Not sure what I’m doing anymore

[Zaza6375]

Not sure what I’m doing.
Hello all. I have posted a couple of times before so if you would like a full explanation please read back..
I live with my husband of 26 years and three daughters. 2 are teenagers one is 5 with moderate autism.
We have had a few tricky years as I’ve bleated on about in the past.
Everything came to a head in March last year. We normally would row frequently and then in the morning I would start the conversation again.
This morning in March I decided not too as I’d had enough.
The kids and I lived our lives this summer. I took them camping, I drove to France we had fun doing the things that he said he would hate to do.
As a result we have not spoken in 10 months.

The kids and I lived our lives this summer. I took them camping, I drove to France we had fun doing the things that he said he would hate to do..on our own. He says I did these things to piss him off. No I did them because I’d event some money of my own and wanted to show my kids some fun!

We went to a Relate assessment which he then (I think) cancelled future sessions.
I have asked him to meet me on a few occasions to meet and discuss what has happened to us.
He won’t meet and says I’m unapproachable, controlling a bully and that I’m too hectic for him.
I have three kids and my own business I possibly am controlling because I have to be.
I go to bed at 7pm as he is in the lounge and is constantly on iPad iPhone and tv. He won’t move out.

He has not told his friends or family what is happening to us. I have.
I just don’t know what I’m waiting for anymore.
He says in rows that he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know what he wants, how the *uck did he get lumbered with me’ Then later he will say ‘but that was in a row’
I’m wasting my life. He is emotionally detached and just concentrates on himself.
He is obsessed with our house and when we do argue he just says he’s proud of it, worked hard and will never leave it. I’m never mentioned.
I still can’t believe this is happening to me.
He adores the kids, they love him ..he is a good man (I think) but he’s just ignoring evetything that’s happening to us.
I’m venting and rambling sorry.
It’s going to be left to me to end this marriage isn’t it? And be the ‘controlling’ person that I am.
Anyone been here?
I’m so scared to start again and I’m pretty low at the moment.

Its over
You need to see a solicitor about the sale Of the house
You need to tell the children, the eldest 2 must already know
It's no way to live

Yes.. I think it will be up to you, unless you're willing to maintain the status quo.

It sounds very hard and miserable tbh..

What's your situation? Could you afford to move out? Doesn't sound like hes going to go.

Just because an arsehole calls you controlling doesn't make it true.

If he adores the kids then why is he making their home a hostile environment and refusing to engage with family life?

@user3575796673
His answer to that would be ‘I don’t want to go camping..it’s not my thing’ Driving to France ‘would be painful..not my idea of a holiday’
There’s a moan about everything.
He says he doesn’t want to mix with my friends (parents of kids freinds) as they are too ‘posh’
It’s rubbish.

take control. Move out. Take the kids with you - this is no way for them (or you) to live

It's happening, and you've let it go on too long. If he can't put your kids first, you can. and once you're on the other side, you'll just feel relief. And freedom.

What are you waiting for? Why does it matter who actually ends it, it’s already ended

@costacoffeeplease
@ThatThereWoman

I think I I’m waiting for him to actually take control and make a decision. To say I do love you, I’ve been a fool I’m sorry.

I just know this falls on my shoulders and then what if I’m even more unhappy without him.
Everyone loves him..all day what a lovely bloke he is.

It’s me just being cowardly

But why? If you’re unhappy then take control

@Zaza6375 I think I I’m waiting for him to actually take control and make a decision. To say I do love you, I’ve been a fool I’m sorry.

I could have written that. DH told me in an argument he doesn't love me anymore. Then refused to discuss it saying he was just angry. But he doesn't ever say I love you let alone act with love. I think he either wants to end it but doesn't have the courage or finds it easier to live as we do with me taking care of everything at home and him just focusing on work and getting to see kids when he wants. Being here in limbo just gets more and more painful over time and I know I'll have to be the one to end things because for whatever reason he won't. Just because he hasn't ended it OP doesn't mean he feels what you wish he would.

@ToBreatheAgain hi I’m really sorry to read you’re in a similar position to me. I think this does come to courage.
It’s almost so he can blame me..you... for ending the marriage rather than him instigating divorce?
I don’t know about you but this is becoming soul destroying for me. Limbo is exactly it.
He has said to me in rows ‘I’m not cut out for fatherhood’ that really hurts.
Then afterwards says ‘I didn’t mean it..everyone says things in rows they don’t mean’
How are your children coping?

I think, five or six steps on from this, you will have a bright fun new life. It's just going to be the getting there.

I've seen 100s of women extricate themselves from situations like this and build lives more suited to them. It can work out really well.

I'd end it and take everything on the chin, work hard, manage it all and just navigate your way through to a whole new life xxx

In the same boat here. Limbo. 20 years and two kids. So depressing.

@loopery sorry to hear that you’re going through this too. I work with many different aged women and I always tell them ‘don’t settle’
It’s not a lot to ask to be loved is it?
@something2say thank you..I’ve basically got to grow some! Just very tough believing that I can do that. I’m 46. I do not want to be in the same place at 56 wishing I had been brave.

So today I have reached breaking point. Nothing specific but I have sought legal advice and have an appointment this week.
I’m totally gutted that this is down to me to end our marriage..I just cannot go on living this lonely lonely life x

These men are cowards. They make you make the fist move so that they can then say it wasn't them who broke up the marriage. it's bullshit. You are doing the right thing - you are being brave and doing right by your children. you H caused this not you, but you are taking control. Stay strong OP.

Thank you so much @ThatTherewoman needed to read that.

Zara ger into it with me, why the focus on who does it??

I used to go through this with DV clients. Whose fault us it, who breaks the silence on how shit things are, who speaks the truth seemed to be a bad thing.

But it's not a bad thing. It's good. It shows clear thinking, an ability to act on feelings of unhappiness and discomfort and its brave.

He may want to live a quiet life of staying at home and being far less social than you.

You may end up with a smaller pretty happy house and go lots of places, have people round, do stuff etc. Neither of you are wrong. The combination may be what wrong.

Also, if he has been shit to you and the atmosphere is horrible, that too is ok to say.

Yes say it.
Yes it is you saying it.
Yes you saying it precipitates the end.

So what? It's ok. It's good. If its true it's TRUE. Saying it is brave xxxxx

You're ripping the player off OP. It needed to be done, your kids can't live in a war zone.

Doesn't matter who he thinks is to blame or what he tells others. Only 2 people really know a relationship, and you both know the truth.

Keep in mind what your life could be like in a year from now, and take it step by step. Your home should be a sanctuary, work towards that.

*plaster off

Thank you all. Your words really helped.
Intention of Separation letters are being sent tomorrow. I’m really frightened of the fall out but I can deal with it. Step by step.
There’s got to be more to life than this x
Thank you all so much

@Zaza6375, good luck I'm in the same boat too and it's horrid! You've made the first step which is really brave. My stbx wont move out and wants me to be the bad guy too, even though his behaviour has killed our marriage. Definitely cowardly and making things far harder than they could be but us women are strong! I feel like you in that I'm 42 and don't want to be in this position at 52, should have left at 32 😖 sending 💐 and best wishes

My ex created a situation of constructive dismissal- he made the marriage vile and untenable but insisted he did not want it to end- I think trying to paint me as the bad guy to the kids when eventually I did leave.
It hasn’t worked, they pretty much see him for what he is (and isn’t)
You will feel a million times better once you are free.

He's pushing you to the limits so that he doesn't appear as the bad guy, just the victim.

His inaction is just as controlling so don't feel bad.

Good luck.