How can I deal with his financial meanness

[mrsnoodle55]

I don’t know how to rationalise this in my head, and I really despise what he’s done. Background- together 10 yrs, 2 kids together. Not married.

DP I earn similar wages; we both put a set amount into the joint account for all bills (household) and keep what’s left individually.

He has a huge amount of savings (his Dad is very rich). He doesn’t touch these, either on himself or any of us. He has never had to buy anything of significance eg cars, as they are given to him by his dad.

Whereas me, I have a small amount of savings. I need a new car; mine is falling to bits and unreliable. I mentioned this several months ago and asked if he would poss help. He said ‘why should I.’

So. I’ve been and got a new (2nd hand) car. Using all my savings and the rest through a bank loan. He knows this. I feel this is the financial equivalent of a spit in the face.

I know it’s his choice. But I would never be this mean. He comes from a family where family money is ‘family money’ (his family money!) and must be clung onto. He has always been tight. But this feels too far.

What do you want to do about it?

He knows the issue you have and has given you his response. He doesn’t intend to share his savings with you. Everyone else’s perspective won’t change that. You need to decide what this means for you.

OP, he sounds absolutely disgusting.

Meanness is unforgivable and never gets better.

You know what he is like.

He can't really care about you and be so horrible.

Take him at his word and organise yourself.

I’d say it was awful of him if he was spending his money on himself but refused to spend it on things for you, but you say he doesn’t buy things for himself either. It sounds like he has a pathological fear of spending money and a need to save it for an unknown end goal.

You don’t have compatible values and I doubt he’s ever going to change. Have you considered you might be better off separating?

That is ridiculous, you have two kids together! Surely you having a working car is to the benefit of the entire family, not just you.

Why aren’t you married?

I couldn’t be with someone like this, I agree it is mean.

But there’s a reason you’re not married and therefore his money is his money, not ‘family money’, so technically he’s not wrong.

But I don’t think I could love him with that attitude.

Charge him a chauffeur fee for ferrying his dc around...
In your shoes I would marry him ASAP with intent to fuck him off soon after...

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10 years you've stayed with this 'selfish' man ? and what of the two children who benefit from the family car OP ? does he not take that into account? Why would you stay with this man?

Comtesse you are unfortunately spot on. His parents and brothers are the same; one is recently divorced and I suspect his wife finally had enough.

If he was as equally awful in other respects I’d be off like a shot. However he is the most hands on Dad you can imagine, does loads of house work and isn’t unpleasant to be around. But I know this shows how little he really cares. Thankfully my mum drilled into us to never rely on a man financially so I can fend for myself. It’s not an excuse but his (millionaire) Dad was very financially controlling and he is playing out what he’s grown up with. I’ve tried to talk with him about it in the past but it never ends well.

I’d always buy secondhand cars but that aside, it sounds like this behaviour is typical for him and he’s never going to change so I don’t know what you can or want to do.

If he won’t spend it for any reason what’s he planning to use it for? Is he sitting on it for the children longer term?

My vagina would have dried up living with such a man.

Is there any way that you can discuss having maintenance and gas for both your cars be put into the joint fees? You're both driving dc around, getting groceries etc. Yes, there is individual car usage but there is also joint benefit to you both having a car if you're living as a family unit.

As for marriage, he was always more keen than me (for reasons I shan’t go into on here, I’ve been previously married a long time ago).

However the badgering from him and his parents stopped immediately when his brother’s wife left him, as she clobbered him financially for half the house (fairly IMO as she had forfeited her career.)

OMG dump this tight arse, what a horrible, horrible human being he is.

Next time he wants sex tell him "why should I- youve got a hand havent you?" see how he bloody likes it.

This is no partnership - he is treating you like a stranger

I guess only you can decide if hes good enough to stick with despite the financial side of things, however whatever a family earn while together should be spent/split together so I probably wouldn't have stayed with him from the beginning but I know not every family think like this.

Meh,
The OP and her DP have both made unilateral decisions within their relationship. Ones that they are both entitled to make since they are not married. Neither of them seem to be have been satisfied with the decisions the other made. But it was their choice to accept it and to continue in the relationship which they have both created. It has downsides for both of them. But then marriage and joint finances can do that as well.

There’s no financial abuse by the sound of it. Loans for car purchases aren’t that unusual in most people’s lives. If the DPs family didn’t help out they would have 2 car loans.

Tell him he needs to change a little and stop being so tight and greedy otherwise he will be in the same boat as his brother. Might make him think. X

As above. Your situation will only get worse if you do nothing.

Personally I can’t bear tightness _ I don’t have joint accounts with my OH and earn my own money but I do expect each of us to be happy to spend money on the other person and not not pick every holiday/ bill 50/50- it’s an unattractive quality to me.
What’s the money being put aside for- a bigger house? Retirement?