Concerned for widower in new relationship

[Jinnybegood]

I work for a lovely guy who was widowed two and a half years ago. I first started working for his wife who became a good friend but I didn’t get to know him until she passed. They have three adult children in their 20s who live and work away from home but come back fairly regularly. Last summer a girlfriend appeared on the scene and I am worried. Everyone was very surprised as he was still struggling with his wife’s death and having counselling. Now it appears the counsellor told him to go online and start dating. So he goes from deep grief to full-on relationship in a matter of weeks. Every weekend from the word go, she stays at his house or he is with her. But the biggest issue is that she is a dead ringer for his late wife. Even the eldest remarked “she looks just like Mum!” The children are just expected to tolerate this and being polite and well-mannered they are but I (and others) have noticed just how this is impacting on them. It is starting to create a family rift and it really saddens me. The girlfriend seems to be immune to any reaction and even goes so far to drape herself over widower and full on snog him in front of them. She does zero to help around the house and he rushes around her like a lovesick puppy taking her off for expensive weekends and they are shortly off on an exotic holiday (paid for by him). Recently he has also been made redundant and she has taken control of his working life now too.
Am I right to feel concerned?

Yes and no.

Those poor children. Regardless of their age or if they do or don't live at home, watching their dad move on is a hard thing to do, especially if the woman looks just like their mum. My dad went on a date 3 months after my mum died and it was awful to watch, but it made him happy. I live with my dad and refused to let her in my "mum's" house for a year and they consequently split up but are now back together. But the thought of her touching my mum's things, sleeping in her bed - it repulsed me.

On the flip side, it's been over 2 years, it is time for him to at least try and move on. Is he happy? That's the main thing.

And in regards to her taking control, that will be down to his children to discuss with him, although he may not listen.

He looks happy enough but I am dubious as to the intentions of the gIrlfriend. He is very wealthy and I can see the kerching look in her eyes! Add in that he was in a very dark place before she appeared and he has been dragged out of that. That is a plus in that sense but I am not sure the GF is necessarily a decent person. What woman in their fifties snogs a man in front of his (bereaved) children? And she seems to ignore the fact that there are photos all over the house of his late wife, hair in her hairbrush, her clothes still in the closet, perfume on the dresser....I’d be running a mile! I just question her intentions. Surely you would be cautious as to whether he was ready and you would certainly tread carefully with the children? They are even sleeping together in the bed where she died. I know the children are finding it extremely difficult to accept but have no choice. He won’t talk to them about it and it’s like he has blotted out the whole last two and a half years.

OP, you seem to know a lot of very personal information about this man. How do you know what is hanging in his closet and where his late wife’s hairbrush is?

Do you have feelings for him yourself?

Oh goodness no! I work in the office which is part of the estate. I suppose I see much of what’s been going on - bits of info come from the children when I see them and some from his former mother in law. She is very fond of him but doesn’t feel like she should interfere. We have talked it over but she’s quite old fashioned and not sure what to do. I suppose that’s why I came on here. To see if anyone had any advice or experience.

Are you one of his children op?

I think losing a partner is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. Losing a parent is nearly as hard. Just after it happens the children rally round and look after their widowed parent but this tails off after a while as life goes on but the children resent their parent moving on an meeting someone else.

More than likely he was the one who got obsessed with her and pushed for it to be more serious, if she's a dead ringer for his wife then he could have been massively drawn to her for that reason, if she had dodgy intentions from the get go then how much of a coincidence would it be for her to happen to set her eyes on a widower where she had such a strong resemblance to his ex wife.

If she's kissing him in front of the children then presumably he's kissing her back in front of his children. Why is that her fault? You said "what kind of woman snogs a man in front of his bereaved children? but don't say anything about him doing it?

You say she seems to ignore the fact that there are photos all over the house of his late wife and her belongings are everywhere. I bet you would also have an issue if she had demanded that all that stuff was thrown out or removed from the house?

You say they're even sleeping in the same bed where the wife died? I don't know what the norm is there, but do people generally buy new furniture etc. when partners die?

He pays for everything but sometimes that happens in relationships if one person has more money, it doesn't mean that they're being taken advantage of, maybe they really want to do it, maybe your friend wishes he had spent more money on his wife when she was alive, bringing her away for weekends or exotic holidays and now tries to enjoy his life and partner more?

When you say she has taken control of his working life what is she doing? Could she just be supporting and encouraging him?

Her friends might be equally as worried about her, it sounds like an intense relationship, they might worry that she's with a new guy who got serious about her very fast, appeared to pick her because she looks like his late wife, spoils her with trips away to keep her sucked in, doesn't have much regard for his kids feelings as he snogs her in front of them, has his late wifes possessions everywhere, even the same bed....and yet his new girlfriend doesn't listen to the warnings!

Also people often have a tendency to look at male widows in particular as being helpless and vulnerable. You said he was still struggling with his wifes death and having counselling. It's normal to still struggle after a couple of years. It doesn't mean that he's incapable of making his own decisions etc.

Children often don't like their widowed parent moving on in the early years.

and if someone is worried about someone or don't want someone to move on then there is a tendency to demonise the new partner, criticise and dissect every single thing they do, confirmation bias will 'prove' your theories to you especially if others around you are also suspicious.

It's like when people fall out with someone they previously liked, most things they do will annoy them, if they tell a joke that a person would have found funny before then you don't find it one bit funny, they appear rude and like shitty people.
Then if the relationship heals suddenly they're not as annoying and they're back to being funny, that person hasn't changed their personality, it's just now you see them in a different way!

As long as they're happy what's the problem?? It has been long enough since she died. I know a man in his 70s who lost his first wife to cancer and met someone else quite quickly and they've been together for 40 years and have a few kids together.

A similar situation happend to my brothers father in law, who had two young children & two older girls, after his wife died, of a long illness with Cancer, within months he had found a woman with two children of her own, & she moved in with him, the elder girls were very unhappy with him, & moved out. When the two younger children reached their early teens, the father died suddenly, & the girlfriend could not get his kids out quick enough, unfortunately he had made a will, leaving every thing , including the house to her. It led to two of the girls emigrating to Australia , & the boy had to find lodgings.

You said you work for his estate? So I’m assuming that he is rather wealthy and that’s what people are worried about? That she’s going to take his money?