Are we really heading for a divorce? don't know what to do!

[mumsville]

Dh done it again. We've run out of money so I'm starting a new job on Mon and have started ds in nursery. Feeling stressed and emotional but don't show it to dh - wouldn't dare. He's so uncaring. Given that I gave up a well paid job two years ago to try and have a child (dh with issues) and now the money's run out and I've done my job in producing son and heir keen for me to get back.

Due to our working hours we won't have one day when together as a family. Today is indeed the last day we will have a family together so I organised with dh agreement to take ds to the zoo. DH wakes up and does everything in his power not to go - slept late - put ds to sleep then tries to pick a fight. This might seem minor but dh is acting as though we are seperated. Not interetsed in me - picks fights - doesn't want spend time as a family. I know he ahsn't got another woman but it's clear he's not happy with me and vice vera. Mentions divorce quite a bit but wants me to instigate (so he can play victim). I think he's depressed and I've tried to help but he's not interested. However, he's not interested at all in my fears about working after a break, not interested in the fact that I'm having a suspected skin cancer taken off shortly (the second one) but instead moans about how ill he feels but rejects my offers of help.

Why the f** do I bother? Want to go to Relate - he's not interested. I feel we're living in mental deprivation and given that our only dc will rarely see us together, isn't it our duty to make those times special for him?

If I left him I'd have to go live with my mum - so I'd be jobless. dh would find it hard to maintain acess due to his long working hours. I want to make this work but everytime mil calls (and I've posted about her on plenty of occasions) his attitude gets depressed - he's always got to be on call to listen to their problems and worked up about them so there's no mental space for me in his life. Never wants to consider a short holiday as we should be going to see his mum at every given opportunity.

how do I tackle this once and for all. feel so low and like a failure and why the hell should I go back to work. It's clear that the extra income won't benefit us while we're like this. I've almost given up hope. Really grateful for advice as I feel I'm messing up here. He makes it very hard for me to love him.

At least if you go back to work you'll have something stable in your life, and more financial security. Your dh sounds v hard work and you are trying your best. It may well be that you are doing everything you possibly can and he is the one being unreasonable, but it sounds like you don't want to be divorced. Have you read Dr Laura Schlessinger's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? Please don't think I'm implying you are in any way at fault, but it might just help.

Will certainly buy it if it helps.

dh and ds asleep so I went to get in the shopping. dh just woke up i na foul mood complaining that ds had a temperature. No, dh had overheated him - didn't tell him that though. But he lost his temper anyhow.

I do hope that working makes me feel empowered however dh has already earmarked the money for a new bigger car which we don't need. So more arguments ahead!

Hugs. Sorry. You know there is nothing practical that I can suggest.

Are you totally sure that you have to go and live with your mother if you do separate? You work, you will have maintenance.

Seperation is something we'll have to think about. He's taken son out on his own - this is our last family day together - what does that tell you?

He's come home and I've tried to tackle him aboutit. Before both parents called and were very concerned. They have been for quite a while.

His approach - don't worry I'll leave, give you custody of ds (well, off course) the flat etc. I'll just walk off into the distance to make you feel guilty.

Clear he's not interested in making it work.

I called a marriage counsellor and they've told me to go tommrow to CAB to see what my rights are in terms of ds (don't care about my property tbh) as my dh is from another EU country to ensure ds is safe with me. This is something I have worried about as dh has told me in the last 15 months that if I don't like the situation (I haven't been out since ds born 15 months ago, mil has rights to say here as long as she wants and what she says go, does nothing in the house whatsoever and I have to mother him - his English hasn't really developed in 15 years) I go (in very fruity language) but ds stays in flat with him.

I'm meant to be starting a new job on Monday. I dont' need this especially now - a dh who says we're going to live like shit, Iwon't respect you and if you don't like it piss off.

You can get Dr Laura, and other books on relationships, from the library - no need to buy it. Sounds a v difficult situation, complicated by his mother being around and him being foreign and therefore maybe v different upbringing and expectations to yours. I wonder what is making him so discontented and short tempered - surely he hasn't always been like this?

dh is a very passive and quiet person easily manipulated and easily exploited.

MIL lives overseas but has a massive influence. I think his attitude is 'no more mr nice guy' and taking out on me.

Last night got really ugly and ds was crying (!). he's being sent to nursery now so today was his third day and i was told he found it very difficult. He was very clingy and quite aggressive when I got him home so I don't know if it's nuersery or yesterday.

Today dh comes home doesn't want to eat my food. Goes to bed and wakes up in time for ds bath. Every time ds says the word 'mamma' he corrects him to say something else which means 'grandma' in his language. I find that very worrying.

Sadly yesterday my father called in the middle of dh rant and my dad is going mad. Even he is saying I need to get hold of and hide ds passport.

On top of all this I start a new job after two years on Monday. Agh

Write everything down and post it CAB. Or go and see them ASAP. As for passport, I am sure that you can cancel DS passport. But I think it might have to be done through a solicitor. Just while this is happening now. You definately need advise sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't leave it, Especially when you have the worry that he could take him out the country. Sorry maybe not much help.

please find ds passport and hide it just in case. You sound very unhappy

Please hide your ds's passport.
Would it be so bad if you had to stay with your mum and be jobless against facing the possibility of losing your son?
Sorry can't really offer any practical advice other than run, and thats not very constructive either.

Definitely take your son's passport.

Right, agree about passport.
Also, does your dh work? Don't let him be a SAHD, he could use it against you.
Get a solicitor.
Get your family to help if they can.
Make written notes of everything.
Ask him to go to Relate.

It sounds an awful situation. Only you can make the judgement when if ever is the moment to finish your marriage. But I have divorced, and I can tell you that you would survive. you might start at your mum's without a job, but you would move on.

REUNITE could perhaps give you some advice about the possiblity of abduction and how to deal with it. They are a charity, you should be able to find them on teh internet.

Thanks so much.

Please - trying to get ds to say grandmother rather than mother is outrageous. What should I say to him about this. Or should I make a joke of it, or when ds says daddy should I say no, 'grandaddy'. Not my style?

Last night I felt so lonely but feel much stronger today.

We are not getting on(clearly!), but I don't want our baby to pick up on this.

Reason I'm so sad is that it seemed we were going to be childless and were recommended for IVF. I took the drastic step of giving up work to give it our best shot and it worked. I feel very used and now in a position that I'm shitting my pants about a new job after a few years of not working as I don't think it's dhs responsbility to work harder (he does work very hard) when I can help out. But the path I'm going down with this is going to be bitterness. But to divorce now would be letting ds down, I think. My view is lets try to call a truce and be civil. A few months ago I laid down some ground rules - just greeting each other in the morning and saying goodnight. Have we failed that!!!!!!

My MIL is a very needy person and it doesn't look like sil will produce her another grandchild she's even more fixated on her ds and my ds!!!! it's so offensive.

He won't go to relate but I want to (alone is fine) and I will certainly look up that website on abudctions.

My dh isn't evil but he and his family are very desperate and scared people and this is what makes them dangerous as far as I'm concerned.

I'm starting look back on this 15 year relationship feeling very foolish!

yes, the grandmother/mummy thing is outrageous. I dont know what to suggest, the whole situation sounds so bad.
Can you talk about it with him, in a non confrontational sort of way?
Is there anyone whose opinion he respects, that you could talk to?

No - he's not mad keen on my parents as they live in the UK and he thinks him mum is somehow missing out.

He respects his mum's opinion. I might approach one of his close friends but I'm loathe to cause any trouble for him - he feels a bit lost in the UK as it is.

I read the child abuction website - makes very sobering reading.

I plan to ensure that ds is safe with me - I've spoken to dh this morning about ds who appears to me very stressed. He's just started nursery and need us to concentrate on him not our problems. He seemed to accept this which is good.

Ask him directly (but when ds is not about) why he is confusing ds by telling him to call you by the wrong name.

Is ds being brought up bilingual, btw?

Can you take steps to safeguard ds and still try to work out your differences with dh?

It sounds to me like there is nothing salvagable from your marriage. You say it would be bad for DS if you divorced at this stage - it will be a lot worse for him (and you) if you allow your DH to confuse him in this abusive way, just to get at you.

It sounds like you are trying to do everything to keep it together and I admire you for that. But honestly - where do you see this relationship going?

I really don't think your MIL has any rights whatsoever to live in your home whether your husband invites her or not. Please check with CAB though. I would try and get him to leave rather than you leave if at all possible but if you do leave you MUST take DS with you.