Don't know how to feel

[somethingdidntgotoplan]

This is a bit complicated, but probably really petty to some people.

Let me start with that I am currently 25 weeks pregnant and a recovering anorexic - I have been discharged approximately 2 years.

At the weekend, i tried to initiate sex with my partner - who told me, that he can't do it because the baby being there is putting him off. Now I'm sure any normal woman would just accept that, but for me, it's turned my mind into overdrive and I can't get passed the fact that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and it must be because I'm getting bigger - which is something I am struggling with as it is.

Then this morning, he woke up and wanted some action, started on me but then very unceremoniously rolled me over into doggy position - which has now made me feel a 100x worse

Before pregnancy I'd be up for any position, but now it just feels like he can't bear to look at me/my body

Not helped by the fact that I want him more now than I have ever done before.

Just needed to let it out really as I don't want to upset him by telling him it's making me down

Hey listen.....you've been triggered but it's not necessarily true. You ever heard of men who feel the proximity of a babys face means it would be almost wrong to have sex? That's what I think may be going on. Not that he doesn't find your body attractive xxx

I don't want to read and run but not sure I have any sound advice. I don't think this is petty and you need to nip it in the bud for your own peace of mind. Can you talk to your OH about how you feel -I assume he knows about your history? Also talk to your GP/midwife. Good Luck

I definitely do feel triggered, you're right.

I just feel like this is going to be a downward spiral, I've got at least 15 weeks where I'm going to get continuously bigger - and I am well aware that I am not going to look like 'me' afterwards for a while.

I'm already under the watch of the perinatal mental health team as I know that I am going to struggle massively with my eating after giving birth.

He knows everything and is very supportive, tells me I'm beautiful, that I'm not fat I'm pregnant but this has just compounded everything and now I know that's how I make him feel, I feel like I'm repulsive and he's not going to want me after either, because then the "your pregnant not fat" won't apply anymore

I would put money on the fact it is NOTHING to do with your size - I think it is because of the proximity of the baby it might feels weird to him.

You have support available to you through this - if you are struggling then do take it.

In his shoes banging your penis against a baby can't be a passionate thought can it?...
Likely every single man and every single woman have some sort of query about sex during pregnancy....
Regardless of any other factor than that there is a baby in between you!

Aww I'm sorry you have ended up feeling this way but I'm pretty sure it's not that your getting bigger it's that he feels freaked out about having sex while your pregnant, my husband was just the same he could only have sex with me if we did it doggy because he didn't want to see my belly with baby in, it put him off. As soon as baby was born he was back to his normal ways! Good luck, try and enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible and do other things to make you feel close, I loved a good spoon with my husband wrapping his arms around my belly.

My ex was a porn addict, so once I didn't fit the bill physically, he refused to have sex with me. It sucked. But I've heard this is normal, so I'd try not to worry. Is he a big lad himself?

@RLEOM I don't think your experience is particularly helpful here.

@somethingdidntgotoplan it's not about you, Sweety. It's him not being able to get over the fact you're carrying a baby very close to the place he will be thrusting into.

It's easier to get over the thought when you can't see the belly, and to disassociate.

You should talk to him about how he's dealing with this. The unceremoniously flipping you over and expressing that he couldn't do it in the way he did are quite careless and he just needs a nudge in the right direction.

Your recovery is a beautiful thing and so is your pregnancy. Remember this isn't about you. It's about him.

Communication is key always.

@RLEOM - While not minimising your experience, it is totally different to the OP's, and not helpful here, imo.

Thank you for all your kind words, I just feel shit that it's making me feel shit, when both myself and him have worked hard to get my confidence and mental health back on track - he'd be devastated if he knew how much I was hurting

He doesn't have a porn addiction - that's not an issue or ever been in question, everything was okay until my belly started growing and kicking

my husband was the same during my pregnancies, i'm slim and gained 'normal' amount of baby weight, never looked anything other than a slim girl with a baby bump IYSWIM. he told me often how beautiful he thought my growing body was, that he loved that he could see the life growing in there. but he just didn't want sex.

it wasn't about weight or my changing shape. it was the simple fact that he knew his baby was inside me. it's weird for many men I think, especially with a first pregnancy.

I've heard of several friends' partners who genuinely were worried about somehow 'hurting' the baby by having sex. you've taken doggy style to mean not wanting to see you, but maybe it's about not wanting to 'squash' the bump. please try not to take it as a reflection on you and your body.

your issue didn't sound petty at all though. it's tough feeling physically rejected, whatever the reasons, and even without a prior history of ED. and unfortunately male anxieties about sex during pregnancy are SO incompatible with the raging female hormones that make you want it all the time!

I think you do need to talk to him. I understand why you may think it's because of your size because you've had an eating disorder but I think it's just him. And you absolutely don't want to trigger a relapse I'm sure.

You would have liked to have sex at the weekend but he was quite clear that it was not happening because he was uncomfortable about the baby. Now, when he wants sex he forgets the previous and rolls you over and gets on with it.

It's treating you like a piece of meat and something for his own pleasure and completely disregarding your feelings.

You're only going to get bigger and the baby more obvious as the pregnancy continues, so is sex always going to be this way until birth?

I think I may have had a very frank discussion with my partner if he'd tried to do that with me. I would have felt that I was being used to relieve him and getting nothing out of it for me. I wouldn't have been happy with only having sex in that position every time until birth. What's he going to be like when you've given birth and aren't wanting to have sex for a while?