Do we seriously seriously like each other?

[usurpia]

Hi! I (female) am in a very weird position with a guy and don't know how to interpret his behavior/decide what to do. Me and K got to know each other seven years ago. We are now in our early thirties. He was smitten with me back then, but I was in a committed relationship. He very sweetly admitted his feelings for me, but I turned him down because I didn't really feel the same for him + I was in a committed long-term relationship (I am since 2006). Since seven years, since we first met, K and I are texting several times a week, I see him about once a month, and whenever we see each other, we have a blast. We have a lot of things in common, talk about everything, even the most intimate details.

As time went by, I started developing feelings for K but suppressed those for the sake of my relationship. Three years ago, I (drunkenly) admitted to him that I sometimes think about being with him, and that I wonder whether we would be right for each other. Great timing because now he was in a relationship as well. He was flabbergasted and told me that since I turned him down, he had though of me as being "out of his league" (he really said that). So I kept on suppressing my feelings. In fact, when I don't see him in a while, my feelings go away, but every time after we meet, they resurface again. We are getting along as well as ever. He is still with the same girl (I am still with the same guy), but he frequently tells me about problems with his girlfriend, that he doubts whether to have kids with her, that things with me would be so much easier (told jokingly), and that he and his gf don't have much of a love life anymore. I also tell him that my relationship isn't that great.

There is tons of chemistry. We get flirty after some beers. But we never go beyond a hug or a peck on the cheek/forehead. He recently told me that his male friends are picking up on whatever is going on between us two, asking him how our recent "date" went. So he is talking about me. My biggest question is if he would want to be with me. It would involve both of us leaving our current partners. What can I do? How does he feel? Am I just a trusted friend to him? Why does he tell me all of that personal stuff? I would be especially interested in the male perspective here because it's hard for me to decipher him.

If you are thinking this way about him then you need to leave your current partner? Don't leave your current partner for another man, leave for yourself. Is there kids involved?

He’s the only one who can answer those questions. In my limited experience men when smitten rarely ever forget it.
If you try having a serious conversation about it and if you feel the same about each other, leave your partners and see what happens.
Having been in the position of your partner (albeit for a brief period) that has destroyed my self-esteem and made my relationship less than it could have been.
Had he left then I’d have been happier now

Neither of us has kids, neither of us are married.

Your not being fair to your partner feeling this way about another person, having intimate conversations with another man knowing how you feel and he has told you previously. You need to leave your partner and give him the chance to be with someone who is not emotionally attaching themselves to another person.

Why not leave your partner first then see how K fees when you’re single.

@whereishappyat I totally agree. I am border lining on something here that may cause harm to two people who do not deserve that. At the same time I fear to quite a committed relationship that I have had for 14 years for something that might be a pipe dream. On the other hand, my partner and I are not really making any progress in terms of kids/marriage/building a house etc. because we are both hesitant to commit 100% I think.

But you wouldn’t her gibbing up on a committed relationship for something that might come to nothing. You’d be giving up on something that you’re partly in. A big part of you is ready for a relationship with someone else.

You’ve been having an emotional affair with this other man for a good while now. Neither of you have been fair to your partners.

If you want the opportunity to date other people, end your current relationship and take your chances.

I would take this man out if the equation. Your feelings for him highlight the inadequacies of your LT relationship. Stop seeing him. Decide what you want from the current partner. Neither of you are free to pursue this.

It sounds like you aren’t really that into either of these guys but are using K as an excuse to maybe get out of the relationship you’re already in? I did this years ago, I was in a relationship but didn’t really love him anymore and had an affair with someone I worked with, I realise now to force me to end the relationship with my then partner. I convinced myself I had feelings for this guy (usually when on nights out with him and drinking etc) but also had reservations about him.
When I met my dh I knew straight away he was the man for me. I didn’t have any doubt about my feelings, and we’ve been together 19 years! I think when you really love someone you know it. The fact you say you don’t think about this guy when you’re not with him shows you’re not that into him, and the fact you’re even entertaining the idea of having an affair with him shows you’re not that into your current partner IMO.

I would not want to be either one of your partners, both of you with one foot out the door.

If your current relationship was right it would have progressed by now.Leave him and stay away from both for a good 3 months (ie no contact- explain to K if needs be) then see how you feel. You may not want either, or taking away obstacles may reveal your full feelings for K. Good luck

@Fanniesyeraunt Thanks a lot for your perspective on this. What you say makes a lot of sense. I guess when you truly love someone the feelings are immediate, and don't fade after not having contact for some weeks. It is indeed true that I got more feelings for K after my current relationship started to feel stale and loveless. I still don't know though if that is because my feelings for my partner are slowly starting to vanish or just because we have been together for so long and things naturally start to become routine. The thrill of seeing someone now and then who is fun and truly intrigued by you sure is a remedy against that. Maybe for K it is exactly the same. Man I have a lot on my mind about this and it feels great to open up to people who know none of these people personally. Thank you. Leaving someone without a safety net after 14 years is a huge deal. Being over 30 and worrying about having kids.

How would you feel if your partner was enjoying ‘the thrill of seeing someone every now and then who is fun and truly intrigued’ by him?

I see where you are coming from but you cannot blame me for seeking happiness and I don't think I need to feel guilty if my current relationship is not meeting my emotional needs. We are all humans here, I am not perfect, my partner is not perfect, K and his girlfriend are not perfect. I am not doing anything with the guy. I am just lacking some sort of gratification in my relationship. Sure it would be more mature to work through it. If we were all perfect human beings.

Leaving someone without a safety net is better than building yourself a fully structured safety net long before you leave them.
My exh did the latter - had an affair for more than a year, but didn't leave me because he wanted t be really sure. Even when I thought he might be having an emotional affair and asked him directly if he wanted out, he wouldn't say yes.
In the end I found out it was much more than an emotional affair, so he got to be with this woman he'd been promising to have children with behind my back. It lasted another three years.

You never have a safety net. Not even if you stayed with your partner.

Your poor partner! Of course you’re at fault. Why stay? Whether you end up with K or not. The relationship clearly isn’t fulfilling or worth it. It’s stagnant. Then once you’ve got your head clear speak to K. If you really think so much of him you owe him a clean start rather than dithering around trying to decide. The odds are if you leave your partner he will leave his.

I see where you are coming from but you cannot blame me for seeking happiness and I don't think I need to feel guilty if my current relationship is not meeting my emotional needs

You are to blame if you do not have the courage and/or decency to walk away from said relationship, before finding that happiness somewhere else.

If your current relationship isn’t meeting your needs you communicate that to your partner and work on it, or you decide to end the relationship. Don’t you care how he would feel if he knew?

The consensus seems to be that I cannot continue like this, and should seriously consider some time for myself at this point. Without seeing either my partner nor K. It seems like an abrupt step and I am not sure whether my partner would understand "taking a break". I definitely want a break rather than a breakup. But thank you all for raising some very valid points that help disentangle my brain.

Usurpia. Don't be cruel. You want a break to ensure your partner is kept waiting in the wings in case you change your mind/ don't find anything better. This is due to fear. You just have to do it and face the consequences.

If your relationship was right, you wouldn't be contemplating any of this.

Let your partner find someone happy to commit to him.

Issues in your main relationship don’t justify your affair.

You seem to want both of them to be guaranteed options to be a long term partner and father of your DC. That’s not realistic.

Basic respect and fidelity is hardly “perfection”.

If your DP knew about your affair, and your uncertainty about a future with him, then he could then make informed decisions about HIS options.