First post, long, pls tell me yr opinions... dp been to strip club, ALONE. I don't think this is normal.

[Bex24]

Hi everyone please tell me what you think as i'm really hating him at the moment and am too embarrassed to talk to friends/family.

We have discussed this before and I told him I really didn't want him to go. I went with a big group of people once and felt it was an invasion of our intimacy to have a woman dance naked that close to him. I know it doesnt bother some women but it bothers me and I cant help it.

While I was pregnant he called me on a night out in front of his friends asking if he could go with them (knowing exactly what I thought). I was pretty pissed off and he was very sorry etc etc and didn't go.

Discussed it again next day, he was really reassuring and said he wasn't fussed about it at all, they are seedy, expensive etc etc and wouldn't go if it upset me, and I felt loads better.

Then he confessed to me the other day that he went to a strip clup ON HIS OWN after a night out a couple of weeks ago, spent over £100 in there on two different dancers, dances lasting three songs or more. This is not lads egging each other on or a stag do, this is JUST HIM. I was mortified as this to me is a)massively insulting b)slimy old man behaviour and he is only 32. It disgusts me that he has done this, he feels terrible as he knows he's fucked up (partly blames the drink of course), but I am really struggling to forgive him. This is not the first time either, he went alone twice before but this was two years ago and before I told him I didn't like it, but I keep thinking three times is a bit of a pattern and I am really ashamed to be with someone who goes to strip clubs on his f*cking own. Especially knowing that it upset me just when he wanted to go with friends!

I really believe that he is sorry, and apart from this he is a lovely dad, great company, loving partner, and we have had ups and downs but in general a really good relationship. I am not a naggy woman, I like sport and beer and don't mind porn, but this is too far for me. I have never cared about him going out before but now I care because I have no idea what he'll do when out, and I have no idea why he would do the ONE THING I have ever asked him not to do and hurt me so much, at a time when my body confidence is hanging by a thread.

I have had major depression and self-esteem issues in the past and can honestly say that good counselling is the only thing preventing me from relapsing and hating myself and feeling like I'm not good enough.

I don't want to leave him as I love him and also he is so wracked with guilt and has some mental health troubles that I worry what he will do if I do, but I just find him and his behaviour repulsive and insulting and am worried that I am rapidly losing all my love for him.

What would you do?

hi bex and welcome to mn. what a first post!

have to admit i'd want to squeeze his balls so hard he's never do it again. but i know that isn't practical.

I hate strip clubs, xp once came home really up for it and I later discovered that he had been to a strip bar, found it repulsive.

I found out because he was telling a group of friends in a bar about it while I was at the toilet and when I came back he just carried on , anyway he is history for other reasons.

My DH has been to strip bars several times on stag dos and eventually I decided I could take no more and said if he had any respect for me he would not go to them, no consequences apart from me being repulsed beyond belief. I trust he isnt going to them but who can be sure, there has to be a point that you trust him but maybe not yet. If this is the only thing wrong and he arries on could you live with it, I suspect if its compulsive, if not then whats the problem with him giving it up.

Bloody hell, I am not surpised you're so upset.

I wouldn't mind DP doing this in a group of beery blokes (it doesn't exactly make me proud, I think the whole idea is really sad).

But I think it is a completely different ball game going on his own, especially because he knows that you don't like it. As he has sad, he has blamed it on being pissed, which is no excuse really - but at least he isn't going to these things stone-cold sober at 4 in the afternoon.

Something in his favour is that he has not kept it secret and has actually told you, imagine if you had found out frm someone else (that really would be a killing offence!). However, it is screamingly insensitive and hurtful, I presume he knows about your feeling down and having low self esteem. Well, he would be an idiot to think that you would be cool with his going to a strip joint and having gorgeous amazons draped all over him.

I suppose this comes into the whole man-world of things women find hard to understand. I think I would sit him down, say you are going to be cool this time, but tell him it's an awful thing and to not do it again, or you would not find it easy to forgive so readily.

Poor you - must be feeling rotten. Hope all goes well

Hi there, to give you a guy's perspective on this.

Firstly, obviously, loads of guys go to strip clubs. I've only been on stag weekends but the places are always jammed and plenty of guys I know go outside of stag dos (usually when pissed, often with people from office it seems). Everyone's got their own view on whether this is right or wrong, and no doubt posters on here will say it's just out and out wrong. That's their issue but I'd say the majority of guys have been and personally I have no issue with going, although a lot of them are bloody dull, expensive and loud.

Couple of things though. I think there is a difference between going to a club generally and getting a private dance. DW doesn't mind me going to a strip club but wouldn't tolerate me having a private dance. I think that's pretty fair as having a private dance is a lot more intimate than just standing at the bar watching someone on stage. That being said, again, plenty of guys have them so your DH isn't in the minority.

The kinda strange thing though is him going by himself. It really is usually a group thing at the end of the night when people are pissed/bored/clubs are closing etc. Haven't really got an answer to this I'm afraid but I'll be honest, it doesn't look great and quite simply looks like he wanted to see some naked women (rather than just go along with mates).

If you want some plus points though here are some. Firstly, he loves/ trusts you enough to tell you. That might sound like nothing but a lot of guys would never tell their partners they'd even been. Secondly, assuming he's telling the truth, it's just once he's gone on his own (which is the bad one to my mind). Thirdly, guys are stupid - we are often unable to make connections to women that are blindingly obvious, e.g. that seeing naked women makes partner feel like shit about their body, unless its tattooed across their face with a hammer.

Most importantly, his going is in no way a reflection on how attractive he finds you. That may sound like complete bollocks but it's the truth. Men like looking at attractive naked women, in magazines, on TV, in strip clubs. Hell, if they could wallpaper their toilets with them and get away with it, most probably would. This does not reflect, however, on how much they fancy their partners. Honestly. Completely. Totally. They could spend all day watching Scarlett Johansson strip naked on stage and go home and find their partner the sexiest person alive.

That being said, it is shit of him to ignore your wishes if it makes you that miserable. It is also not great for him to go to a strip club alone. Not sure if this helps at all, and no doubt I'll get laid into for this, but just thought an alternative opinion might help...

Ah Bex

I would feel like you too.

Although what cestlavie says makes a lot of sense.

I would be hurt and humiliated if I found out my dh went to any strip club, but to be honest if he told me I would most likely be OK with it, as long as there were no private dances.

Reading your post, that is the part that made me sad. The fact he spent £100 on private dancing when he has you at home.

I do hope the fact that he told you about it might mean he is willing to discuss things and not go alone again. Has he said why he went alone? You sound like you are willing to understand.

Has he ever asked you to go with him? Is there any way that you could sit down and have a frank and open discussion about how you feel with regards to his behaviour?

Bex - you say 'I am not a naggy woman, I like sport and beer and don't mind porn.'

This sounds to me as though you are blaming yourself. It also sounds as though you are going along with things (specifically porn) that you're not too happy about, for the sake of the relationship. (I might be wrong about this - I can't stand porn myself, so tend to lack objectivity!)

It is not your fault that he looks at porn, or that he goes to these clubs. It is his fault, and his responsibility. It sounds to me as though his behaviour is a little bit beyond his own control. There seems to be an escalating pattern - porn, clubs with friends, then clubs on his own. This when he knows it is something you find 'repulsive... insulting... slimy... hurtful' (your won words).

Would he consider going to Relate or something along those lines to discuss his compulsions? It might also give you a chance to explain to him how you feel - and really make him listen to you.

It sounds to me as though your low self-esteem is stopping you from doing what you would really like to do - which is to tell him to pack it in or get out?

Actually, as you said you likes sport, a beer & didn't mind porn, do you think he may just have though you were openminded enough to turn a blind eye to the strip visits?

Clearly he was wrong, I don't think anyone would say you were being unreasonable by being annoyed.

If you don't like the porn either, just speak up & tell him!!

I think that what Cestlavie said is spot on (great post)

In fact I can't think of anything to add

It looks like he has been honest prob becasue he wsa feeling guilty. He shouldn't have done it. It is odd doing it on your own.

have you asked him why he decided to go to a strip club on his own?

Hi peeps,

cestlavie, thanks that's a good prespective to have. the funny thing is that I do seriously belive that he DOES still find me attractive and that I am not the ugliest person alive in comparison, I even went on the website and looked at the dancers, obviously they are in better shape than me as a mom of 4 month old but honeslt I was surprised to see that they were not as stunning as I thought. If they were a 10 I'd be an 8 or 9, maybe. (Like I said thank the counselling for that)

The trouble is like firefly said he spent £100 when he has me at home fpr free... and he went on his own, not for the first time. And I find that so insulting. It just scares me that the person I love has a fixation with it and I'm so embarrassed. He has no idea why he did it though, and just keeps saying sorry.

We've had a number of open and frank discussions and he says all the right things, and wont go again etc etc, but what scares me is how I feel about him. Most of the time I just try to enjoy our time together because I can;t say anything new that will change nything (typing with baby on shoulder here sorry) but other times it eats me up so much I have to say something. And it gets us nowhere.

I am quite sure there is nothing going on with prostitutes, that's just scary.

By the way i actually punched him when he told me he went on his own (I thought it was a beery lads thing when he first told me). I have never hit anyone in my entire life and felt terrible.

He was there the time we went in that group, watching a dance (not him) was what really put me off it tbh.

I really don't mind porn. Cos I know (and I do know) it is only occasional and have checked out a little myself

I just dont know where to go from here. I wouldnt even have minded him going but not having the dances, its not the looking that bothers me, its the intimacy with the random woman.

I am just struggling to connect the man whho goes to strip clubs alone and spends over £100 on dances with the lovely man that I live with.

I wouldn't like it myself, i think you have every right to feel hurt and annoyed.

I have no problems with porn / pole dancing etc- DH and i have been together in the past and had a great time- but if i found he spent that much cash on something secret i would feel hurt too. It doesn't sound like he has NO respect for you, because in the past he did ask and respect your feelings. Plus, he did tell you what he'd done.

Have you discussed his motives / feelings etc?

i think the strip club is just like "live" porn.

i don't like porn, but as you have no problem with that, the strip club is just takin it one step further. Dont blame you your feelings

Nearly packed and left this morning cos it was eating me up so much and I can't bear wondering if I love him everytime I look at him.

Gone a bit off the point here, to clarify: don't get me wrong, I'm not a massive advocate of porn and would not like it if it was all the time and really nasty stuff, plus there is the added issue of whether it is exploitative etc... (Haven't quite figured out what I think about that - wish there was some kind of 'fair trade' badge for porn, lol) But I think there can be a place for it if you like it and is used sensitively, kinda thing.

But the point is this is real life, inches from his face and body, not on a screen and paying a lot for it and knowing I don't like it and all that. And it seeming so out of character.

I have booked a relate session as I wanted to DO something rather than just thinking about it, or trying not to. If he does it again I'm off, despite being terrified of being on my own again.

It hasn't helped that this has happened during the damn summer holidays and I have ZERO personal space with DD1 around (7yo) who makes me posters and notes to cheer me up, bless her. Am trying not to cry in front of her all the time but a)I can't help it sometimes and b) she's not stupid and can tell when something's up anyway. And will ask and ask and ask until she gets an answer she's happy with or I snap at her to drop it. (Not great) So far I have said he has done something to hurt my feelings and that things remind me of it sometimes and make me upset again and that we are trying to sort it out together.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Nice to know I am not exaggerating.

You are definatley not exagerating, could you go away for the weekend with the kids, to give yourself some space, not leaving him as such but maybe go and visit a friend who has kids that can play together and give you a break from worrying about them. You wouldnt need to tell your friend what you are upset about, just that you need some space. Might give him a little time to think about what a twat he has been.

Cestlavie's post was excellent

I'm not surprised you feel like you do though, I'd feel exactly the same.
I really hope he never puts you through this again.

what cestlavie said

Maybe a good plan. I will try to think of someone who fits the bill...

Want to watch Big Brother final b4 I go though

bex hun, dont feel like you have to justify ur feelings to anybody,they have been hurt, and he has made you question the trust of the relationship.I would react in the same way as you did, as its not just a "get together with the lads" he went on his own which makes it much worse,as there is no explanation and no one else to blame but him iyswim.Just take it as it comes and its good that uve booked a sesion.chin up girl

glad to see you've got your prorities sorted, GO ZIGGY.

If it was just a one off then ok I would not be happy, but I could maybe excuse it as maybe he felt that he needed/wanted to experience it to see what it was like. Maybe after not going with the lads the previous time it was bugging him wanting to go.

If it continues being a regular thing then yes I would be v bothered.