Ex has stepped it up a level

[madamandthemartyr]

I've posted a few times recently.

Ex and I are waiting to go for mediation. (I have already had a MIAM but he chose a different agency and I am waiting for them to contact me once he has had his initial appointment)

I am getting emails from his new partner with wild accusations in, everything from I'm a drug addict and generally unfit, to the latest; that I have been letting a strange man share DDs bed every night (!) this is obviously a serious allegation, but the email said "this is not to happen again" - which seems a bizarrely relaxed attitude towards implied child abuse!

So anyway, DD has her hair trimmed by her aunt (on my side) aunt has always done the hair cut/trims and there has been no problem with this until now. I have received two emails over the weekend telling me to rectify the awful job done on DDs hair (I think it looks fine, and told them this)

So we visited DDs aunt today, who pointed out that DDs hair has been cut shorter (badly) since she cut it last week....she showed me a photo taken after she had trimmed the hair and then pointed out that it is at least 2/3" shorter and raggedy. This just seems like such ridiculous behaviour, they are out to spite me rather than putting DD first.

I've obviously been keeping a record of all this, but I'm really hoping that mediator/court can see through this behaviour.

Call 101 or call into a police station.
You need to get this all on record.
It's harassment and bullying.
Take all your records and evidence and get it all logged.
You should not be made to do mediation with an abuser.
Please speak to your mediator and tell them exactly what is going on.
But report this and do it fast!

I wasn't sure that the police would be interested, but yes it is definitely bullying and intimidation so I will go tomorrow . Thank you

I think you report online to the police. I know you can where I am (Manchester) so am assuming it's the same across the country. You can also add attachments, so you could screenshot the emails and give them all the info in one go.

Would it be better to speak to someone in person? Rather than reporting online and missing things?

How old is DD, have you asked her who cut her hair?

Report online so you can attach photos and emails. They will call up if they need more information and if you are needed to go in for a statement. I made the mistake of going in to report and they had no way to get a copy of the recording of exh assaulting me that was on my phone. If I had started online it would have been easier.

DD is 3, I asked her and she looked at me blankly- I'm wondering if it's been done while she was asleep...

@madamandthemartyr oh bless her, that's awful. But sadly I don't know what you can realistically do, they're horrible people.

I don't think you can get police involved for a hair cut.

Regarding the emails, sent a response asking her to not contact you again, if she continues you can use it as proof.

Ignore anything from your Ex as he is likely smearing you and I imagine his new partner is foolish enough to believe it.

I would speak to mediator and discuss behaviour, they may suggest shuttle mediation. Is mediation for child or finances?

It's child related only, no finances.

We have been separated over a year and I raised some issues just before Xmas (mainly that DD did not have a bedroom at her fathers due to new partner and child moving in, and that her hair was not being brushed) and it has escalated to Ex wanting 90% care due to my addictions/strange men/unfitness etc etc. None of these (imaginary) things were ever brought up before I dared mention I wasn't totally happy with his behaviour, and new partner seems to have taken it as her personal crusade.

I was told to direct all contact via her email address, so I worry that Ex isn't actually the author of half of these messages...

It's just so frustrating that these are blatant lies- some of them laughable, some dangerous- but the entire picture is that I a 'bad mother'

For example- "DD acts out 'coronation street' scenes, and they must stress that she is not to watch unsuitable tv shows"

(When Ex and I were together I watched coronation St. but now DD and I don't even have a TV....)

Christ they're awful @madamandthemartyr you must document EVERYTHING. I'm sorry that they're such fucking cunts to you! Sorry but they are.

It may be worth getting some advice from other organizations on this. Gingerbread is for single parents and Women's Aid is worth browsing.

However, what they are doing is deliberate and designed to stress you out. Getting a behaviour log on the record now will help you when it goes to court (sadly, that is likely). I would also hazard that money is at the bottom of it: if ex gets 50/50 he wriggles out of maintenance.

Thanks spongejack-
I'm also a bit worried that somehow they will make the mediator decide it's not appropriate, and then we will have to go to court.
It all seems so unnecessary, and they are enjoying hassling me so much that they are NOT putting DD or her wishes first.

Thanks ABC, and I think you are right about the money element of it.
My feeling is they want to stress and intimidate me so much that I 'back down' and then they can 'graciously' offer 50/50 care.

And for what it's worth I would block his new partner, it's nothing to do with her!

OP, I've been down this road in spades and indeed ended up spending 5 hours in cell due to false accusations made by ex-h and OW. PLEASE if you do nothing else report this to the police. It is harassment and indeed may fall under the newly tightened coercive control laws. I think you'd be better off in court for children's issues as this will mean involvement with Cafcass. This behaviour is not OK and I really implore you to keep tight records, do NOT respond to any correspondence/emails/texts. I am sorry you're going through this

OP, can I also say that this sort of behaviour massively backfired on my ex-h. He now has very very limited court ordered contact with no holidays or overnights. They know abuse when they see it.

Good luck with the police. I agree with reprting online - it's quick, easy, you can amend that you type and check everything, plus attach pics. A police officer will ring you back if there's anything they need to clarify.

What the hell would make a woman believe her new boyfriend and act like this to another woman she has never met??? What a stone bitch. May her turkey rot.

Ask the police's advice, but I'd block your ex's new partner. I'd also ask ex to contact you only to discuss childcare.

I also think that if you do end up in mediation (which I do not think is appropropriate at all under these circumstances), you must be very vocal about the harrassment and accusations. I hope the girlfriend realises that she is not party to that process.

@madamandthemartyr I think that @TheFormidableMrsC is giving very sound advice! I'm glad you managed to get the right result @TheFormidableMrsC.

She is not the father of your child so you go through him. It's nothing to do with her. She sounds controlling.

Also agree with getting police involved.

She sounds controlling She is jealous and insecure and like my ex-h's girlfriend, tries to control everything. They are not married, she will not be party to the process or part of it in any way. Her behaviour may impact on him in ways he might not be able to imagine now. OW in my case wanted to be named as 3rd co-parent so that she had control over me and my ex-h and our parenting. That was laughed out of court. He is now "not allowed" to co-parent with me. It's hell. His entire supporting statement was about her and not about our son. Women like that are ridiculous. Don't give her the oxygen she clearly craves.

@Spongejack Thank you love!

Had a call from his mediator today, we will be having shuttle mediation- started shaking with anxiety during the call, even though it's probably the best way, I'm now worried he has made me out to be a monster (necessitating the shuttle med) and the mediator will be biased.

Silver lining is no partners allowed to be involved.