Issues with relationship with my mother

[tryintomovingon]

Hi, I've name changed for this.

So, a few details, I'm 30 and I'm disabled and because of this, live at home with my mother. It would be impossible for me to keep a home by myself due to my disorders.

Anyway, the issues have gone way back. My mother it seems has enmeshed herself into my life since I was a young child. She has never had a partner since I was born. Everything she did surrounded me in some way.

Over ten years ago I got very ill, it took a while to dx me, I have many complicated disabilities, basically all of my systems do not work in the way they should causing extreme pain, fatigue and other issues like blacking out.

In that time my friendship groups have faded away, as many with longterm illnesses understand. I got depression and anxiety.

Last year I sought therapy, I put in a lot of hard work and came away a lot better with my MH, I'm looking to start rebuilding my life.

The issue is, my mother.

If I want to do anything, she wants to come or be there. She doesn't do anything that isn't my idea. The other day I went to see a film, she said she had no interest in it, I went alone, but she said if I had chosen a different day she would have gone to get out. I said she could go out any time and she said that she has nothing she wants to do, she'll wait until I plan something we can do.

I have a lot of interests and things I like, she has none, never has really. If she does anything it will be something I have arranged and want to do and she comes along.

I want to have a close relationship with her, but I don't want it to be me and her everywhere I go. I like to be alone and do things by myself, I would also like to expand and possibly meet other people, but she doesn't want that, and if I were to say I don't want her to go to something, it would result in an argument.
Me saying to her that she could go out alone she took as an attack, it's often that way and we can't really have proper conversations as anything that discusses such things she takes as an attack.

I'm stuck as to what to do. I know a lot of people probably won't understand at all, but any help would be great, I feel in a different place mentally and am ready to build on that.

I think I understand, you sound really nice actually and I'm sure your mum is too but you have become entrenched in a way of life. For her it will be less easy to adjust to a different way of thinking but you can move forward positively. Just be tactful.

You must have time and space for yourself and develop your interests independently of your mother; at other times do things with her as you always have. Parents of children wth chronic illness often worry about what will happen to the child if they die - in time your mother may be relieved to see you being more independent but that's not going to happen overnight.

Well done you for getting yourself into a better placementally. Please don't lose that - build on it - and I hope you make some new friends too.

Thank you Bluerussian, that's very nice of you to say.

I'm trying to be tactful and not lead anything into arguments, it's a strange one as she really doesn't have interests, she'll enjoy whatever I arrange, but she has no impetus to do anything or arrange anything herself, and never has.

She sometimes takes anything I want to do without her as an insult, as in I don't want her there, and why, so it's just getting around that.

I have a list of things to do and achieve this year, I feel positive about it and just need to set about doing them regardless. It can just feel hard at times, and having a chat about anything can feel like pulling teeth, like when I suggest she look for things she might like to do as a little escape and she kind of takes it as an attack.

I just wanted to update a bit.

I'm still having the same issues. At heart it's just that our relationship is too entwined and extremely toxic now.

In January I went alone to see a film wanted to see. She had said she didn't have any desire to see it anyway, but at the time she made noises about me going alone.

After that I became ill and had other issues which meant I didn't go out at all for about a month.

Next week I have a ticket to see a show. It's sold out, and I could only get one ticket anyway. I'm going to see it and stay in a hotel so I'm not coming back late on my own.

I told her this morning and she reacted badly. First she said I was lying about there being no other tickets. The she said it wasn't safe for me to be out alone. I told her I'm a grown woman and could very well live there on my own. Then she threw that I went to a film on my own in my face and said 'and now this'.

I just want a healthy relationship where she would say 'that sounds like a nice thing for you to do' instead of it being all about her.

I don't know what to do. She has no other interests or anything of her own. Everything is latched onto me and I'm just tired of it. I told her this morning our relationship is toxic if she cannot allow me to go out and be OK with it, she doesn't want to hear it.

If I didn't have medical issues I would move out, I know this is the only way to really make a difference, but I can't. But I feel awful that I cannot have true independence.

I am sorry things are so difficult, OP. It sounds to me that your mother would have inserted herself too much into your life even if you weren't disabled.
Are you still able to access therapy? Now might be a good time to discuss this situation regarding your mother.
I wonder if some counselling would also help your mother to come to terms with your growing desire for independence. It's hard for many parents when their children fly the nest, and I imagine more so when you have been so enmeshed, and with your disability.
But you need to work out in therapy what the real problem is. Her happiness is not your responsibility.
Would it be possible for you to live independently with some support?
I have no answers, just throwing all that out there. Best wishes. I really feel for you 💐

It sounds to me that your mother would have inserted herself too much into your life even if you weren't disabled.

You are quite right, she would have and was. Before I was ill, she was always overly involved/protective. At school I wasn't allowed on school trips unless she was a chaperone, all kinds of things, so yes, this is true. But before at least I had more people in my life to take the edge off a bit.

I have finished my therapy now, however I am allowed back. On the whole my MH has improved a lot. I did start to bring up my issues with her, but didn't really feel ready.

I have suggested therapy to her many times, she said at the end of last year that she would look into it this year, almost March and still nothing.
I think she needs it greatly, has for years, for quite a few things, but she insists on being stuck as she is.

I know what you mean, but it always has felt her happiness depended on me. If anything happened to me, she would get too upset that would end up comforting her, so there were times I never told her things as it was too much to cope with both of us, IYKWIM.

I don't think assisted living would be any good for me. I don't think I'm eligible.

She does sound very difficult. I'm pleased your mental health is better, but some practical support in dealing with her now would be so useful.
This does sound like the problem is with her, not, you. Just in case you need that validation. It is very reasonable for you to want to do things independently.
If she's even slightly open to counselling, perhaps family counselling /mediation would be useful.
There is lots of useful information online - Google 'difficult mothers'. You'll be amazed at what comes up and you might find some of it really helpful x

Thank you Funkycats.

I don't know if this sounds right, but I really don't feel like the problem is me, I do feel it rests with her and how she has always just clung onto me.

I have looked up similar in the past, t's just so awkward because most of the advise is to put distance and boundaries, but I'm not capable of doing that.

Counselling, she has said she would think about it, but I think it's to get me to stop saying anything. She is unwilling to talk about anything, even this morning when I said her reaction wasn't right to me saying I was doing this, she said 'stop it now, you're the one going on about it.'
I know also when I've said I've spoken about something with my therapist, she said I shouldn't be bringing it up with a stranger.

I think I'm going to have to accept she is as she is and she's really not going to change at all.

I think in reacting how she does, it's her real feelings, but also, she thinks that will stop me doing other things if she makes a fuss. She's been in a bad mood all day now.

You're right, it isn't you. I'm glad you're clear on that. I'm sorry it's so difficult to distance yourself.
I thing all you can do is live your life the way you want to without seeking her approval, or giving her more ammunition information than is necessary. And try not to let it get to you if she gets upset. Must be very hard but she does sound as though for some reason she is very controlling.

Be kind to her!

She has built her whole world around you and will feel very distressed at any apparent 'rejection' from you.

She needs to know how much you love and appreciate everything she does for you. Once safely within that context, you can stress that your entire future relationship is in jeopardy if it carries on in the same codependent unhealthy way.

But be gentle for both your sakes; without being able to understand that what you are telling her is coming from a place of love, she is very unlikely to hear you and even then, you may need to say it more than once for it to sink in. Don't despair if it doesn't work on your first attempt.

As far as she is concerned she has only your best interests at heart and so is literally unable to see that there could be anything wrong with her behaviour. It will take some time and some processing on her part.

Good luck OP, you do sound lovely and I'm sure you can approach it so that she will really hear you in the end x

Good luck OP, you do sound lovely

Thank you, that's lovely of you to say.

Be kind to her!

I always am. I told her in a nice way. I've tried to help her into doing something of her own, or have interests of her own, she has no interest in bettering her position.

I am kind to her and I take her loads of places, I've been lucky in tickets and things I get, things I've got to go to and I've taken her, I have tickets to something special this year and she knows she's going to that, also theatre tickets.

I don't know, there's just resistance there, and I suppose there's not much to do, no magic wand or anything.

I tend to think that people come here to post after they have spent many years being kind to mothers like OP's. If being saying things gently and with kindness had worked, it would have been sorted already.
My experience is with my own mother, who is easily upset and offended, however hard I try. I spent many years trying to be a more perfect daughter, and ultimately ended up in therapy as whatever I did or said was not good enough. I maintain a relationship with her now by smiling benignly and letting the unpleasant comments wash over me, and changing the subject as fast as I can. It makes me sad as I'd love to be closer to her, but she makes it impossible. I care about her and that is why we maintain contact, but it is far from easy.
I apologise if I've projected my own experiences upon OP and her mother, but sadly, daughters taking on all the responsibility of being 'kind' when their parents are anything but, can be very damaging.

op u say you dont think you`d be elegible for assisted living etc. Have u actually looked into it at all?

whats the worst they can say? no? and then youve tried and it also sends a message to dm that you really do need space and will try to get it! also shows youre able to pull on your big girl pants and act like a responsible adult as you are. dm won`t like it and will stamp her feet. tough!

Being kind isn't going to solve your issues. It will perpetuate them. This will only get worse as your DM gets older, frailer and more dependant. She'll start playing the 'age' card then and it will become even harder to change her mindset and have any semblance of independence.
Her feelings do not trump yours. I don't know what the answer is. Ignoring emotional blackmail and moving out is your only option IMO, if there's any way at all you can make that happen.

As someone with a disability you are specifically vulnerable in this situation.
Do you have a social worker?

Perhaps ask a disability support/campaign group for advice. Your disability is potentially trapping you to live with someone who is not supporting you with fully living independently.

I'm expressing it clumsily, sorry!

*As someone with a disability you are specifically vulnerable in this situation.
Do you have a social worker?

Perhaps ask a disability support/campaign group for advice. Your disability is potentially trapping you to live with someone who is not supporting you with fully living independently.

I'm expressing it clumsily, sorry!*

No you're not, I understand it, it's not clumsy!

I have asked for support but it's not really there, so many things around here have been stripped to the bone, so it's hard to access help, the same with disability charities, I seem to fall into a strange area where it's next to two areas that are covered, but where I live isn't.

op u say you dont think you`d be elegible for assisted living etc. Have u actually looked into it at all?

I have asked a few years ago and was turned down.

Being kind isn't going to solve your issues. It will perpetuate them. This will only get worse as your DM gets older, frailer and more dependant. She'll start playing the 'age' card then and it will become even harder to change her mindset and have any semblance of independence.

This is my worry, that it's becoming too late in the day now to make much of a change. She even says she's older now, what's the point in trying new things. I don't know, it just seems so hard, and I'm wishing I had have stamped it out earlier and broken away, but I was always worried about upsetting her. Now we're both older and it feels too hard.

Well I'm 50 and live on the other side of the country from mine, and believe me you need to make as much change as you are able.

I think OP you need to move out! Being nice as youve been is just allowing and enabling your mum to stay the same! and youre being trapped by her.

chase up moving out etc. Tell whoever why and your mum`s behaviour .

I know someone who had an accident 10 yrs ago. has been paralysed waist down since.

he lives alone happily with his dog lol. Doesn`t have suffocating mummy.