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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unfaithful or Cheating Partner - I need some sanity please!

28 replies

MilaDraycott22 · 20/01/2020 14:14

So recently I have been having a tough time with my partner. We have recently (well about July 2019) 'sorted' things out from a break that we had due to him going off and "needing time to be a lad" - where he went away on a few weekends away with another woman who apparently had a partner and there was nothing to it (Still seems dodgy to me),
he also went away to Palma with an older women who's a bit younger than his mum - I am 24 and he is 26 and his mother friend is around 38-42. There are loads of hushed conversations between his family and close friends about what went on with him and this older woman who is a family friend.

I am trying so hard to not be a "Psycho" about what I do not know the full details of, but when I try and confront him about it, he just avoids it at all costs and has even walked out the house with an excuse that he needed to get milk AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT!
Prior to our break last year, i had found out that there are a ton of messages between him and other girls who were younger and had nothing going for them at all - seeing this had broken confidence and I dont feel filled with his trust as I use to as I just feel mugged off.

The other thing I feel hugely uncomfortable with, is the fact that this older woman who he has "Fumbled" around with during this time on our break is ALWAYS involved with his side of the family.
A few more points without me trying to ramble on are that:

  • She has been around to my house before with a bottle of wine and when she asked my partner if i was in, her reply was "Oh im sorry i hadnt realised that Mila was in" and she scuttled off.
  • He doesnt deny or own up to anything that I confront him with and he cant lie to my face without giving anything away.
  • She Always feels the need to challenge me about my own life and our own daughter and my own partner! Which evidently really winds me up!
  • I cant see anything going for her whatsoever that is making me think its the reason why he is protecting this woman and whatever went off during this time. She has no life ambitions, she has no partners of her own and has been seeing a married man for the past year. She does not cook a thing, and asks my partners parents to plate her up a meal every day... I think that writing this message out is just causing me to be more and more wound up!
  • When I have subtly tried to prize information out of my partner, he just smirks and replies with "Been there done that - Never again" regarding this woman... What the hell does that mean?!

I need to gain some other peoples perspective on this as my head is ALL OVER THE PLACE! I have tried to confront my partner on various occasions and I am clearly getting nowhere..

How would you go about this or what would you say to get the truth out of him without being a Psycho as i cannot be bothered with the arguments and the sickly, stomach wrenching feeling any longer!

Please no unkind words.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/01/2020 14:16

Oh come on, OP, you are being treated like a complete fool here by this man. Dump him for your own sanity, and get an STI while you're at it. I'm sorry to be so blunt but surely when you were typing that out you realised what was going on?

And btw he will NEVER tell you the truth about it, so don't bother asking.

FlaskMaster · 20/01/2020 14:19

This is ridiculous. He's a serial cheat. You're absolutely wasting your time with him. Move on.

JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 14:20

@MilaDraycott22

Why would you let this man use you like this? I would just move on because he is definitely a loser imho

MikeUniformMike · 20/01/2020 14:24

You will suffer nothing but pain with this dickhead man.
Break up with him. It will hurt a lot but it will stop hurting.
Staying with him will just hurt all the time.
Move on, you are only 24. Don't waste the best years of your life with him.

Junie70 · 20/01/2020 14:25

Have you got "DOORMAT" tattooed on your forehead?

Original poster
MilaDraycott22 · 20/01/2020 14:26

I would appreciate some helpful suggestions, apart from "Just leave him" - Yes, I realise but this actually doesn't help

OP posts:
Divebar · 20/01/2020 14:28

Here’s the deal.... you were on a break and he shagged some other women. You might not see that they have anything going for them ( why? What does that mean?) but apparently he does. I’m assuming that you think he wouldn’t find the older woman attractive because of her age? I’m sorry / happy to report that lots of younger men find older women attractive ( usually but not exclusively because they’re more confident and know how to ask for what they want). I don’t think cooking comes into it too much. The fact that she’s turning up suggests he might not being very honest about the fact he’s back with you or she’s hoping for a piece of side action. She may or may not have a problem with boundaries but they were both adults and presumably he was happy to avail himself of her at the time. Other than that what is it you want to know?

TheReef · 20/01/2020 14:29

'Just leave him' is a helpful suggestion.

What people are trying to tell you, is what you can't see is that he is nothing but a complete user. There is no way to 'fix' this relationship. It's broken beyond repair / not that I would call it a relationship to start with. You're having a relationship with him, he's having a relationship with everyone else

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 14:32

Helpful suggestions for someone who is a serial cheat, has no respect for you and is putting you at risk of an STD. Go to sexual health clinic and get checked out. If your happy staying in a relationship with a cheat then use condoms and get some counselling to help understand why your standards are so low

MadeForThis · 20/01/2020 14:35

You already know what happened. You don't need the details. It's your choice if you stay or leave but this won't be the only time.

Only you can decide what you will tolerate.

merryhouse · 20/01/2020 14:48

Yeah, dump.

You don't need an admission. You don't need proof. You just say "this relationship isn't working for me" and leave it at that.

user1481840227 · 20/01/2020 14:55

This relationship has no hope whatsoever, if you can't even ask questions like that without thinking you are being psycho or being branded psycho.
There is nothing psycho about asking those things, it's the exact opposite, it is perfectly normal and natural to expect answers.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2020 15:02

as I just feel mugged off
Yes indeed.
He's fucking laughing at you and what you are prepared to put up with.
WHY???
Why do you think this is all you deserve?
Read your opening post again. As if one of your friends had written it. What would your advice be??
RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!!! THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>

Please get some counselling or therapy.
You should have dumped this lying cheat ages ago.
Why didn't you?
Your self esteem is very low so work on that before getting involved with any one else.

But for the love of god - DUMP THIS FUCKWIT!!!

You don't need any other suggestions.
You will NEVER get the truth out of him.
He's a manipulator.

He will lie and lie and lie and then lie some more.
Stop trying to understand this or 'get to the truth'.
It ain't gonna happen!
Pick up your self-respect from the floor and walk away (actually, run....)
I dread to think what you learned about relationships growing up!?

sarahjconnor · 20/01/2020 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Krazynights34 · 20/01/2020 15:06

Do you really not know what “been there done that” means in this context?
He’s had sex with her.
I’m not inclined to think that your assessment of what these various women have going for them is on the same level as your BF - he sees available sex objects.
Sorry if that’s too blunt.
What kind of advice would you like?

Tartyflette · 20/01/2020 15:12

Sorry, OP but I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, at least not anywhere you will be happy with.
He sounds very immature -- or definitely too immature to commit to you.
I think you'll be happier if you end it, it sounds very painful to be caught up in the middle of this mess.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 15:15

Put a bit of value on yourself OP. This guy is no good and has no respect for you, but you can have some respect for yourself and dump him, take some power back.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2020 15:16

I would appreciate some helpful suggestions, apart from "Just leave him" - Yes, I realise but this actually doesn't help

With all due respect, leave him is the only helpful suggestion

PPopsicle · 20/01/2020 15:19

Oh please, find some respect for yourself.

You won’t get the advice you want on her because no sane person is going to suggest staying with an absolute knob of a man

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 20/01/2020 15:28

He’s not even trying to convince you that he wants a monogamous relationship!
You sound like you are competing to win him, over these girls who haven’t “got a lot going on”.
You are not “psycho” you just don’t trust him, with good cause.
Can you turn a blind eye to sex outside this relationship? I couldn’t.

MashedSpud · 20/01/2020 15:29

If you don’t want to take the advice of leaving him then stay with a cheat until your self esteem has been drained.

Don’t have kids with him and always use condoms.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 20/01/2020 15:38

I'm not sure whether you are aware, but women in their 40's and 50's have an incredibly high sex drive (much higher than women in their 20's) and with a lifetime of shagging behind them, can be quite adventurous in the bedroom, and often don't even want commitment (or perhaps don't need it, as they've already had their kids and done all that). Quite an attractive proposition for men in their 20's.

In fact, studies have been done that have shown that men in their 20's are sexually best matched to women in their 40's.

Long story short, he has slept with her. She's up for a repeat (hence turning up with wine at his house).

He won't care about whether she cooks...he has no intention of being with her, for anything other than a casual hook up.

The question is, did they sleep together when you were a couple, or when you were you on a break? If you were on a break, then technically he (and you) were free to shag whoever you wanted. He's telling you he's "been there" very clearly, there is no ambiguity there. I don't like the fact that this is clearly well known gossip, and to a degree you're being made a fool of...that's not how a man treats a woman that he loves.

What is troubling, is that he was texting lots of girls before you went on a break. He's clearly not trust worthy is he?

You deserve to meet a guy, who things BAM, I've met Mila and she's everything I want....and to mean it and stay by your side...not fuck off to Palma with another woman. Personally, I'd just let him go....he's not treating you like the love of his life, is he?

You're only 24 - so young - time to move on from this douche bag.

user1481840227 · 20/01/2020 15:45

What does your partner have going for him? cos he sounds like a massive prick!!

and he's treating you like pure crap, and healthy, happy individuals don't tend to treat women like he's treating you (like dirt).

Sadiee88 · 20/01/2020 15:48

@MilaDraycott22 approach the other woman? She seems to be snout deep in your family life anyway!?

user1479305498 · 20/01/2020 15:58

OP, your post is well put together, you sound intelligent, what on Earth has this man got going for him? I’m being honest. It sounds like he is just after one giant ego boost in life, you can do way way better.