Hi all - today, I am ten years free of my abusive marriage, and was wondering if any other survivors would be interested in a thread to help us heal, reflect, share experience, vent and perhaps provide hope to those who haven’t yet managed to escape?
On reflection, the last 10’years have been an absolute roller coaster of PTSD, struggle, highs and lows.
It took so many years to find myself again, and when I did I found I was not the same person I was before the abuse. However, I no longer mourn that as in many ways I am a much better person. It’s damaged me in some ways, but also benefitted me in others. I have gone from being a shell of a person to one who has now has confidence, ambition and a stable, fulfilling life. There are still dark days and regrets even now, but the good far outweigh the bad, and I now finally have back the most valuable thing you can possess - peace of mind.
In hindsight, I wrongly believed that it would all be uphill after I finally found the strength to get and stay away, but it’s not like that. In reality, I have been through some of my darkest moments since I left. Sadly, you don’t see level of damage it has done or begin to heal until the mist clears and that takes quite some time.
Would I have actually left had I known how hard these last ten years would be? Probably not. BUT ... not once have I ever regretted leaving, quite the opposite. On reflection I know that if I hadn’t,I would no longer still be here. He may not have physically killed me but psychologically I was almost dead. My DC’s I think would have been damaged beyond repair. It has changed and scarred them too, it ALWAYS does, even if you are convinced that you are protecting them from it (as I was back then). I have to watch them go through pain and struggles I doubt they would have had they not been exposed to that abuse and toxic environment. That bit is tough, and the guilt not easy to reconcile. Even though I realise that he is the one who should bear most of that guilt, not me, I know I played my part too, and I failed to protect them. I was complicit, to an extent.’
It took me years and years to get and finally stay away for good. I had left and gone back so many times, I had almost given up and accepted it as my lot. Almost. I used to look at threads of those who had escaped and wondered how they did it, how they could be so strong and me so weak, which just compounded my self loathing and trapped me even further. If anyone is reading this and feeling the same, I jus want you to know that 15 years ago, I was you.. I was as despairing as you may be of ever being free, but there IS still hope even though it may not feel that way.
Of course, this has been just my own unique journey of recovery, everyone’s will be different and I don’t claim to speak for all survivors. But if any others who have been through similar would like to add their musings or ask for support, it’d be great to hear from you.