Disclosing assault to man I'm seeing <and other issues>

[BirdsChirp]

I am in my thirties. In my late teens I had a 'boyfriend' and my only sexual experience was non-consensual.

As you can imagine, it knocked me for six and I spent most of my twenties trying to get over it. I've had therapy on and off but tbh, I've got to the point where I think I need to stop talking about it and actually get on with things. I also desperately want to have a family.

I downloaded Tinder and met a man who I like. We've been out three times and I'm quite aware of the fact that most of my friends/people my age would have sex quite quickly. I also am crap at reading people- he kept bumping against my hand while we were walking along the road and I just thought he was clumsy until my friend burst out laughing and said he was trying to hold hands with me

It's not that I don't trust him or find him creepy, but I don't know him and I don't feel comfortable disclosing all of the above to him yet. I don't want to deceive him, and I know I will not be the easiest person to date, but how do I do it?!

I actually wouldn't until you know him much much better. It's a really bad idea to give someone the key to your vulnerabilities unless they're really trustworthy.

I would go for some sort of explanation like you haven't dated much because you're shy or something, and that you want to take it slowly.

Totally agree with the PP. You don’t know this man. Get to know him very well before you tell him. Only when you trust him. Don’t feel pressured into sex if you are not ready. You can just ask him to take things slowly. If he won’t respect your boundaries he’s not worth your time

I would go for some sort of explanation like you haven't dated much because you're shy or something, and that you want to take it slowly.

This isn't necessarily untrue, I suppose.

Question part 2, then.... how? I don't feel like I can just message him but the thought of the conversation gives me the collywobbles.

I wouldn't message him with it. On your next date, perhaps bring up what your friend said about him trying to hold your hand (in a light-hearted way) and ask him if she was right, hopefully he'll laugh along and say yes he was, and you explain that you're inexperienced at the whole dating thing.

Just because there is a culture where people like to jump into bed quickly, it doesn't mean you have to. Lots of my friends sleep with men within weeks (sometimes hours) of knowing them, but I like to wait at least 2 months so I know it's going somewhere.

Wait until you're ready. Never feel pressured. If he really wants you, he'll respect your decision and wait.

Do not disclose anything so personal to a man you barely know.

It's not especially unusual to take your time before having sex, and he shouldn't need a reason to respect your boundaries.

he shouldn't need a reason to respect your boundaries.

So much this. ^

Don't tell him. It's too early. You don't want to have sex yet, end of story. You're not required to produce a reason.