Feel so alone and insecure

[My5babies]

I was with me ex for 12 years. It was a volatile relationship and he was verbally physically and emotionaly abusive throughout. I eventually plucked up the courage to leave with my 4 children and moved back to my home town, where i met my now partner.

To begin with he was brilliant and i thought i had met my perfect bloke but lately have started questioning our relationship. We have an almpst 2 year old who had major surgery 5 months ago and the only thing that would settle him was baby shark and i dont care. My phone had died so my partner gave me his to put them on for him. While putting them on i found my partner had been looking up gay porn etc. Obviously being in hospital wasnt the time or place to question it but he must have known i had seen it because when i confronted him once our son was better he was happy to show me his phone and all the searches and videos etc had gone and he said he must have been hacked. Now i might be stupid but im not that stupid there were dozens of videos etc.

We had been though something 2 years previpus where he had used my phone for his messenger but never logged out. I went to work and messages were coming through that my partner was going to meet this man and later on messages saying how good it felt etc. I confronted him and he said again he had been hacked and walked out the house for a few hours. Initially i believed him as when he returned i have never seen anyone looking so broken but now i feel like there may have been something in it.

He says point blank hes not gay and makes a point of following all these beautiful naked women on instagram despite the fact he knows it upsets me purely because i suffer so badly with feeling insecure and like im not good enough but i dont know whether this is a cover for the person he really is and i cant get a straight answer out of him. I feel like if this is who he is he needs to be honest not only for his own and my sake but for our son and the other children involved. I forgot to mentiom that as soon as i questioned him about this man on facebook he deleted him and blocked him on facebook then took himself off facebook so he couldnt be accused of anything else.

Guess im just looking for any opinions and advice from people

Thank you

Hello sorry you are going through this must have been quite a shock. Have you ever thought in the past he was bisexual? He shouldnt be contacting people of either sex. Can you sit down with him and have a proper talk about it?

Given the secrecy and the fact that he makes a show of following "hot" girls on Instagram, I'd say it's more likely he's gay than a cheating bisexual. It looks a lot more like you are his "beard".

OP, you must stop having sex with this man and have an STI test - tell the GUM nurse what you've written here and they'll know what to test for. "Barebacking" is a concern here, given the down-low culture in which he seems to be operating.

I can't stress enough that you need to stop having sex with him. I'm really sorry. 💐

On reflection making a show of the girls is a bit dubious... do you have a good friend to confide in and get some support from?

Sorry op but I'd bet my last fiver that he's gay and you're acting as his beard. Is he from a family or culture where that would be a cause of major disapproval?

"Someone hacked me" OMG at least come up with a remotely believable lie, dude. Sure, hackers like nothing better than to laboriously create an app which provides a back door into the users phones, sends the users social media logins to the hacker, giving the hacker hours of endless fun pretending to be the user and having a conversation with his account on the very slim chance that said user will a) be male, b) have a partner and c) be stupid enough to leave himself logged in to Facebook on his partner's phone.

TOTES BELIEVABLE BRO.

I'm sorry he's clearly lying to you. All the evidence points to him having been intimate with another man, at the very least. He's not going to admit he's gay though.

I think he knows you are on to him so has tried to limit all teaces of male interaction but this isn't sustainable long-term.

The commenting on models is just a cover, especially as he knows it hurts you and still does it.

You need to accept that he’s a liar and a cheat and he’s never going to admit it. Get yourself tested and you need to question why you accepting of his obvious bullshit.

Did you do counselling or the freedom programme after your last abusive relationship?

I can't believe you believed the initial incident - hacked and the person managed to find a gay man to talk to and carried on over a long period of time.

Then the second time hacked him just so they could watch gay porn?

I think your DP likes men OP. The gay porn isn't the worst thing in the world - if it was just a kink, but I think it's pretty clear he's cheated.
I'm sorry.

Hi OP, have you had an STI test recently? You need to be tested for HIV too if your partner has been having homosexual sex. I'm sorry

@Lozzerbmc i had np inkling he was bisexual at all. He was married for 10 years before we got together and his ex cheated on him and left him and he never gave me thw slightest inkling he was bisexual at all

@PicsInRed not having sex isnt really an issue as he never really initiates it or wants it anyway but i think you may be right in needing tested xx

I believes rhe initial incident because at the time his ex was dipping in and out his accounts before he asked me to change all his passwords for him. I dont think hes cheating or at least hasnt donw since that initial one i cant quite wrap my head round it he doesnt tet to hide his phone like a normal cheater would, he doesnt go for nighte out or late hone and doesnt make excuses to suddenly go somewhere

@AgentJohnson no i didnt do any kind of counselling after it, i srupidly thought after i seperated from him i could g3t myself sorted

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation i know exactly what you meqn and i have tried to explain this to him. He iant from a family or religion or anything that would cause him to feel like he couldnt be himself, in fact his family are probably one of the most supportive bunch of people you could meet.

If he is bisexual or gay there is nothing i can do about it but i habe continually told him he needs to be honest with me because i am not prepared to live a lie and he shouldnt have to love a lie either he should be happy to be who he is whatever that may be.

I guess im pissed off well 1 because i think he probqbly has cheated in the beginning and 2 he allowed me to bring another child into a relationship where his dad doesnt know whether hes gay straight bisexual or a bloody telephone and years down the line could end up messing with his head.

I broke down a few weeks ago when his aunt came to visit us and told her what had been going on went to show her but thats when i discovered it had all disappeared but she believed what i said her automatic response was you need to finish with him and find somewhere else to live