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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I do online dating if I don't want to go out much?

13 replies

howdisappointing · 18/01/2020 22:32

I'm a single parent to a 3 year old and feel like dipping my toe back in the dating pool. I have some childcare for evening dates, but not loads, and I don't want to waste it on people I'm not going to like. How long is it acceptable to message people before actually meeting them? I feel like, if I can keep chatting for a while, I might get a better sense of who I'd like to meet.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2020 22:36

Chatting for longer simply gives you the opportunity to build an inaccurate image of and false feelings for somebody who could be nothing like the person they’re portraying themselves to be online, or with whom you just have no chemistry when you actually meet in person. It’s best avoided for that reason.

Does your DC go to nursery? Not all dates need to be full evenings, first meet-ups can be a lunch or coffee to see whether you actually like each other by then save evenings for those you do.

howdisappointing · 18/01/2020 22:38

Good point . I work when he's at nursery but do get a bit if time while he's with Dad for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
SenselessUbiquity · 18/01/2020 22:44

I disagree - it is received wisdom on here that everything except flesh and blood meetings is "fake" but I don't think so.
I have texted a lot before and after meeting and have found that it is pretty hard for someone to convincingly fake anything substantive for long.
It is true that a lot of guys online are liars but but it's also true that there are ways of smoking them out, and not all of them only work face to face.

Really, you can only know physically if you really fancy someone. But on the other hand, you can find out by text sometimes if you definitely won't, or won't like them.

Phone calls can tell you a lot.

Some men won't do this, they think they are being strung along. Some men aren't very verbal or very good at typing or talking - if that doesn't matter to you then you will have to get out there. I don't like non verbal people though so if someone isn't interested in fun chatty joky thoughtful texting, then I am not interested in him.

howdisappointing · 19/01/2020 08:30

Interesting Senseless. Completely agree that I need to meet people to see if we fancy each other but I definitely don't want to be lumbered across the table from someone I can't talk to and text/ phone would at least give me a clue! Are any sites particularly good for avoiding lying chancers?

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 19/01/2020 10:28

I don’t agree, I wouldn’t text for too long. You can get on like a house of fire then meet them and not fancy them at all. For me there has to be an attraction so you have to try and get the balance right.
I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 3 months now and we met on POF. Yes I liked him from his messages but we only chatted for about a week before meeting.

category12 · 19/01/2020 10:37

I'd meet fairly quickly - as you don't want to spend weeks talking to someone and then find when you meet there's no spark, as well as the possibility of being catfished.

I don't think you need to do evening dates - coffee dates first within a couple of weeks of chatting, then move it up into evening dates if it goes well.

category12 · 19/01/2020 10:45

I think lying chancers are part of the deal with any site.

Conflicted1212 · 19/01/2020 11:15

I like to chat via the site or text/phone for a week before meeting, setting up a date to meet soon. Reason I do that is you can find out if you can get on via conversation. Chemistry is a person thing. Sometimes texting for a few days, you can also get an impression of if they are needy or normal. I have reasons I do this, learned on bad dates.

One guy I matched with and met within 2 days. We had sporadic texts. Turns out we had nothing in common. Awkward date. Did the same with another guy, he was dangerous, like trying to force me in his car to go back to his ( we went out for dinner which lasted 34 mins). I had never ate so quickly, I feel if we had chatted longer I might have spotted the red flags.

Another guy, texted me constantly, bit full on. Like if I didn’t answer within an hour or he saw I was on WhatsApp would ask if I lost interest. Yes I had!

Another guy, we sparked via text but day before date, he went out by himself, got drunk and started to send messages that he was not a snowflake and very odd behaviour.

Others have realised we have no mural interests, which saves the going out to find out. Like pulling teeth. Also collected a few pen pals, which is why I try to set a date up after a few days of chatting, to turn continue the get to know you phase. If we don’t suggest a date to meetup within that first week, I get suspicious. Its fine if the date is in the next week or so, as we have lives, It’s the wanting to arrange and setting a date. why go on OLD if you don’t plan to meet.

Successful dates Have been chatting for a week before meeting. Reasons, Bit more to talk about, can tell If we will chat on the date and common interests. Conversation flows.

I am not texting all day to the potential date, as I have work life etc. . Just enough to see if there is a connection. But only way really is to meet. I have had a few relationships and made a few friends this way.

Just accept OLD you will meet done odd people, but also do very interesting people.

Cait73 · 19/01/2020 11:17

Meet in person ASAP, I’ve talked online and the phone and been hugely disappointed when meeting in person!

I tried online dating, had around 10 dates, can’t see myself doing it again was such a let down I feel I wasted their time and mine

VixenSixen · 19/01/2020 11:43

Give yourself a two week window to meet, drag it on any longer and you run the risk of wasting your precious time!

Quick coffee meets are always great for a first date, always have a phone call before you meet - you can tell so much and whether it's worth progressing further.

There is no perfect website for dating but the only one I use now is Bumble. Users have to be verified (blue tick) which helps to fish out the Catfish!

There are chancers on every website..... Read up on online dating red flags, will help you to identity behaviours to lookout for.

There's a dating thread here on the board - everyone is supportive and the advice us great. Good luck!

howdisappointing · 19/01/2020 12:23

Thanks everyone. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and get out there aren't I. Your experiences sound fairly horrific Conflicted! Glad you got away safely! It all seems a bit scary but I do want to make an effort at this. Will look at Bumble

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Conflicted1212 · 19/01/2020 15:44

The good out way the bad. Just make sure you are in a public place. Met my last 2 guys via bumble. Currently have 3 dates set up for the next week. Think my hobby is dating at the momentGrin. Tbh swipe life can be a bit depressing, so I go by numbers and meet as soon as there is a bit of text connection.

Conflicted1212 · 19/01/2020 15:45

Forgot to add. Try and get off as soon as possible. Numbers game

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