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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm broken

28 replies

poppysnow · 17/01/2020 00:38

I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I have completely destroyed my relationship. I can’t seem to accept it’s over. It was me that ended it but now living with sheer regret. I’ll give every little detail I possibly can. It’s long though

I met my boyfriend October 2018 on a FB group. It was constant all day, sometimes we stayed up until 4am either messaging or on call. After 6 weeks, he asked to come visit me. We live 400 miles apart. He came to me in December 2018 for 3 days. We stayed at an air bnb. It was amazing. We both had the best time. At Christmas “18” he told me he had fell in love with me. It was mutual. We entered a relationship. At least once a month we arranged to see each other. Sometimes it was 6weeks between visits, with my shift work and his Min-Fri job, we both have kids too. We alternated, I’d go to him, he’d come to me. But we kept getting air bnb’s as he was living with a family member due to his ongoing divorce (his family didn’t know a thing about me) and I had my children at home being cared for by family (he didn’t meet my kids until 7months down the line). I found out in June19 that a week after we lay in bed (dec18) and told me he loved me he had slept with his “friend”. I was devastated, decided it was before we were “official” so was willing to forgive. The next time I seen him we went away for the weekend. I came home and felt I couldn’t let go of what happened. So I ended it. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. After a few weeks I decided to try again, I was prepared to move myself and kids 400miles away to another country to be with him in Dec19. I then found out, days after I ended it he was seeing another girl but had it ended it with her for me. We weren’t together so didn’t feel like I had anything to forgive, but it did hurt me. Unfortunately the end of Oct I miscarriaged at 15weeks. We were devastated. We pushed back us moving until Feb2020. Everything was amazing with us both. We had Christmas together with the kids at his new house. The day we were leaving to come home I found a calendar that had pictures of the girl he slept with at the start of our relationship. It was of her in underwear, some funny pics, some pretty suggestive. It was on his wall. He had only just moved in. He was due to come away with me and my family for new year. But the day before I ended it with him because I couldn’t stop thinking of this girl. He blocked me off everything. Told me I hurt him by finishing with him. I feel I acted to quickly with finishing with him rather than having a proper conversation. I’ve asked to see him to talk things through, give it another chance. He says he isn’t sure because I just finish with him without speaking properly, he says I’m so guarded it’s almost impossible to read me most of the times. I shut down very quickly. But this time, I can’t just shut off how I feel. I feel a huge part of me has gone. We were due to go away today for his birthday to Iceland. I was due to be moving to a different country in 4 weeks. I was due to be having our baby in 11weeks. I feel so lost alone and rejected. I don’t know what to do 😔

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 17/01/2020 00:59

He sounds like a complete dickhead. Sorry OP...but he was seeing loads of people as well as you...possibly he was still with someone the whole time he was living with a family member...and then he's got a calendar of his ex squeeze on his wall!??

You're 100% better off without him.

Windmillwhirl · 17/01/2020 01:08

He cheated on you, he has his ex on a calendar on the wall.

You need to take off the rose-tinted glasses.

You ended it for a reason. Moving your family to him would have been a massive big deal and I think your gut was telling you to tread carefully.

You really don't trust him, do you?

Dan3007 · 17/01/2020 01:51

I'm in a slightly similar situation. I ended my relationship just after Christmas because he was messaging another woman. I'd ask 3 weeks prior about her and he played dumb.
Then it was ME who wanted to sort things out but he wasn't interested.
I think,like myself,you are only seeing the illusion of what you desperately wanted.The new start with your new family. You are justifying his actions & beating yourself up because its ended. Stop thinking about what ifs for a second and lets just stick to the facts......you met in Oct so by December he would be sure about your relationship. But he told you he loved you THEN slept with another woman!!!! Another fact.....he has the same womans pictures in his new home!!!

You have had a very lucky escape. It doesn't seem like it now because you are clinging to the dream that's in your mind of what you wanted life to be like.
You dont need a man like that in tour life and certainly not in tour kids lives.

wakemewhenitsallover · 17/01/2020 02:48

You've had a lucky escape, but your emotions haven't caught up with that yet.

Be kind to yourself, and trust this well get MUCH better in time.

But this is the hard part, right now. You need to do stuff to distract yourself.

Can you arrange to see friends and family, to keep your mind off him? Do some nice stuff with your DC. Maybe plan a holiday with your DC and some family or friends for the summer so you have something to look forward to? (NOT Iceland! Or anywhere else in any way connected to him!)

At some point you will look back and think - that fuck I didn't end up with him! I promise you.

FlowerArranger · 17/01/2020 04:00

I was prepared to move myself and kids 400miles away to another country to be with him in.

Quite apart from the fact that you have clearly dodged a bullet, I find it very concerning that you were prepared to disrupt your children's life so fundamentally for a boyfriend you'd 'known' only a year. I say 'known' because you couldn't possibly have truly known him, given you are living so far apart.

How could this possibly have been in your children's best interests? And what about their dad? You can't just remove them to a different country if you share parental responsibility.

Menora · 17/01/2020 04:10

I agree with FlowerArranger

This sounds like you had a lucky escape and that it was never really very real. You were willing to uproot your children for a man who can’t stay faithful who you don’t really trust? You think you knew him. You don’t. You can rebuild but you are grieving for the fantasy of what you have lost and your baby loss. I think you should speak to a baby loss charity perhaps you can get some support as you are feeling so fragile. Honestly you are well shot of this man

poppysnow · 17/01/2020 05:57

Flower arranger,

it was because we were going to be having a child together. It made sense. He can't leave his current job without changing his career or move away from his child. I can do my job anywhere. My children's dad was ok with this, we have a great relationship. I obviously discussed it with him before making the decision. He wants me to be happy and understood why. The time distance from my house to my ex's house is 2hrs door-to-door, the flights are relatively cheap, we can afford them, we all have well paid jobs. So they could still see their dad every other weekend and holidays like we currently have in place.xx

OP posts:
category12 · 17/01/2020 06:03

I'm sorry for your loss.

But ending the relationship is a good thing - you'd be crazy to move in with this guy.

Scarsthelot · 17/01/2020 07:02

2 hours door including getting ro the airport for check in? Security? Wait for flight, flight and the crap at the end then travelling from airport to their dads house?

This is another country?

OP, what job does he have that he cant do anywhere else, he cant leave his child but you can uproot yours? You knew him barely anytime before you made that decision.

I get you were pregnant, but that's not fair on the kids you already had. Moving them because he couldnt move, because of his own child. Moving so their half sibling is close to their dad, while their own dad is a flight away?

Honestly, he sounds like a prick. I cant believe someone would convince someone to move their children, while knowing they treating the person like shit.

You dodged a bullet. You mat need som support. But you are better off

BillHadersNewWife · 17/01/2020 07:05

OP he's not a good man. You don't need a man like that in your children's lives.

Tiredemma · 17/01/2020 07:12

You have dodged a bullet there. He sounds like a complete dickhead

RJnomore1 · 17/01/2020 07:13

Omg what a lucky escape you have had.

I’m very sorry about your baby though.

Improvementsunderway · 17/01/2020 07:19

Im really sorry you're going through all these things. But completely agree with others. You dodged a bullet. No loving commited partner would put a calendar of their ex up in their new place. He seems like he had a few people (women) at hand while u were 400 miles away amd kept u rather hidden from his circle. (Hate to think of what you might not know). You didnt make a rush decision, its ok to feel insecure, sad, shook up by how all your future plans are gonna change, but dont double guess urself. You did the right thing, the fact he is refusing to talk now and not allowing you to express urself is him punishin you and havin a strop. Be glad you are free to find true happiness and an oportunity to find someone who really will put u first.

ChasingRainbows19 · 17/01/2020 07:20

I have a feeling you want people to tell you to encourage him to try again. But reread your post and think of it as a close friend or sister. How would you advise them?

It doesn't sound great, he doesn't sound great. You are mourning your plans and baby fair enough but how well did you really know him? Please don't move your children if you get back with him.

notthisshitagain · 17/01/2020 07:27

You were going to uproot your kids and move them 400 miles to a man they'd met a handful of times over 5 months?

Pregnant by him or not, that's beyond ridiculous. His circumstances don't trump the stability and needs of your kids.

Keep away from him. All of you.

RosieCockle · 17/01/2020 07:34

Everyone here is telling you the same thing. Listen to them...

namechange1041 · 17/01/2020 07:36

Sorry for your loss OP.
Please don't move yourself and your kids 400 miles away to be with this cock! You will regret it.
It wouldn't surprise me if he has been seeing the OW the whole time.
He is already trying to manipulate you by saying you've hurt him by finishing it. He's the one who has hurt you by sleeping with the OW!
Do yourself a favour and cut all contact from him he sounds like a grade A twat.

Musti · 17/01/2020 07:50

The man is a cheat, again and again and you keep overlooking/forgiving him. You don't know him and what you find out about him is lies and other women. I'm sorry for your loss but don't ever have anything more to do with this man.

Bluerussian · 17/01/2020 07:57

Please draw a line under this relationship, he is not good for you.
Flowers

poppysnow · 17/01/2020 08:05

Yes it was 2hrs door to door. Domestic flight within the Uk. We both live within 10mins of airports. His job is a managing director of a large company. He worked his way to it and if he was to do the same job elsewhere he’d need to go to University for certain degrees. I’m a paramedic, I can work anywhere in the world. I think I am wanting people to tell me to encourage him but at the same time I know I’d be crazy to go back there. Would just be toxic? I think I’m just struggling to adjust to the not speaking to him, not having someone there to go vent to after a long day at work. My break up with my kids dad was no where near as painful as this, that was a 14 year relationship with a mutual clean cut break up. I need to try and distract myself and stop craving his attention I suppose 😒

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/01/2020 08:12

Relationships like this are based on love they are based on addiction. The thrill of it all the travel etc the constant talk. First love over again. There was no deep basis for this though just escapism for you from the daily grind.

First off sorry for your loss I think you need time to grieve the loss and maybe access counselling

MorrisZapp · 17/01/2020 08:21

Sorry to focus on an irrelevant detail but it simply isn't possible to live two hours from anything involving a flight. It just isn't.

You obviously know its mental to move your kids hundreds of miles away to live with a man you and they barely know. This whole thing is built on dreams and not reality. The calendar thing is just weird, he's not even trying to look or behave like a family man.

Notcoolmum · 17/01/2020 08:28

Sorry for the loss of your baby.

I don't understand the point about 2 hours door to door and saying it's an internal flight but also you were moving to another country.

I think it would have been very unwise to uproot your children and be dependent on a man you don't really know.

It sounds like the other woman is not his ex and he has been seeing her all along. Would he have asked you to move in with him if you hadn't been pregnant?

Deathgrip · 17/01/2020 08:33

Honestly OP, you barely know him. You only know what he’s wanted you to know. You haven’t had the opportunity to see much of the negatives and yet you still know that he’s been sleeping around, hanging semi naked calendar of his ex on the wall of his new house knowing you were coming. What you do know isn’t good. It would have been far worse had you moved to him and uprooted your children.

The problem is that you don’t know all those negative things to reassure you that you’ve done the right thing. It’s an idealised relationship in your head. You’ve made excuses for his behaviour to justify things because you want it to work - understandable but not realistic.

Deathgrip · 17/01/2020 08:34

I assume she means that she lives in England and was moving to Scotland, for example.

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