How to get over the trauma

[Grumblina]

I’ve posted about my ex before regarding his abusive behaviour. Throughout our three year relationship he has ran up massive debt on credit cards in my name, threatened to kill himself if I asked him to leave, went on drunken benders where I wouldn’t even know where he was, repeatedly left jobs or didn’t bother going to work, made no effort with my 13 year old ds, told me I was a fat cunt and said he would shag me more if I lost weight, was constantly on social media, kicked and hit things in my house, made me drive him places while he drank cans in the passenger seat. He also twisted things that he said and tried to make me feel like I was losing my mind. Just before Xmas he cheated on me with a much older woman before going on another bender then begging to come home. I stupidly allowed him to and even found myself apologising for being anxious and pushing him away. I finally got him out of my house 2 weeks ago and blocked him on everything but he kept emailing saying he was only staying away for a couple weeks for space.

The woman he cheated on me with plastered stuff all over Facebook yesterday about them being out on a date together and it got back to me. I felt upset all over again. She has also been trying to find out stuff about me which I feel so uncomfortable about.

My gp has signed me off work because I’m an absolute wreck and very stressed and anxious. I just don’t know where to go from here or how long I’m going to feel like he’s ruined my life. Gp mentioned freedom programme but am I being a hypochondriac?

Amputate him from your life.

It's tough but sounds to me like he simply doesn't care about you.

I’ve already done that. It’s how to get over the trauma of the whole relationship

Sorry I don’t think I made that clear in my first post. He’s gone I’ve dumped the rest of his stuff at his mothers and I’m never having him back

No, you're not being a 'hypochondriac' at all. I'm so sorry this happened to you. The Freedom Programme is definitely a good idea but I'm wondering what support you've had so far as this isn't over.

Either contact the National DV Helpline or your local DV organisation for help and support. There may be support groups or one to one counselling available in your area specifically for survivors of abuse.

You need advice on your ex as it seems as though he hasn't accepted that the relationship is over. You do have legal options which your DV organisation should be able to advise you on such as a non molestation order to keep him away from you. If you are eligible, the NCDV can provide one for free.

It's also an idea to contact the police and make them aware of the situation should he refuse to keep away. Dial 101 for advice.

I also suggest that you go to your local GUM or back to your GP and get an STD test as you don't know if he was using protection while was with you, nor how many people he may have slept with. Untreated STDs can cause lots of complications like infertility and cervical cancer so please do that as soon as you can.

Change your Social Media profiles to 'private' and limit who can see your media and who can contact you. Block this woman on all forms of social media.

Keep those emails from your ex as they will be good evidence should you need them and start a log of his behaviour in order to build evidence.You can find your local DV organisation here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Your doctor is right that you should do the Freedom Programme - you've been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. Go to a group for the course rather than online. Also speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services for a support

I hope he no longer has a key to your place? If he does, or may have made a copy, get the locks changed - it's fairly straightforward to do yourself if you're a bit handy or have a friend or family member who is. If he does attempt to return, be prepared to call the police.

Look into some support for your teenager who has been witness to all this.

Your GP signed you off work and suggested the Freedom Programme.
So do it. It will probably help you a lot.

Just to be clear my ds has not seen any of this @FFSFFSFFS I don’t appreciate you implying I don’t care about him. That is not fair at all. He was very plausible and was always the perfect partner in front of ds

OP, I'm sure you've done your best to hide what's been going on, but there's no way your dc isn't aware of there being something very wrong if this man has been hitting and kicking things in your house, putting you through the mill emotionally and causing all this upset, while living in the same house and not making an effort with him.

Threatened to kill himself if I asked him to leave, went on drunken benders where I wouldn’t even know where he was, repeatedly left jobs or didn’t bother going to work, made no effort with my 13 year old daughter

You're telling us your 13 year old has noticed none of this?

I understand it's been emotional but you need to get a grip. You had a choice to stay despite posting about this guy before and these is the consequences.

Please think about your son and try and focus on putting him first.

With respect, you've only asked him to leave now because he shagged an older woman and your ego is bruised.

It was always when he was away at his dads or football etc

Please seek help.

Maybe try the Freedom Programme. I also found Lisa Romano and Richard Grannon on you tube useful.

I also found a local support group charity for women who had experienced dv/abuse by searching on tinternet and they have been great in providing rl support.

Regarding the debt, contact the National Debtline who can give you free advice on what to do about that and what your options are: www.nationaldebtline.org/

To the posters implying that I have somehow put my son in danger you have absolutely no idea of the horrible situation I’ve been in

you asked how to get over the trauma, your GP and at least two PP have told you to do the freedom program

do the freedom program and don't look back

Right. Well done.
He's gone.

Now you look after yourself. Don't say things like 'stupidly' - you're a survivor and that is brave and strong.

Do the freedom program. If you can afford it, get a counsellor. If you can't affors it you may be able to access some counselling from a local DV charity. I did and it was brilliant.

Your DS will very likely have noticed, if not directly, from your own state of mind at times. Talk to him don't try and sweep it under the carpet.

Think about your own past and upbringing - possibly there is history there that has made you feel you are not worth being treated well. Face that and do something every day that is especially for you - even if it's just buying a bunch of daffs or having a bath with a candle. Plan a holiday for the summer. Make a list of things you couldn't do with him around and work your way through them. Enjoy being at home without having to do things for him or tiptoe round his moods.

Make it very clear to your friends and family that you are not interested in hearing about anything he is doing and that it causes you distress to be told things people see on social media.

Again.
Well done

I'm not suggesting you put your son in danger, I'm suggesting that he may have been affected by what's been going on in his home. Unless you're a world class actress, the pain and emotional rollercoaster you've been through will have been felt by your son, even if he didn't know exactly why or what was happening. This is not your fault, but you need to make sure he gets support if he needs it, just as you need to get support.

Not implying that he's been in danger.
Strongly suggesting that he may have noticed the environment was conflicted, more than you realise.
I bring this up so you can consider how you can help him get over it too.
(Tries not to point out OP went straight back to talking about what's she's been through )

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP.

To the PP's making negative comments - how is it helpful to attack someone getting out of an abusive relationship on the basis that she mentions that she has a son?

OP - as others have said, do the freedom program, be gentle with yourself and take some time to work out why your boundaries aren't very strong in relationships and how you can improve your self-esteem to strengthen them. You've made a huge step forward but this is a tough period of readjustment and reflection.

After I left a very 'normal' but crappy relationship I spent quite alot of time berating myself for staying for too long, putting up with with a rubbish partner who wasn't very nice - it took me a while to realise that he was just as much to blame and to make peace with my previous decisions.

You can and will move forward- you are stronger than you feel. Good luck!