Feeling years out of date - how did you start again?

[RedIsMyColour]

It's been over a decade since I divorced a deadbeat alcoholic ex. I've had my head down, focused on DC and my job and had zero time or opportunity for any sort of romantic relationship since then. I've never been against meeting someone in principle and always said that if it happened that would be great but I wasn't actively looking. Career and DC both did well in the meantime.

Finally, in the last few months, I've found myself able to slow down and take stock of life. DC are older. I'm not currently in a role with lots of overseas travel or management, and am taking things more easily with work. I do actually have time and space in my life now, and could imagine having a boyfriend or partner again, and it being good.

I thought about internet dating but couldn't even get through the registration. I have no photos of myself that aren't work or child related. I've no idea what to write on the forms. I feel unable to tell anything from other people's photographs and profiles. The longer I look at them, the less I want to participate. But how else do you even meet people these days?

I also met someone casually that I quite like. He's around my age, single and at least seems to like talking to me when we bump into each other. But I have no idea what to do about this, or even if it's a good idea to do anything. I'm not sure if I'm more worried that he likes me, or worried that he might not. Perhaps he smiles like that at everyone.

I feel clueless and silly even though I am not so confused and indecisive in other areas of my life. I think it's because I was so naive with relationships in the distant past. I'm afraid that something important will slip past me again and somehow undermine the good life I've built with DC.

How did others start again?

I'd enjoy it for a bit until you're certain he likes you! How often and where do you see him?

It's not necessarily any easier if you've always been single! Do you have any friends that you see outside of work. Any hobbies? If you don't have photos, take some yourself and/or enlist some help from kids, or friends you trust.

I'd aim for

• a nice but fair (ie it still has to look like you) head + shoulders shot, smiling.

• something that shows you at full height
• at least one photo that makes it easy for someone to start a conversation - might be a holiday pic or somewhere interesting at home, a hobby, fancy dress.
• at least one photo that shows you doing something, being somewhere.
• ideally a group shout. You can blank out the other people's faces if you prefer.

There's a dating thread which always running on the Relationships board. You'd get loads of support there.

Don't agonise too much. You've done an amazing thing bringing up your kids, holding down a job and providing a home for them. This is your time.

Sorry that's a long reply. I'd also say I think having your own life now is really important - you won't feel great if you turn up to dates and all you have to talk about is work or kids. Have something that you do regularly that you enjoy that is not about meeting a new man.

Next time you bump into him and you're having a quick chat and he's smiling at you 'like that' why not say 'Fancy a quick coffee?' and quickly move to the nearest café and sit down and chat.

Up your sleeve know what comedy show / art exhibition / concert / gig is on at your local venue next week so you can talk about , say, Jack Dee's latest tour and how hilarious he is and does he fancy going? That sort of thing.

It sounds like you're ready, OP. If your nice acquaintance doesn't evolve to friendship or more, then try a walking group or look into Meet-up groups - there seems to be one for every interest on the planet so you should find people who share your interests which will expand your circle and may lead to you meeting someone the old-fashioned way.

Are you children old enough to not need childcare? If so I’d probably start by joining a group of some sort that I genuinely enjoyed. Just to be doing something for me and also to have something to talk about.
Then I’d think about online dating.

*@RedIsMyColour I know just how you feel. I'm totally clueless and aghast at what I am reading on the Dating thread . It seems like a jungle out there, with men who expect a 'shag' on a third date - and may still 'ghost' you even if you comply. Plus I'm 60, 40+ years married until recently, and never had to 'date' in my life...

Thank you for all the replies!

FlowerArranger - Yes, I saw the Dating thread and it was scary (the stories, not the posters). I think I might lurk on there a while to educate myself about some of these things before I dip my own toes into internet dating. There wasn't a lot of formal dating when I was young either, more just meeting people at parties, clubs and through friends.

Thanks Palavah for the photo tips. I'm not very visual and I've never really got into selfies so the photo part is a bit challenging all round. I thought of using a head and shoulders from an old conference programme but it really doesn't look right!

I do have several good sets of very old friends from school and university but we all live in different parts of the country now and I don't see anyone often enough to really enlist their help with internet dating profiles and photos. I definitely wouldn't want to get DC involved.

I have a few long-term hobbies but they're all currently pretty solitary (some music stuff, jogging and fitness, international cinema and so on). Maybe I could make them into something more social. Meet-ups sound like they could be a good idea and I am in a city so presumably must be some around if I Google.

My friendly acquaintance lives locally. I originally met him a few months ago when he was doing some work on my building (he has both a regular practical job and an irregular arty/creative job - I like his work ethic!). We've had a few conversations and he has told me a bit about himself, his family, and work, including mentioning an exGF (in a nice way which made it clear that they were still friends but that he was definitely single). Now we often cross paths outside my building or on roads nearby going to and from shops or work.

HumbleBumbleBee's approach is perfect but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to use it yet next time I see him. He is someone I could imagine being friends with even if it didn't go any further so I should definitely make more of an effort. I've realised now that he has told me quite a bit about himself and I haven't volunteered as much. He might just know where I live and that I'm a single parent, having seen me coming and going with DC.

PullingMySocksUp - DC are old enough to be alone for an hour or two so coffees and groups are possible but late nights and weekends away not just yet...

Well good luck with whatever you try.