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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broke it off with married man

23 replies

lillyfifi · 20/01/2020 12:36

I've broken it off because I don't want to be a selfish horrible person anymore. I feel like his wife's life and choices are being stolen from her.
His wife is 48 he's 42 and I'm 27 affair has been going on 2 years she's the primary breadwinner and very successful she's too good for him!!

They have 2 preteen kids he says he wants to be with me etc when I finish things with him then he backtracks. He's a serial cheat who has cheated non stop his wife found out last time and kicked him and she only took him back when he had counselling told her he's a sex addict all my friends hate him and say I deserve better but I was so blinded by him and his lies.

Ive blocked him deleted him he turns up at my house, calls me from a different phone I know he's only using me for sex he doesn't care about me or anyone for that matter .

I dream about him, I feel so weak
I've recently been reconnecting with a long term ex that ended due to distance he lives locally now and I think I'm ready to close this chapter of my life and make things work with ex.

I feel awful about myself and so guilty on his wife but I still feel like I love him.

I know MN are harsh to OWs and I need it right now because I can't let him back into my life.

OP posts:

Glitterb · 20/01/2020 12:43

At 27 you deserve so much better than this, OP!

LordBiro · 20/01/2020 12:45

Yeah he sounds like a loser. It'll be raw for a couple of weeks that's all.

PicsInRed · 20/01/2020 12:48

So you've been cheating on the cheater and -now that you have your parachute ready to go - you've finally discovered that missing morality excuse that sounds good.

Goodo. 👏

Ghostontoast · 20/01/2020 12:52

Tell him you will tell his wife everything if he contacts you again!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2020 12:55

Have you a way of contacting his wife?
If so, when he turns up at your house have your phone with you. Dial the number and tell her that her husband is there and you want him gone'
If he tries to contact you then just tell him that you will let his wife know about it all if he doesn't leave you alone.
You have the ammunition. Now use it!!!

And.... leave the other poor bloke alone for a while. You still love the lying cheating scumbag. Give yourself time to get over him before inflicting yourself on anyone else.
You have some serious work to do on your boundaries, self-esteen and self-worth.
Sort yourself out. Like yourself and love yourself. Before you do anything else!

LiquidGold20 · 20/01/2020 13:08

I started a thread recently which may interest you entitled "Why do people cheat?" Read it, it might give you some perspective. Either way, you're right to break it off. You sound like you care more about his wife than he does.

EmmaNumberThree · 20/01/2020 13:11

I would have a break from any sort of relationship before you even consider trying to get back with your ex. You need to be single for a bit and sort your head out.

Figgygal · 20/01/2020 13:12

Well you’ve done the right thing finally I would tell his wife and then move on

Ilovefishcakes201 · 20/01/2020 14:23

Well done you’ve done the right thing after 2 years when you have someone else lined up for the minute.
To stop him just tell him if contacts you ever again you will send all the screen shots to his wife.
That should stop him.

Capricornandproud · 20/01/2020 22:33

Well done OP; thats incredibly brave of you. She also deserves to know. It really is the best decision you could have made.

SandyY2K · 20/01/2020 22:49

Tell him to leave you alone or you'll let his wife know.

At 27, you have all your options with men.

You don't need a married man...or one with kids and an ex who is bitter.

You're in your prime.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2020 22:51

Have a Blue Peter Badge.

12345kbm · 20/01/2020 22:52

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work OP and I'd be careful how you handle it. It doesn't sound as though he'll give up easily.

I wouldn't threaten him with anything in case he gets desperate. He has a lot to lose if he loses the poor schmuck paying his bills.

Your self esteem must be very low if that's the best you think you can do. Block him and tell him to keep away from you. If he turns up at your place, don't let him in and dial 999. Log all instances of harassment and get advice from the National Stalking Helpline on safety and your legal options should he continue.

Get an STD check as he's probably been having sex whenever he got the opportunity, don't kid yourself that he's been faithful.

You need a wake up call. This kind of behaviour doesn't reflect well on you and I would consider getting therapy in order to understand why you're allowing yourself to be used and why you can't cope for five minutes by yourself. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Try being single for a change and working on yourself first before jumping into another relationship.

PurpleTrilby · 21/01/2020 01:25

Definitely take some time for yourself. I was in a nearly identical situation at 27, I fucked off and did my own thing, went on holiday on my own, had a ball. No man required. Honestly, it will get better. A lot better!!

thickwoollytights · 21/01/2020 05:56

but I still feel like I love him.

Loving a man who only wants you for sex shows a serious lack of self esteem

isthismylifenow · 21/01/2020 06:04

I've recently been reconnecting with a long term ex that ended due to distance he lives locally now and I think I'm ready to close this chapter of my life and make things work with ex

Is this the real reason for ending with MM?

I really do think that you need to step away from any relationships at this point.

FabulouslyFab · 21/01/2020 06:07

What do you expect the eventual outcome to be if you carry on? He’ll leave his wife and marry you? Remember - when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Get out while you are still young.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/01/2020 06:09

Tell him if he contacts you again he can choose one of two options: either you tell his wife or you report him for harassment.

Then if he refuses to pick you'll do both. And do it.

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 06:14

OP, be single.

You talked about damaging this was for you. But leaving because you have a chance to get back with an ex.

Just be single. You arent making good choices. And you are emotionally hurting. You need to stop being in relationships until you figure out why you were happy to settle for such a shit man.

You have behaved in a shitty way so you can be with a shitty man. Running into a relationship with an ex is a bad idea.

Why do you need to be in a relationship?

Ginger1982 · 21/01/2020 06:20

So you're only thinking of breaking it off because you have another offer, not because you realise your behaviour is shitty?

slipperywhensparticus · 21/01/2020 06:30

Is the former ex throwing you an emotional rope to climb out of the messy situation your in?

I bet of you looked deeper former ex really wasnt that good of a relationship to go back to

Block married man if he shows up close the door on him when he cant get his own way he will fuck off, and if he persists call his wife tell her he needs to leave you alone or the police to tell him to fuck off

Either way take some time before getting in another relationship

MashedSpud · 21/01/2020 06:33

Do you get some sort of ego boost from shagging other women’s husbands?

I bet you believe when he says he and his wife aren’t having sex.

Grow up and find a single man.

Cam77 · 21/01/2020 06:38

I've broken it off because I don't want to be a selfish horrible person anymore.
vs
but I was so blinded by him and his lies.

Well done for breaking it off but probably not good to start making excuses for yourself. You are an adult who chose to get involved with someone in a marriage with children to raise.

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