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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this rape/ assault? Trigger warning please

13 replies

Clairey84 · 20/01/2020 16:40

I am so sorry if anyone finds this offensive. Also I am sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place.

I am very confused on what to do about it or if I should do anything at all? It has been going through my head for the past few week.

My DP and I have been going through a rough patch over the past year, we have sorted things out. We have been together 6 years no DC.

We were having sex Tuesday evening... I admit I haven’t felt in the mood so much at the moment. I am on anti depressants which hasn’t made me feel too much like I fancied sex. It was standard him on top, me underneath. He had a bit to drink... not making excuses. I had also had a few glasses but that’s it.

We have been going through a few issues at the moment but I thought they were all sorted.

I felt myself getting dryer than usual. And it was starting to hurt me, usually with this type of thing I get cystitis (struggle with that a lot). I said ‘it’s hurting me now can you get off me’ and he didn’t exactly hold me down. He just got heavier on top of me and sort of did hold my arms... I can’t remember 

I couldn’t move put it that way. I also remember him saying something along the lines of... ‘take it’ as he kept going. It lasted about a minute or so after...

It’s still not massively clear in my head. We are just carrying on as normal, like nothing happened....

It did result in me getting cystitis and I had to get a round of antibiotics to clear it.

Would this be rape/ assault? I’m not really not sure as this has never happened to me before. Just because I am not massively upset by this.. does that mean it's nothing serious? I certainly didn't enjoy or appreciate him not getting off me but I didn't fight him off.

Thank you to everyone who had read this x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2020 16:52

You told him to stop because he was hurting you and he didn’t. He held you down and carried on because he didn’t care that you were in pain. That’s rape and it’s unforgivable.

Have neither of you mentioned it since?

latheritup · 20/01/2020 16:52

If you asked him to stop and he didn't, then yes that's rape. I'm terribly sorry he didn't respect you and listen to you Thanks

Clairey84 · 20/01/2020 17:10

@AnneLovesGilbert I did mention it briefly to him and he has said he is sorry and won't do it again, said he'd had a bit to drink. He mentioned he's clearly a larger man than I am so clearly I was struggling to get him off. I am so confused Sad

OP posts:
12345kbm · 20/01/2020 17:15

Sexual consent can be withdrawn at any time by either party. You clearly told him to stop and he held you so you couldn't move and carried on. That means you were no longer consenting to sex and that is rape. Non consensual sex is rape.

I suggest you contact Rape Crisis in order to discuss what happened, gain clarity and seek advice on how to move forward.

Clairey84 · 20/01/2020 17:33

@12345kbm thank you for your response

OP posts:
BallacheForLife · 20/01/2020 17:40

You said you wanted him off you. He ignored you. He raped you. Just because you don't feel upset doesn't mean it's not rape, it means you were raped and you're confused and not sure how to process it.
Do you still want to be with him, a man who will happily rape you and say 'take it'? It shows he actually has no respect for you and you were nothing but a vessel for him. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

bluebella4 · 20/01/2020 19:21

You told him to stop! He did not listened and then continued to force himself on you.

I'm so sorry! Horrible man he is! Regardless of your situation, once you say stop, that's it.... Over... he didn't listen! It may not have started out as rape but it sure as hell finished with rape!
I'm so so sorry!

3rdchristmaslucky · 20/01/2020 19:28

It falls under the classification of rape. Consent was withdrawn but his penis was not.

Now it's up to you whether you hash it out with your partner about the meaning of consent and explain to him in no uncertain terms what he has done or you move forward without him.

What I will say is if you talk it through, it doesn't make the act go away and bad feelings can resurface.

I was raped by a boyfriend, while unconscious. He told me the next morning, when I noted that I was sore, what he had done. He genuinely didn't see it as rape. I gave him hell about consent and told him he had raped me. He apologized and we stayed together. But the feeling of betrayal never left.

Clairey84 · 20/01/2020 23:03

Thank you everyone Thanks

OP posts:
DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 20/01/2020 23:19

Yes it is rape I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself, there are organisations out there that can help you to think about what your next steps might be. X

Bluewater1 · 20/01/2020 23:23

I'm so sorry but yes, the moment you withdrew consent but he carried on, it became rape.
That he then said take it has made my blood run cold....
I'm so sorry OP. What he did is wrong. Rape crisis can help Flowers

Idontkowmyname · 21/01/2020 02:56

@Clairey84 so sorry that happened to you. There’s a video which you might like to watch if and when you feel able regarding consent
m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

For those who don’t like links google consent and tea and use the Thames valley police clip.

Clairey84 · 21/01/2020 08:51

I am not actually UK based so the actions I can take are slightly different but I will look into what I can do. I just wanted opinion and it seems that is what i have got thank you all.

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