Noooo! How have you coped when someone looks like your mean ex?

[Interestedwoman]

I applied to go on a little course. I'm already expecting this course to be stretching for me in some ways. I went along to the interview, and the interviewer (who I'm assuming, though I'd love to be wrong, is going to be the course tutor) looked a bit like an ex, a relationship that ended badly. I did fairly ok in the interview but it was difficult. Firstly it was an interview. Secondly, quite a high pressure interview, which I wasn't expecting it to be. Thirdly, I was being interviewed by a guy who looked quite like a guy who hurt me in a way that effected me quite badly at the time. (He's not attractive at all, it's not about that, the ex was an old friend I ended up with for various reasons, who I would never have picked based on looks.)

It effected me quite badly for a couple of days, I'd got all worked up about this stressful interview, crying etc, it took me a while to realise that part of it was he looked like my ex who was unpleasant to me.

I'm doing the Freedom Programme (mostly out of interest, although a lot of men I've been with have had one or two nasty behaviours.) I mentioned that I'd had this happen and one of the women understood straight away. She said that if she sees anyone who looks like her ex (for her, it was especially if she was drunk) she finds it terrifying.

I fear that I will have to see this guy 4 hours a week for 7.5 months! And take his direction. Of course, I hope I'm wrong and someone else is the tutor.

Also, the problem is I had this happen once before, about a different past acquaintance, who effected me deeply, and that time I was right about the man and his look alike being similar- in fact, the guy who looked like him turned out to be even worse!

So, have you been in a similar situation and how did you cope?

I do have stuff I am doing for various things, which is therapy (including EMDR) which I'm sure will be helpful with this, but I wanted your experiences, hints and tips. Hope you can help. Thanks.

Spending time around this person, who may look similar but is not the person who hurt you, may help you overcome these fears. Which would be a good thing.

True lol, thanks. I'm hoping that if it's not under interview conditions, I'll just be able to feel/say 'oh he looks a bit like X' and that's as far as it goes.

I had this with someone I worked with; the way he spoke and something I couldn’t put my finger on reminded me of my abusive ex. I found it quite anxiety provoking to be around him and it made me realise I wasn’t quite as recovered as I’d previously thought.
I would try to focus on all the differences and actually as I got to know him better it helped as I could see more of these.

Hopefully he will be really nice and you'll stop associating him with your ex. It sounds like you may have PTSD?

I work with someone who has my ex husbands eyes and freaks me out but I absolutely put it to the back of my mind and it’s got better over the two years we have worked together. I told him as I didn’t want to think I was staring at him weirdly at first!

I agree PPs, if I focus on the differences I might get over it more easily, thanks.

@Franwith2ans1 I don't think it'd be a good move to tell him, as the course has continued assessment of whether we're suitable to be on it. It's a counselling course, so (and it genuinely is like this unfortunately, although it seems slightly wrong I know) they don't want people on it who seem to have major 'issues.'

@Musti 'Hopefully he will be really nice and you'll stop associating him with your ex. It sounds like you may have PTSD?'

IDK if I actually have PTSD/CPTSD, I didn't score highly on a screening for that, but I do have some issues with memories and how they effect my current feelings.

There are many memories and they're mostly about rejection, people not liking my face, and times when I've fucked up socially. I have a diagnosis of ADHD with autistic features, which I only got diagnosed with in the last year or so (am in my early 40s.) Because I have autistic features I've always found that I get bullied, rejected etc, or I do the wrong thing and then berate myself for cocking up. I have dyspraxia I think, and was called stupid by my dad if I accidentally dropped a jar of coffee, or whatever. He was the mentally ill/irritable and tantrumy male we read about so often on these boards. I think having to walk on egg shells for yeara is part of why I suffer from anxiety, especially around others.

I have ridiculously low self esteem due to these experiences, and go into interactions with others with a great deal of anxiety. In recent months I've developed more of a complex about rejection etc. I've started to think I've suffered enough, life's too hard for me, I fail so often, and to expect to eventually lose friends when I'm in a friendship. Hey ho, all I can do is work on it, which I'm doing.

He was the mentally ill/irritable and tantrumy male we read about so often on these boards. I think having to walk on egg shells for yeara is part of why I suffer from anxiety, especially around others.

I hear you!

I think you've learned as a child to adapt to your environment, and you're carrying that survival tactic into your adulthood.

A new guy started where I work, who is the image of my XH. he even mumbles when he talks, just like XH (who always complained that people kept asking him to repeat himself, but wouldn't speak up).

I was very wary of him at first. But now we've worked together for a couple of years and I know him 'past' his outward appearance, if you see what I mean, and he's nothing like the ex. We are actually now quite good mates and I don't really notice his looks any more.

'I think you've learned as a child to adapt to your environment, and you're carrying that survival tactic into your adulthood.'

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation could you explain that a bit more to me please?

Do you mean it means I'm wary of some people, or that it's why I put up with a meanie (who also had a temper) and liked him for quite a while? Or something else?