I just need a bit of a hand hold and some reassurance really. Been together 17 years, married for 6. We have two DC who are 10 and 7.
We've always been quite different (he's a complete introvert, very quiet and likes his own company, I'm pretty much the opposite. Never really been an issue, we've always got on well and had fun together although I do often wonder if we'd have lasted if we hadn't had children so young (I got pregnant with our eldest by accident when we were still living at home with parents). Not sure what the point to all this info is, just giving you a bit of background I guess...
As I say we've always got on well. Our relationship wasn't perfect (whose is?!) but we were generally happy, up until the last year or so. More like a year and a half really. It's been issue after issue and he's done so much to hurt me and although I'm not perfect, I really feel like I've done a lot to fix our relationship and he's just not really stepped up and tried to fix it like I have.
I'm a bit worried about going into too much detail in case anyone in real life reads this and figures out who I am (not that it matters I guess - anyone that already knows what happened is someone I trust with that information, so no big deal I guess). But to cut a long story short, he's just kept hurting me repeatedly and I've kept forgiving it and now it's like he's finally realised what he could have lost and is now being everything I wanted him to be months ago but I'm just not sure if it's too little too late? I'm really struggling to forgive him.
We had issues for a few months with arguing a lot and just generally not getting on. We were trying to fix it but then he went through a stage of saying he didn't know how he felt about me and we should separate, then he'd backtrack and say he loved me. This happened about 3 times. While all this was happening he also had a crush on someone he was working with and I found out he'd been looking at her social media quite a lot and googling her etc. Nothing ever happened between them (I do know this for a fact) however it's clear that this stupid 'crush' made him question our relationship which felt like a massive betrayal to me, he doesn't even talk to or see her any more but I've never really got over it.
To completely top it off, I then caught him on a sex hook up site. He wasn't on there long before I caught him (stupid idiot) and I don't think he'd met up with anyone (though I realise I'll never know this for sure), not that it really matters because being on there was bad enough. He'd been messaging people but I only got to see a few of the messages. I've seen similar threads on here recently about stuff like this and seen that people are trying to work through it so I've been trying to do the same.
I know how all this sounds, even just typing this I feel like such an idiot. I threw him out after the hook up site thing and then he begged for another chance and said he'd had like a crisis/breakdown in the last year and he knows he's done some stupid things, but he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and our family. Since then, on the surface things have been better - it's been months now and he's doing everything I wish he could have done months ago when he was making me feel like shit. He's giving me attention, actually doing his bit and helping around the house, takes me out and spends time with me and is generally just consistently being a better husband.
Problem is, obviously I know he's a liar don't I? I just can't trust him. I've been trying to hard to make this work and keep our family together and I can be fine for days/weeks then all of a sudden I'll have a day where I'm going out of my mind and wondering what he's up to on his phone, etc. I've checked his phone a few times (he says I can look at it whenever I want to) and never found anything but I know that means nothing. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen, for him to have lied or done something even worse to hurt me, AGAIN, and if/when it does I will blame myself for being such a mug for staying with him in the first place. My friends all hate him as they have seen what he's done, I'm like a shell of my old self and lost all my confidence.
I've read threads on here about how people can get past trust being broke and they manage to rebuild it but I never realised how hard it was. I just don't think I can do it. I said I'd never forgive myself if I didn't try, my kids will be heartbroken and in all honesty so will I because I love him. But I can't get rid of that nagging thought that I deserve better than to have to spend the rest of my life worrying about if he's going to do something like that again. I hate checking his phone, I've never been that kind of person, up until this past year I had never felt the need to check his phone.
I'm just so scared. I've literally never been single in my whole adult life. I used to read about people's awful experiences of online dating and I was one of those annoying smug married people that thought "Thank god I'll never have to do that". I didn't expect to have to start again as a single mum in my 30s. In all honesty I can't see anyone being interested anyway, I've got 2 kids and after the past year I'm a total anxious fuck up. I know I'm overthinking it and I'm thinking waaaaay too far ahead (if we do split then I would not be interested in dating anyone else for a LONG time) but I'm scared I would never trust anyone ever again. I think I spend too much time on MN because my view of men is that they're all lying bastards (sorry, I know that's a horrible thing to say but it's just how I feel at the moment). Not to mention dealing with house stuff, money etc on my own. Dealing with the kids on my own all the time. Sitting alone every night with no one to talk to. I know it sounds pathetic but I'm terrified. I think maybe this is what's holding me back. It's so sad because apart from what's happened recently, we get on so well, we always have a laugh in each other's company and there's lots of affection. And despite what he's done, I know he loves me and would be gutted about us splitting, as will I. I'm so angry with him for fucking it all up, it's such a bloody waste. I'm just so sad.
Sorry it's long. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I just need someone to tell me that even with all the above fears, it can be OK. Anyone who has felt like me but gone ahead with separation anyway? I'd love to hear your experiences. Please be kind, don't be harsh. I know I've already put up with way more than I should have. Thanks for reading.