Would this be classed as rape?

[Coffeetime989]

I left exH three years ago, and I'm trying to finally process and deal with things that happened during our marriage.

I've always had really bad panic attacks and sometimes they'd happen during sex. He'd refuse to stop even if I begged and then complain that I'd made him have to hold me down to finish. I'd feel so worthless after, and I think it was a vicious cycle because I was so worried I'd panic and upset him that it made me more anxious. I remember feeling like he'd just nag me until I agreed to have sex then lying there desperately trying to fight the rising panic. He never physically forced me, but I didn't feel like I had a choice.

I'd never really thought about it in terms of rape until I recently told a friend and she was horrified. I still don't know if it really counts, but I can't shake the memory now.

Yes OP, that is rape. Unless both parties are willing, wanting and active then it's rape. I'm sorry he did this to you OP. Be kind to yourself as you work through everything

Yes, I would say that is definitely rape. What a horrible experience for you. I hope you are recovering.

Yes, thats definitely rape. How horrible for you

Yes. Absolutely disgusting behaviour what a low life of a man.

I’m sorry you went through that Op, I hope you have found or find soon someone who treats you with love, respect and decency

It is rape and I’m so sorry. I had similar but without the holding me down. It took me years to realise it

Yes, it was rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Yes he raped you I'm so sorry that happened to you.

(Btw holding you down to 'finish' is physically forcing you).

Consent isn't a one-off thing that you give, it's ongoing and you can change your mind at any time, even during sex, and the other person must respect that. If they don't, it's rape. So sorry this happened to you, I hope you can get the support you need.

Thank you for the replies, at the time I'd convinced myself it was completely normal and all my fault for not being able to control my panic better and upsetting him.

It's the holding down I'm particularly struggling with the memory of, just how trapped it made me feel on top of the panic making me feel like I couldn't breathe. I hadn't thought about any of it in quite some time and I don't know what triggered the memory but now it's haunting me.

Yes this his rape if you begged him to stop and he could see you weren’t enjoying it

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. You're allowed to change your mind at any point before or during sex. If you tell someone to stop and they won't, then it is.

I'm so glad you've gotten out of this horrific relationship. Sending you all my love

Yes, he raped you. Do speak to Rape Crisis.

I'm sorry, that is definitely rape. And holding you down to rape you is physical force. I think panicking was a pretty normal response to being repeatedly raped by someone who should have loved and cherished you.

I had similar with my ex husband. He was a sex addict and I often woke to him having sex with me. I'd try and struggle to push him off but he kept going until he'd had his fill of it. He would grope me at any time even with my curled into a little ball trying to keep his hands off me, and then graduated to physically kicking me out of bed so he could watch porn, or occasionally would make me sleep on the floor with no blankets to further humiliate me. I was nothing more than meat to him, and even now sex makes me quake with fear. I was molested as a child and the experience of living with someone who thinks of sex as their god given right has put me off it completely. My psychiatrist has told me to contact a local rape charity but I feel queasy thinking of reliving all the tiny details, so I've just shut down completely. I understand where you're coming from.

@Katiegeorgia1979

That is HANDS DOWN one of the very worst things I have read on here. Please start a new thread if you can. I've been raped but largely my abuse was if the mind and the spirit. I am so sorry

OP Has others have said, its rape. Well done for getting out. Do you have children with this monster?

That's horrible op. And yes it is rape.

@Katiegeorgia1979 I feel the same about the thought of sex, just panic and fear. I’m almost afraid to try to talk or think about it too much too, because then I’ll have to deal with it. But I know I need to really.

I hadn’t really counted him holding me down as force but I can see how it is. I used to apologise to him that he'd had to, which seems so stupid now that I didn't see it for what it was.

We have two children but he’s not very involved with them. Which does make me sad for them but it’s also a bit of a relief if I’m honest, I think they’re better off this way. I wouldn’t block them from seeing him but I suppose I don’t chase him for it either.

' then complain that I'd made him have to hold me down to finish.'

OMFG. This is forcible rape.

'He never physically forced me.'

The above is physically forcing you/violent rape. He held you down so you couldn't move! You could report him. Even if it doesn't get anywhere it'd stay on file about him. He'll probably have done and will do this to other women. :(

'at the time I'd convinced myself it was completely normal and all my fault for not being able to control my panic better and upsetting him.'

I'm so sorry you felt this way. :( This means that he was emotionally/psychologically abusive, blaming you for stuff that wasn't your fault, trying to guilt trip you, making you feel bad sbout yourself.

'I’m almost afraid to try to talk or think about it too much too, because then I’ll have to deal with it. But I know I need to really.'

It'd do you good to see a therapist to work through this.

So sorry you experienced all this abuse. Hugs. xxxxx

This is rape, pure and simple. I’m so sorry.