What should I bring to MIAM

[madamandthemartyr]

So I'm waiting to hear from ex's chosen mediator...I saw a mediator last week who agreed to write to him and offer an appointment. But he wants to go with his chosen agency so that's what's happening.

I have already had an initial appointment where I took along some printed records of text conversation, copies of letters etc and expressed my concerns. I'm assuming I should do the same if I need to have a further 'initial' appointment with his agency.

But for the actual mediation session- should I be bringing along my folder of relevant documents? (texts/emails/letters of support/my statement) or should I just bring along my proposal for care of DD?

It's all new to me, and Ex is slinging mud relentlessly, so I just want to be prepared, and would appreciate anyone's views/suggestions.

I would take the lot. And actually I've sent I've some stuff that I know will be relevant in advance (our second lot of mediation as after the first court order he found other things to be difficult about).

Example: he implied on the phone to the mediator he didn't see the point in it as our communication was fine, but I bother him about stuff unrelated so he ignores me. I made a spreadsheet with all our emails over the last year, their subject and what they contained, as well as if there was a reply. He'd sent only two (both to cancel), and had ignored 80% of mine, including some pertaining to health of the children. None were about anything but important info. The mediator has printed it and put it on file for when he tried to argue.

I am fully prepared with facts. I think that's key. Stay calm, stay factual. My ex likes to bang on about how terrible I am (fornicator, whore, etc.) and I reply with "that's not relevant, this is about the children". He also used to threaten me with full time custody etc. I've offered him anything up to 50/50 and he backs right off. Stay calm, refuse to get into arguments and just stick to short sentences that concentrate on the kids. My ex was very abusive and it infuriates him (which now he has no power I actually find amusing). Good luck!

Wow, you sound formidable, and great advice!

Thank you Brain, I was a bit wary of 'showing all my cards' - Ex is alleging drug use, and I have photos of them with known drug dealers etc... I don't like playing dirty

Photos etc would all be totally irrelevant if they would stop telling lies and trying to make out that I'm unfit 🤦‍♀️

I will stick to facts, write a timeline of events, with key dates, and make sure I have copies of all correspondence.

Keep it relevant to the children. That's what's important. So don't say "I know you use drugs, stop accusing me" you could say "I'm happy to submit to a drug test as I have never used. I am however concerned that the children could be at risk in your care due to drug abuse in the past. Could we both agree to regular tests for the benefit of the children?".

He might make out the photos are just mates, he doesn't know they use etc. It's really important to stay calm and not get upset or feel threatened. My ex did the same as yours (he's not on drugs just abusive and liked to sling mud). I was terrified to start with, and so nervous. I've now realised he's not got a leg to stand on as I always put my children first and it shows. He cares more about himself and that is obvious too.

Timeline and key events is helpful. And what you want to achieve. So this time I want better communication, not for him to ditch the kids last minute (if contact is an issue let's reduce it as I want stability), and a few kinks worked out with the way he does handover, refuses to take them to parties and hobbies etc. He's breached the last order a few times and I'm determined to show him he can't mess the children around without consequences.

I once offered to take a drug test to the judge and he just sighed and said it wouldn't be needed. It is all kind of funny looking back! Hard won experience pog! Wouldn't wish it on anyone