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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it too soon and will I get hurt?

16 replies

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:11

Had a third date last night that went really well. The first two were great and it’s obvious we click. I’m so picky and rarely take an interest in people I meet online, so all was good!

Until...we talked about the exes. My relationship ended in August and by October I was pretty much ok and over it. His 1 year relationship ended in November and he told me he was pretty cut up about it but recognised it was right to end and that they had different values. She apparently told him she was sad to end it but she felt there was something missing for her and that he would no doubt make someone else very happy. He still has her on social media and when he was on Facebook last night showing me a photo of a holiday we were talking about, I saw that she was in his recent searches.

November seems very close to the break up. I don’t want to be compared to someone and I don’t want to be second best. I asked him if he wants to slow things down or pick up in a few weeks when he’s cleared his head more. He said there was no need, he didn’t know what that would achieve and although he didn’t expect to meet someone so soon, he was happy to have met me. He said he thought stopping seeing each other now would be artificial and a shame. He offered meeting on a platonic basis for a while if that made me feel more comfortable but said that was definitely not his preference.

Would you hold the horses on this one and keep a gap before the next date or just roll with it? Maybe my own insecurity rather than a real issue but I want to do the best thing here and I don’t know what that is.

OP posts:
cybergran · 21/01/2020 14:19

you've had 3 dates... what is there to slow down?

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:20

I meant more should I leave this one given it’s so close to the last relationship ending. If he’s still wanting to meet in a few weeks or months and I’m free as well then we could pick up then?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/01/2020 14:30

I think it is too soon, yes. And I wouldn't take his word for it ... especially if he's missing her, because he will want someone to take her place, even if he's not altogether aware that that is his motive.

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:34

That’s what I’m wondering. It’s a he’s decision as I like him and there’s definitely chemistry.

OP posts:
AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:34

Hard decision that should say

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/01/2020 14:43

The thing is, though, can you know that his attraction to you is for you, or to fill the space his ex left? I know it's a horrible question to contemplate, but grief can be highly charged too.

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:47

I’m not sure. That’s the whole problem really.

Partly I don’t want to stop seeing him as it feels different with him. But I’m also cautious.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 21/01/2020 14:52

It all seems a bit intense after three dates.

AnuvvaMuvva · 21/01/2020 14:52

Haven't you already posted about this man? Same question?

I feel you're hoping for someone else to tell you to do what you want to do - slow down/pause this relationship. But nobody does so you keep posting

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 14:53

Maybe I’m being over the top and most people wouldn’t even think about it!

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/01/2020 15:02

I would be thinking about it - but maybe I'm in the minority. When I was doing internet dating, I would not see anyone who was separated less than a year.

AwayFairies · 21/01/2020 15:04

Wow that does seem quite a while! I know what you mean though, I don’t want to be messed about. He’s said I’m in no way a replacement and that he wants to see where we go. I guess I take his word for it or I don’t. I’m rubbish at making good decisions on these things.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 21/01/2020 15:28

Beware of the man (or woman) who moves on too soon. He's probably going on dates to help him move on and to keep him distracted.

I'm not saying to write him off completely, but I'd definitely give him a lot more time. There's nothing worse than knowing you're someone's stepping stone.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/01/2020 15:28

Trust your gut, @AwayFairies. (Don't live up to your username!) It's really the only thing we have, and we tend to treat it pretty poorly - particularly in relationships.

The problem with taking your partner's word for it is, if he's not thinking/feeling straight, his answers are always going to be informed by his grief. I don't trust what a person says about their motives any more. I trust what they do. That is far more reliable than anything that comes out of their mouths, well-intentioned or not.

(Btw, If a person can't live alone for a year, then they are invariably looking for someone to fill a void in some way. This doesn't guarantee someone who doesn't have problems. We all have problems. But they will probably not need me to be their emotional load-bearer.)

Needtogetbackinthesack · 22/01/2020 20:53

I agree that November does seem rather soon but it's more the fact he was searching for her on fb that would raise alarm bells for me.

Out of interest, how long does everyone feel is a 'more acceptable' timeframe? I left my husband 6 months ago and I feel like I'm ready to get back out there, not for a new long term relationship but maybe something a bit more than casual dating. But me and the ex slept in separate rooms for 3.5 years and barely spoke so to me it feels like I've been single for literally years. I'm happy enough being single and certainly don't have any plans to move jn with anyone for a LONG time but it would be nice to meet some new people.

ErinLee93 · 22/01/2020 21:39

Just take things slowly and have fun. We’re all guilty of dating too soon to get over painful breakups and are all guilty of searching for our exes. Strange he would show you a picture though.
Just take it slowly and see where it goes, no harm having fun just be aware that he’s clearly still missing his ex... it could possibly develop into more if you just relax a bit and let things progress naturally. No need to be having heavy discussions about expectations after a few dates, just enjoy yourselves!

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