Been seeing a new man for about six weeks. Meeting up has been regular (once, sometimes twice a week), he’s very respectful. We’ve not done the deed as I like to wait (just personal preference!), he’s been totally ok with it, no red flags there. We’ve had lots of other intimacy. I should also say that I’m quite picky...I had dates all the time then I met him and something made me think actually I like this one! So I’ve been feeling pretty certain about wanting to see him again and again.
On Friday we’ve ordered a take away and I don’t know how or why I brought this up but I asked when exactly he broke up with his ex. It was in passing and just came into my head. He said it had been the start of October last year. This has taken me by surprise somewhat as it meant we started dating 2.5 months after they broke up. For some reason I had thought it was a little longer ago. I told him this and he was concerned he had misled me in some way. I said no he hadn’t, I don’t think we’d even spoken about it properly.
Anyway this then led to a broader chat about how it ended. He said they’d been together 18 months in total (I knew this as it had come up at the very start when we met). They lived together for four of those months. And here’s the thing... he said she ended it and although he knows it was right, he struggled with it for a while and wanted her back...and said that feelings don’t just turn off and maybe a lot of it was hurt ego (he laughed). All this I get, but obviously left me a little lost.
To be clear this conversation was a nice one, an adult one. He said he wanted to be honest with me and that he really liked me and wanted to continue seeing me. He asked how I felt and that it was down to me if this conversation made me feel differently and that he hoped it didn’t. I asked directly if he wanted to get back together, he said he had when it first happened but now it’s different, time has passed, she’s made herself clear and now he’s met me that makes it different too and that he knew he wanted to keep seeing me. I asked if they spoke, he said the last time was about 8 weeks ago but he’d have to go and collect a couple of things from her place soon that he had left. He said he’d be sad if we stopped meeting and even if we met on a platonic basis, he’d be willing to do that for a while, although that wasn’t his preference as he liked how things were. (Like I say there’s been no sex). I know he’s not had loads of relationships or long term ones (very career focused) so I think this hit him hard for that reason too.
I’ve been thinking about this and wonder if it’s best to say let’s stop speaking for a month and see how he feels then, when there’s more distance from his break up. Part of me thinks that’s best. The other part of me will certainly miss him but then what’s a month in the grand scheme of things... just to be sure he is in the right headspace?
I want to do the right thing here as I really like this man and it’s taken me a good few years to find someone I like (I’m 34 too so don’t want to waste time!). As much as I want to keep seeing him and something tells me this is different with him, another part of me thinks hang on, are we potentially ruining something that could be good by doing this when he’s not fully ready? We all have baggage and I’m not likely to find someone who doesn’t! But I just wonder if the brakes need to go on for a few weeks...or am I making a big deal out of nothing?!
What would you do?