I Hate his Friend

[wjen]

Me and my partner met in college and in our group of friends there was one girl who I did not like from day 1. I do not like her personality, her aura and the energy she gives out. My partner on the other hand considers her to be one of his close friends. Whilst I do not mind them being friends (and have never asked him to stop talking to her) I do not want to be involved in family activities or any other events that concern me (Christmas Parties, Birthdays etc)
My partner is now claiming that I am being completely unreasonably and that I should get over it.
How can I explain to him I do not want her in my life.

I think that to exclude someone based on their ‘aura’ or ‘energy’ is pathetic to be honest and if I were your partner I’d want a sensible reason why you dislike his friend, if you feel that strongly about it.

It’s fine to say ‘look dp, I know she’s your friend, but she and I aren’t that close so I won’t invite her to my birthday’...but surely you wouldn’t stop him from inviting her to his birthday? Or a joint occasion where other friends were going.

If you’re not careful he’ll choose his friendship over you. Not because he likes her better, but because it’s completely unreasonable to control who he invites to occasions based on an aura.

Has she ever done anything wrong? I get that get bad feelings from some people but expecting your partner to not invite her to his birthday because you don't like her "aura" is unreasonable. Do you feel threatened by her.

I agree with the PPs - what @KylieKoKo said. If you don't like her that's one thing, if she's been abusive to you it's another. I don't think I'd refuse to go to something just because I didn't particularly like one of the people that were there. You only have to be polite to her at most, at the end of the day.

Trust your instincts OP... it's all you have... there is no law in the land says you need to like everyone you meet...

@BumbleBeee69

That’s not what she asked though.

YANBU. She is your partner’s friend, not yours.If you dislike or hate someone you have every right not to engage with them. I avoid such people at all cost. I would be very irritated if someone tried to make me spend time with them.

Oop! I know exactly what you mean OP. Some people just rub you the wrong way and you don't like it. I keep those people at arms length (a quick hello then keep it moving type thing.) But because shes such a good friend to your DP, I guess I'd suggest the same keeping her at a distance. Don't cut her off...just yet.

Sounds like you feel threatened by her

Aura and energy? Sometimes you just don't like a person. You don't need to get descriptive. I've met several people I don't like. I couldn't give a fuck about their aura or energy

Hate is a very strong word. Especially as she's never done anything to warrant it. We don't all get along, even nice people don't always get along with or like other nice people.

It depends on what, exactly, you're asking.

Are you asking him to exclude his close friend from his birthday plans?

It's absolutely reasonable to ask for someone you don't like to not be allowed into your home (for Christmas parties, etc) but as you don't really have a presentable reason, your partner isn't being unfair to question it.

Don't let your dislike of her damage your relationship. Don't make him choose.

It sounds like you are the one giving off bad vibes here, OP. If you love your husband and she hasn't done anything quantifiable that warrants you disliking her then learn to put up with her.

I don't think I expanded this well enough. I have known her for many years myself and we had a falling out. And I have tried to just be civil, however I still do not want her at events such as my birthday to which he is adamant to invite her.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want people you don't like at your birthday, I would tell him she can come to his birthday by all means, but not yours.

I agree you should be free to invite who you want. But it really depends on what you are doing. If it is a small group of your friends that’s one thing. If it is a big party with all and sundry invited then this is going to have repercussions. Your boyfriend will think less of you. His friend will be slighted by your actions especially if she is part of a group of people who normally all get invited to parties and events.

People may judge you as being petty and jealous. Or that you are trying to push her out of your friendship group via your boyfriend. An accusation that might be valid.

Like you say, you didn’t like her from day one and then had a falling out. Yet you got with one of her best friends. You need to accept she will be in your life and that you need to act civil.

Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I have told my partner that we will get to the place where I am comfortable being around her however I feel like I need time and perhaps different situation, dinner etc not my birthday being the first time.

Imo you do not need to like his friend. And he most certainly does not get to police your invite list.

It's not up to him who you invite to your birthday.

however I still do not want her at events such as my birthday to which he is adamant to invite her.

Then I would tell him to celebrate your birthday with her.. you're not going.. then stay home and pack HIS stuff.. what a DICK telling you she must attend YOUR birthday...