him and the kids and he had a bad childhood and no father so any marriage is better than no marriage it seems. He believes being together is the be all and end all.

I was on antidepressants and drinking 1/2 bottles of wine a day but he still doesn't accept that the situation makes me sad. I can only conclude that he doesn't care. This makes me feel hopeless.
I think I can deal if I go on drugs again and carry on drinking. Or I leave and be selfish.

I can't think straight. I'm useless and a selfish asshole.

Start divorce proceedings and your solicitor will advise you what to do along the way.

If you have children then you need to stay . Ask him to leave and start divorce proceedings .

I remember when I was on antidepressants and drinking 2 bottles of wine a day because I was miserable in my marriage. One day I suddenly realised my children would see all of it as normal. That was the moment I decided to leave. I didn’t want my marriage to be the model for their future relationships.

I left two months later after some planning. Within 24 hours of leaving I was starting to feel a bit better and no longer wanted to die. I no longer ‘needed’ alcohol. The depression started to lift. The kids were sad at first, but not as sad as I think they would be if I were drunk or dead.

The first step is so so difficult. Every step after that is a little easier. I hope you find your way out.

Look, you said yourself that you don't want your kids to think this is normal. So the only one you're catering to by staying in the relationship is him. Why is he more important than your kids and your mental health? He's the selfish one.

Inertia and fear are what are keeping you there.

Give yourself a shake. How the fuck is it better to stay and self-medicate with booze or drugs? What sort of life is that for your kids? That would be selfish.

Come on. Start working out the practicalities of leaving.

He doesn't care about the kids, he may think he does but the DC being part of a miserable dynamic is so bad for them.

It's about him and his issues and his hang ups. You don't need his permission to end it.

Get the divorce papers served, stop drinking (get all the support you can with that).

If you leave without the DC what do you hope the outcome to be?

You are NOT useless or a selfish asshole. You are in a situation that isn't tolerable and it's making you depressed, of course.
You need to end it. Proceed, things will work out one way or another, they will.

I'm useless and a selfish asshole
Who is feeding you this bullshit!!????
I assume it's him!
How the hell is wanting a bit of happiness being selfish?
It's a basic human right!
Stop listening to him.
You've realised he doesn't give a shiny shit about you so he will say anything to make you feel like crap if you leave.
Get an exit plan in place and stick to it.
You can co-parent and be happy and have happy kids.
Do NOT accept this half life.
You get one shot at this. Do not waste any more of it.
Take back control of YOUR life!

Look into your people pleasing tendancies.
Some counselling for you might help here.
You are NOT selfish - that is HIM being selfish - NOT YOU!!!!

OP here I think I may have fucked up the name change.

Anyway, I'm so grateful for your replies. You've made a bad situation infinitely better by putting into words what I daren't or can't . I'm so grateful to you all. Thank you.

I need to leave. I'm so emotionally manipulated. And now the kids do it, but I see now that it's just how they see him do things. They will only have a healthy future if I break free. I must do this for them.
Thank you.
Fingers crossed for strength in this. I'm so thankful. Thank you.

Good luck sadsadwoman,

I have taken steps too x x

OP I'm concerned about the welfare of your children if you are sinking up to two bottles of wine a day. This is a really dysfunctional situation and an unhealthy environment for children.

Perhaps if we move the pity party from you to them, for a moment. I'm wondering who is taking care of their needs and what kind of stability they have. Children need stability but they've got separated parents who can't make up their minds about their own relationship. One of which is drinking themselves into an early grave and doing nothing to improve the situation.

You say 'go on drugs again' so are you an addict as well?

Have you considered reaching out for help? Going to a doctor about your alcoholism perhaps?

You're right. You are selfish and your children deserve better.

12345kbm The OP said she was on anti depressants, the 'drugs' she's referring to, and drinking. She's clearly very unhappy and confused.
OP, please take the positive advice you have been given. Good luck

Thank you @Oblahdeeoblahdoe . Yes @12345kbm I just mean antidepressants. Their dad is a full time father and absolutely takes care of their needs. On a fundamental level they are well taken care of. You are right that on an emotional level they can't be. So I am selfish to stay? If this is the case then I should absolutely go. You are right.
I told my husband that I will not drink anymore at all as I have every intention of making sure I do right by the kids.
But I also know now (we spoke last night) that in order to get some semblance of a life back that I need to move out or remove him. As he is now saying I can't have anytime away because it's bad for the kids. I realise now he is a controlling.

If I'm selfish for staying aren't I selfish for going also? I want to do the best for them. If I go he may stop me from seeing them.

I would get some legal advice before committing to any course of action. If he's currently primary carer, you should make sure you do things right. Find out what your options are regarding finances, housing and residency. Knowledge will help you set a course.

I would quit drinking now.

How were you before you met him OP? Good mental health? Not reliant on alcohol? If you have always struggled with MH, then I think you should try to fix that first with therapy etc in order to feel strong enough to move our - or to try legal action for him to move.
As another PP said, get legal advice if he has been the primary carer so that you are aware of the likely outcome of one of you leaving. Do you want to be the primary carer? If not, move out sooner than later.

You made a mistake saying you might work at it because he was sad.

Tell him so, that you want a divorce properly, and talk practically about one of you moving out.

That was absolutely a mistake @NewNameGuy . You're right.

He's primary carer because I work constantly, but it was only the last year or so.

I've emailed my lawyer and I'll meet them next week:

I haven't ever done it, but I'm sure it's a really hard thing to go through.
Good luck