He wants to have dd once over night a month...

[Breastfeedingworries]

I want to try and keep this brief as I’m Extremely tired but need advice (feeling poorly) but sorry if I end up drip feeding, minds muddled and I always miss bits out when lots of detail required!

Basically ex has dd every Wednesday full day, every other weekend sat 12- sun 6:30 He begged and pressured me into allowing over nights a lot sooner than I would be comfortable with but I was desperate for a break and to get a bit of life back.

So from 10 months he started having dd two over nights a month. She’s nearly 14 months now. It was hard at first but I’ve had some lovely times with friends I hadn’t seen much of, really relaxed but I’ve gone out every break I’ve had as I only get the two nights free.

As he works every other and has taken on over time (his choice, says he’s working 60 hours to save for a house) he’s saying he wants to drop to one over night a month. On his usual weekend the second week he’d still have her one full day. So he can go out with friends.

I’m in a pickle on the one hand good on him for working so hard, not having any free time for so long and saving like mad for a home for him and dd (we both live with our parents) but I’ll only have one night a month (that I know I’m covered) to make plans with, see people.
Worried about my dd then not being settled, feeling scared that it’s just 1 night, not being used to it.
Worried I will always be single and not meet anyone.

It’s all on the back burner as his uncle was found
Dead in suspicious circumstances 😞 and I feel guilty still worrying about contact while his family is grieving. But I need to bring it back up with him and I need some advice.

I’m really worried about my mental health if I only get one night break. She’s also a really poor sleeper. (I don’t have much family or friends that can babysit) most are childless. One of my close friends has two but she’s seeing someone new and I don’t know when she’d be free, and we’d often go out together.

Anyway hit me with some advice. No nastiness please

When I have an issue to sort out, I find it helps to make a written list of pros and cons.
The basis of that list should be what is better or worse for your dd. Everything else, including what you and ex want for your own convenience, is secondary.

That's rubbish. His dd is a priority and once a month just isn't good enough. Tell him he needs to have her every other weekend and one day in the week. That way your dd spends enough time with him to get a bond and you both get a chance to have a life.

🤣 he wants to drop down to one night a month so that he can basically go out with his mates more?

Ask him how does him reducing contact benefit the child? That he should be looking to increase it to benefit your child. And what's the point in working all these extra hours to buy a house, when he doesn't see her? He needs to build up contact so that they can bond, she won't want to indefinitely see someone who is a stranger to her. How is she supposed to cope during the school holidays when she will be spending a week at a time there. His life will have to adapt around hers just like other parents.

I said to him that it doesn't sound like he's really thought it through. In the future what is he is expecting - to continue to see her just 2 nights a month? Because if that's the case he might as well stay with his parents. He's not doing for your DD.

That should start I'd say to him

Would he consider a different pattern. Could he do Friday night till Saturday afternoon on one weekend a month and on his other weekend do Friday night till Sunday morning or his usual Saturday morning till Sunday evening. One overnight a month isn't in the best interests of your DD. Or could he do Wednesday overnights every week plus one weekend. So he has her Wednesday morning till Thursday morning.

If you live with your parents wouldnt they ever babysit?

I'd say to him at the age she is at, once a month is too long between visits and that it is advised with young children to visit frequently to build a relationship. Once every two weeks is the minimum you think will work

I’ve had some lovely times with friends I hadn’t seen much of
I’ve gone out every break I’ve had

does he know this?

Worried I will always be single and not meet anyone

Well yes, is that his point? You can't go out and meet someone or sustain a relationship if you only have two months a night off.

You can’t force him to have her. My ex is absent so doesn’t have the kids at all. I NEVER get a break. I don’t think you are being unreasonable but you can’t force him to have her more.

When I have an issue to sort out, I find it helps to make a written list of pros and cons.
The basis of that list should be what is better or worse for your dd. Everything else, including what you and ex want for your own convenience, is secondary.

This is brilliant advice. It’s not about what’s better for him or you. Make that list, show it to him and refuse for him to drop days for those reasons.

As another pp said you can’t force him but it may make him think about what’s best for DC. He’s a father. It’s not about him and as you’re doing the lions share of parenting you do need the space for yourself.

Thanks to the responses everyone and I Appreciate the advice.

He works 12 hour shifts and the patterns mean he currently works every Friday, I’ve asked about other nights and swapping to a week night and he’s said that isn’t possible. Feel like I’ve tried and given him lots of options.

He was the one who pressured me into more contact and over nights. Which actually lead to me stopping breast feeding because I struggled expressing when he had her for long amounts of time. ( I struggled with it anyway, hence my username but I’d planned on doing it for the first year, I had to stop by 6 months and I do miss it)

My parents work away in the week, so it’s just me dd and my dog. They do help at weekends but they’re both in their 70s with health problems.
Weekends is also their time to see their friends.
I think he’s bitten off more than he can chew with the over time. He’s not wanting to drop his hours though.

I know I can’t force him to have her and I’m considered lucky. Think I just struggle as he compares himself to dead beat dads and thinks he’s amazing. I had a two parent hands on family and I’m disappointed I’ve not had that for my dd

My dad was smitten with me and my brother and 100 percent there for us growing up.

I feel like a failure, single parent. Also feel selfish wanting more of a break because I do miss her when I’m apart from her. I have lots of mum guilt ect. I’d rather a little and often approach to contact but I got used to having the long stretches off and not panicked I won’t get the two nights.

Thanks for reading

I think it’s pathetic that he demanded more time with your daughter when she was so little and is now demanding less. Put your foot down and say no- he committed to having her and robbed you of precious moments, now that the child is settled and used to this arrangement it would be terribly unfair on her to mess it around again. He can’t pick and choose on a whim when he wants to commit more to his daughter- work or not!

Yes, you can’t force him to have her, but by that logic he can’t force you into his preferred timetable either.

Can I ask all the previous posters why it’s acceptable for a father to behave like this but up to the mother to pick up the peices?

You can’t forced him though, it’s a fact. You couldn’t forced a mother to have a child if she didn’t want to either. It’s bad but would you really want to send her off to someone that didn’t want her there? No one thinks it’s acceptable just not much that can be done about it.

It's in no way acceptable for him to behave like this Noti23. But you can't make someone parent or spend time with their child. As OP herself said. OP can and I think should tell him this is not in their DDs best interests, that DD needs to see him more regularly to build and sustain their relationship. She can try to get across to him how important this is for his relationship with his child. But if he doesn't care or refuses to listen and still says he's just having her for one overnight a month then care falls to OP as the parent that is putting the child's needs first. It's not about what's right or acceptable, but what's practical. No one can force him to parent.

Have you opened a child maintenance case? The shared care discount only applies if they have overnight the equivalent to one night a week or 2 nights eow? Point out he will have to pay more. I know that isn't the point but it motivates some dad's to get their entitled arses into gear