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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get my 'ducks in a row'?

3 replies

changeling2020 · 16/01/2020 17:36

I think my relationship is over. I'm unhappy and can't see how anything can change that will make things better.

My DP is not affectionate or thoughtful towards me at all. We haven't had sex in around three years and it was sporadic before that. He sleeps all day, has to be nagged to pay his share of our outgoings into the joint account and doesn't do much around the house.

I've been off work for 6 months following some weeks in intensive care in the summer and he seems to just expect me to do ALL the cooking and cleaning and household stuff, even though from 2017 to June 2019, he didn't work or pay any money at all to mortgage or bills, nor did he do more housework to make up for it. He just played computer games in the middle of the night and slept all day.

I had a meeting to discuss my return to work on Tuesday, which he knew about, and is also visible on the wall calendar. He hasn't asked me how it went, or what was discussed. He never asks me anything about how I spend my days while he's asleep. I just feel like I'm here to pay 2/3 of the bills, cook the evening meal and keep the house clean. We don't have kids and are not married.

We are both on the mortgage, 50/50. He put down a big deposit, but I have paid for new windows, new boiler, any new furniture or appliance we needed, as well as covering mortgage and bills for the two years he wasn't contributing. I could afford to live here on my own, but I don't have enough to pay back the deposit and his share of equity. He can't afford to live here on his own.

I don't quite know what to do next. Do I get advice from a solicitor about selling the house and how to fairly split the proceeds? Should I do that before I tell him I don't want to be with him any more? Is there anything else I need to consider?

Thanks, and sorry it's long!

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 16/01/2020 18:17

Given no marriage or kids then yes, worth a couple of hundred for some legal advice and talk to a mortgage advisor about options for taking him off the deeds. Could you raise the money to buy him out without selling in any other way? Increase the mortgage?

EKGEMS · 17/01/2020 00:13

Serve him his favorite meal seasoned with arsenic; or you can divorce the lazy shit and have a happy future without the deadweight dragging you down

katy1213 · 17/01/2020 00:48

Heavens, yes, walk away if you have no children - and some basic legal advice might be a good idea. You need to work out a formula that shares the equity proportionally to the amount you put in, allowing for the fact that he has made no contributions for two years. I'd do this before you break the news to him so you can serve him with 'this is what's happening' and no discussion.
Meanwhile stop providing cooking/laundry/other services. Do NOT get sentimental about what he does next; that's his problem.
Any furniture or goods (not built-in) that you paid for are your own.
Congratulations for seeing the light in time! You're well rid of this one.

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