Breaking trauma bond

[Thisisourhappyplace]

I am 3 and a half months out of a 6 year long abusive relationship.
It ended rather abruptly with police involvement. It was not my choice at the time but I am relieved that it is all over.
Now that the dust has settled and I have done some reading on domestic abuse, I feel like I'm finally seeing the bigger picture.
However, lately I find myself missing him. I feel myself wanting to text and ask if he would take me back. I feel myself wondering if he would want me back again.
I know that all of these things are stupid and I would like to think that I would never ever go back. But I'm stuck in the grip of a trauma bond that runs pretty deep and its killing me.
How the hell do I get out?
I cant go NC as we have 2 young DC under 5 whom he has regular contact with. I have no family who can facilitate 3rd party contact and its massively impractical for us to not see each other and it also upsets the eldest. She likes to see us getting along and I assume finds it comforting.
This last week ex has been quite nice to me and gotten into my head

Its cause your lonely keep positive and keep away. Couple of things to consider if u got bk with him he may kill u (happens alot in dv) or social get involved and take kids. Keep strong xx

Hi, EMDR is a proven therapy for trauma. I imagine it'd also help with trauma bonding as it lessens the impact of memories. I've found it quite helpful, would recommend.

You could also try writing down all the unpleasant and abusive things he did, either on your computer and or on paper, that way you can look at it all at a glance whenever you need to remind yourself.

So glad you're out and have stayed out- well done. xxxxx

That is very worrying

Why is the scumbag not supervised with your children

You need to be very careful and I speak as a person who has been in this exact situation

It is awful
Get to a good psychotherapist
And mention emdr to your gp

You need to block and delete him on social media, so you don’t see what he is upto.

Write a list of all the shitty things he did to you in the relationship and read it when you start to want him back, or think that he’s not so bad.

Phone Women’s Aid and get yourself on the Freedom programme or do it online.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?
That tells you all about abusers.

Research about cluster b personality disorders narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths

This will help you see the pattern abusers stick to of the love bombing/ devalue /discard stages and how they operate.

Check out these channels on YouTube:
Surviving narcissism
Susan Winter
Richard Grannon
Dr Ramani Durvusala

You need to look into why your boundaries are so low.
Did you have an abusive childhood?
Does your ex remind you Aid a parent or sibling?

Knowledge is power and it will help you spot any red flags in future relationships.💐

@lexiepuppy thank you for the very practical advice. I have done the freedom programme online and have read lundy Bancroft already. I found them both very useful. I have been writing down incidents that I can remember in a diary to look at when I'm feeling weak.
He is blocked on all forms of social media. We only communicate via text/phone calls for the DC, although he has been trying to engage in general conversation with me this last week or so. Hes also been lingering to chat at drop offs.
I've decided I'm going to be 'on the phone's or 'running the bath' if he tries hanging around next time so I have an excuse to cut him short.
I will have a look at those YouTube channels.
I used to have such a strong character, but my ex husband cheated on me and I felt very vulnerable after we split. When I met the abusive ex I told him about this and he played on that big time. He truly broke me.
@looondonn social services were involved for a couple of months but after assessment said that he is not a risk to me or the children and so I am to manage contact. He is the type that would drag me through family court and try to get full custody of the children if I stopped him from seeing them so I'm better off just cooperating and letting him see them twice a week.
I will look into EMDR. I'm on a waiting list through womens aid for domestic abuse counselling but theres a 12 month waiting list that I'm only 2 months into. My local mental health services are shocking to say the least, and I'm unable to attend their sessions as I dont have childcare for the youngest DC. Ex has refused to have him during the day in the week so I'm unable to go anywhere or do anything that requires me to be child free.
I have no intention of going back, but some days I find it so hard. I know it's because how I've been conditioned to think and feel and I have to fight it. It just hurts sometimes.

I think you need to strengthen your boundaries rather than trying to rely on invented reasons why you cannot interact with him when he comes to pick up the children.

Think of yourself as a fortress with really thick, high walls, and a drawbridge that only comes down for as long as it takes to drop off or pick up your children.