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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual relationship confusion

28 replies

Chocolates123 · 19/01/2020 14:32

Hi ladies

Bit of background first, I'm in my early 30s and recently separated from DH. Six months ago I started a new job and was instantly attracted to another colleague (mid 40s) and we became fast friends. We get on really well and work closely together on a daily basis.

Fast forward to two months ago, we confessed we had feelings, but he quite openly stated he wanted things to be casual. We speak every day, see each other in work five days a week, and meet for meals/drinks etc maybe once every other week. We slept together for the first time this week. He was very attentive and affectionate, i.e kissing me all over for hours and hours, stroking my face, gazing into my eyes, telling me how beautiful I am etc etc. Afterwards he was still very affectionate, cuddling me and kissing me for a few more hours and hasn't pulled away since (which I was worried he would). We have plans to meet each other again next week.

I think my question is whether this sounds normal to you? How can someone be so affectionate and warm, but still not be into me enough to want anything more than casual. I enjoy his company and his friendship but I worry I'm falling too hard to keep things casual for much longer.

I'd like the continue with things, as he does make me happy,

OP posts:

AnnDaloozier · 19/01/2020 14:34

You don’t sound happy

mumchkin · 19/01/2020 14:36

Gosh. Hard one. Some men just say silly stuff like that. I’d pretend he hadn’t said it, go on as you are but if he says it again, cut it off. You’re worth more than being someone’s casual shag. As a wise person once said, when someone tells you what they’re about, listen.

filka · 19/01/2020 14:40

Workplace relationships are not advised - when it all goes to pot you could lose your job as well as your man.

Original poster

Chocolates123 · 19/01/2020 14:41

I wonder if some men can act like he does, but still not have much of an emotional connection to the woman. When he stated things would be casual, I just assumed he wasn't that interested. But his actions since suggest otherwise. Confusing.

OP posts:

ouch321 · 19/01/2020 14:42

Be careful...

You sound like you're on the train to Hurtville.

If it were me, I'd be up-front about things in a week or so (seeing how things go between now and then) and tell him you're looking for more.

Either he is willing to offer it, or he isn't and I suspect the latter is the more likely given he has explicitly told you he wants casual.

Then you make a choice to either stick around as is and get hurt, or stop seeing him completely.

I also think as you are colleagues, you have to take extra care.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/01/2020 14:42

Don't shit where you eat. It's never a good idea to have a relationship with someone with whom you work closely (and in many companies one of you would be moved to a different dept.)

3rdchristmaslucky · 19/01/2020 14:43

It's funny how fast casual will become serious if you mention dating other people.

Men like to have their cake and eat it. But they hate their cake being on anyone elses plates.

Casually mention someone asking you out. He'll soon change his tune.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2020 14:45

You should find out what he means by casual
Does he mean he's still looking to sleep with other people? Or just that he wants to meet you once a week/fortnight and doesn't have any plans to move in with you or have kids or whatever he perceives to be 'serious'?
My relationship started off casual. We saw each other no more than once a week and were very clear there is no trajectory towards living together or being involved in each other's kids' lives. That worked for us both and doesn't preclude it being a real relationship.

MyuMe · 19/01/2020 14:46

Why would you sleep with someone who only wanted casual if you want more?

He has told you upfront what is on offer.

Sounds lovely and affectionate but yes I do think they can just do that without feeling.

yellowallpaper · 19/01/2020 14:47

Is he married?

Jane1978xx · 19/01/2020 14:49

I agree with the above casual doesn’t just mean casual sex it can also mean that you don’t get involved in each other’s lives and kids etc. More important in my opinion than the casual label is if it is exclusive or not

category12 · 19/01/2020 14:52

Oh dear, very bad idea to get into this situation with someone you work with so closely.

Original poster

Chocolates123 · 19/01/2020 14:53

I would say casual as in he just wants sex. I was happy with this at first, because I'm really attracted to him.

He's is married, but they are separated. Perhaps this is where the issue lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolates123 · 19/01/2020 14:54

I guess I was just wondering if his behaviour suggests he could be more interested than I thought. I think I'm holding out that he will change his mind as we get to know each other more.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/01/2020 14:57

Exactly how separated are they? Does she know they're separated?

Sheld0r · 19/01/2020 14:57

Be careful. It sounds like he just wants a FWB arrangement. If you're struggling to accept that then maybe stop it now before your feelings grow for him. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him if you don't feel that this casual set up is what you want and end it before you fall for him and get hurt.

I had this set up with a work colleague when we were both single but we knew where we stood with each other. We both loved the chemistry we had in the bedroom but neither of us wanted more and that's where it stayed.

PicsInRed · 19/01/2020 15:02

He's is married, but they are separated. Perhaps this is where the issue lies.

What category12 said. Does the wife know she's separated?

Are they still living together?

MMmomDD · 19/01/2020 15:03

Workplace relationships of any sort are such a bad idea. Unless both are on the same page.
You are in the age where - I assume - you want to find a partner and eventually have kids?
And he - being in his 40s - possibly already has kids and unclear if he’d want any more?
If this is a fair statement of the situation - you need to hold your horses. This a a fling. He is separated - if he actually is - who knows?
Maybe his W is thinking it’s temporary and they are getting back together?

He had been honest with you as to what he wants/doesn’t want. Just because he was affectionate during sex - doesn’t mean that he wants to marry you. It just means he is an affectionate man physically.
And you seem starved for that and that’s possibly why you have reacted this strongly.
Be careful - it’s easy to fall for that when you have been deprived of such sensations. However - it is not necessarily real feelings or a basis for a relationship

PumpkinP · 19/01/2020 15:04

Oh dear...

TorkTorkBam · 19/01/2020 15:05

I'm holding out that he will change his mind as we get to know each other more.
No no no no no no no. NO!

This is sex. Just sex. Not a relationship. He told you clearly. Yes, he likes your body and he likes the attention. Yes he likes you well enough but he does not want a relationship, which is very sensible given you are both on the rebound and work together.

Strawberryorangess · 19/01/2020 15:07

Dating someone you work with never really ends well.

TorkTorkBam · 19/01/2020 15:07

He is good at seduction. I wonder why he and his wife are separated.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/01/2020 15:09

It's more likely that if he says he wants it to be casual, he means just that. He likes sex and dates, but he doesn't want commitment or to get involved in real life with you.

Are you happy with that? Fine if you are. But don't expect him to change - it's unlikely. More likely that he enjoys this for a few months, then moves on with a shrug, saying "but we were never serious", and has tender sex and fun dates with the next woman.

Personally, as soon as he said he wanted casual, I'd have backed off and said that's not for me. I like relationships to mean something to both of us. Personal preference.

MyuMe · 19/01/2020 15:11

I think I'm holding out that he will change his mind as we get to know each other more.

Well no on knows what the future holds since might.

But it is unlikely given the history of these things. They don't seem to end well.

I'm actually really glad a guy I discussed on here acted the way he did.

He was always clear he wanted to date me and really liked me. However he was suffering from depression due to work circumstances.

He met me a few times (no sex) and we got on like a house on fire.

But he said that he is struggling with his mental health and life changes right now and he is really sorry and needs to sort himself out first.

I have been protected from developing real feeling I've realised and I guess a lesser man would behave the way yours has in being intimate with someone willing whilst saying they weren't going to offer anything.

With your guy, you're going to have to say to him that you can't do this and if it's just casual you can't continue

You do not want to he this mans crutch whilst he heals from his separation.

Look after yourself

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 19/01/2020 15:12

I'd assume that he meant casual = 'not exclusive', i.e. that you could both see other people

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