How to stop being the scapegoat

[scapegoatgurrrrl]

NC for this thread. I've been on Mumsnet about a year, can't believe I didn't know about it before then ( mid 30's!! )

Over the last couple of years I have come to understand what being a scapegoat means. Again, never heard the term until an incident happened and I realised that I have been my family's scapegoat my entire life and have subsequently gone NC with my entire family/extended family over the last couple of years. A tremendously painful time for me but I felt I had no other choice as I point blank refuse to accept bullying behaviour any longer.
My issue now though is that I seem to always be made scapegoat in every situation. Friendship groups, work, in laws... the lot!! This is despite intense therapy, numerous self help books, research on boundaries and consciously trying to implement them in situations I feel need them. I just always end up being ganged up on for some reason.
I do hate a hypocrite and really struggle not to call people out on this. For example if a friend is slagging off another friend for being two faced, I would have to tell the friend they are guilty of the exact behaviour they are complaining about. I just cannot be fake, but does this mean I have to be fake throughout life just so I stop being the scapegoat? That seems a pretty crap compromise and totally against who I am.
I do have individual friends who are decent people, but when it comes to groups I always seem to get singled out.
I have young children who I don't want to learn from my subconscious behaviour and go on to copy me and become scapegoats themselves, I want them to enjoy life without this burden I seem to have ingrained in me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No advice per se. With choosing to go NC and all the changes and ramifications of that - do you have support? Have you considered therapy/counselling, so that you are self caring?

Have you done any group therapy OP? It might help you to see how you unconsciously act out in groups to take on the scapegoat role.

You could also modify some of your behaviour. Scapegoats are often the family truth tellers and it seems you are carrying this into friendships and perhaps, other relationships. People don't like 'truthtellers' so much.

You may be inadvertently re creating the same role for yourself over and over. You may be drawn to people with narcissistic tendencies because it feels comfortable. You may not be very good at looking after yourself and spotting these types early and endeavouring to keep away from them.

I don't necessarily think being honest/authentic with people and then they, presumably, treat you badly is the same as being the family scapegoat. I think it may be that you have discovered your voice and assertiveness and are now realising that some people can't handle that.

I am the same and can find group situations difficult as there is so much fake or two-faced behaviour that I can't bring myself to join in with. For that reason I cherish my few, real, honest friendships and tend to see people one on one rather than in groups.

Do you think you might be subconsciously seeking fruend/group dynamics in which you are put in that role?

Additionally, do you think you might have colleagues or friends of friends "trying you out" to take the piss - and that you people please, which encourages them to carry on?

Thank you for your replies. I was having therapy but stopped after around 8 months as I felt I was living in the past, I was beginning to find it quite triggering so made the decision to draw a line and move on. I had talking therapy, NLP, EMDR and CBT so gave it a good shot! I haven't had group therapy, maybe something to consider.
I definitely attract and am drawn to narcissistic types, drives me mad I cannot trust my judgement at all. Even after all my recovery work over the last 2 years I still can't spot them...!
I understand that people don't like a truth teller, it just sucks that to get on in life you have to be fake and kiss arse. Just not me at all. Maybe I am destined to live life on the sidelines, watching on as others congregate in their masses of fakeness.
I do have support but feel sad that I just seem to have one of those faces that never fits.
There is a pattern that very soon after calling out someone on their bullshit their circle of people will start to discard me, one by one. Until I am ousted from that group. It hurts as I am always the one to stand up for the underdog, then the underdog always sides with the majority and discards me aswell! Humans are unbelievable hey!

OP I get it. You're doing what you can to face this head on. You're working hard. I understand.

It might be an idea to do the group therapy. Therapy can be triggering yes, but it may help you become more aware of your patterns and how they come about.

I said 'modify' your behaviour, not change. You are you and, rightly so. The world needs truth tellers, the problem is, they make others uncomfortable. If you're a human rights activist, knock yourself out. If you're in a mother and baby group, you might get side eye and told to mind your own. Do you see what I mean?

People need a scapegoat. They are handy ways of feeling better about yourself and bonding with others. As soon as one scapegoat is gone, they'll find another. Society has scapegoats, immigrants stealing our jobs for example. When immigrants can't be blamed it's something or someone else.

Learn to modify your behaviour so you don't become a target of dysfunctional bullies. You will be drawn to narcissists because even though they are damaging, they are very familiar to you. You need to take one step forward and two back when it comes to relationships. Take it very slow and withdraw when signs of narcissistic and abusive behaviour reveal themselves.

Would you mind giving a few examples of calling people out?

Of course rantyanty.
For example, a friend was saying to me that I could trust her and that she would have my back about something. I replied to her that she slags off another girl in the group whilst being nice to her face, so how could I trust she wasn't doing the same to me. This was all done face to face and I was genuinely asking why I was different to this other girl? Since then I've been ousted by all the girls in this group, one by one, slowly but surely.
Another instance, I was put in a position where I had to look after an elderly relative, a huge amount of pressure and I really wasn't the best person to do the lions share of the caring ( not close to relative, full time job... ) all other members of the family said to me if ever I needed a break, any help etc as elderly relative could be incredibly hard work/rude then to just ask. I did ask for help and asked the family members why they weren't pulling their weight and leaving it all down to me... they all ganged up and turned against me, all giving reasons why they couldn't do the caring and how unreasonable I was to even mention it. I've been a pariah ever since.

Kbm, thank you for your response. That makes so much sense. I think I sometimes feel I'm the only person in the world that gets scapegoated, as it happens so frequently. But of course society always has one... what you said about immigration really struck a chord with me.
I guess I'll never be able to change the way society operates, I just wish there was a foolproof way of protecting myself from bullies indefinitely!

It's no problem.

Those two examples you gave are just perfect to illustrate this. I understand why you were questioning how you could trust the woman when you could see clearly from her behaviour, that she couldn't be trusted. However, did you need to say that to her?

It was obvious from her behaviour that she couldn't be trusted and really that's enough to back off and withdraw. She was obviously toxic. The fact you got involved with that group, shows how you're not quite there with protecting yourself and seeing the glaring signs that spelled out 'toxic environment - withdraw!'

The second example is others ganging up on you to feel better about themselves and their own behaviour. Of course they are in the wrong but you called them out on it and their only alternative is to point the finger at you. Decent people would have stepped up, probably without you having to ask. Family who make you a 'pariah' are not loving or kind or going to help when asked. Again, (and I'm not pointing the finger at you, just asking you to reflect) I doubt this was without precedent.

The way of protecting yourself is to withdraw when you see toxic behaviour. A group that have already scapegoated someone, are going to be dysfunctional. They are not going to be kind or forgiving or compassionate or gentle when can be so cruel to others. Just run and don't look back.

Your tolerance for bad behaviour is too high. I'm sure you're lovely but I think you aren't seeing the signs early enough, perhaps because you are used to them or they seem 'normal' to you when they are red flags for others.

Lovely people with poor boundaries and high tolerance for bad behaviour get used and abused and discarded. They get used to make others feel better about themselves, they get used for a listening ear never get the same back, get used to babysit and make up numbers on nights out but they are never respected.

Wow KBM that last paragraph! Eeek that hit home, all of what you said. My god!
I've started losing "friends" over the last couple of years, which has really hurt. However, I now understand it's since I've started setting boundaries and saying no that these people have dropped like flies. I can't believe I've been used for so long by so many people, unreal!
I think maybe I've been getting a bit angry at this treatment and instead of walking away like you said I've been standing up for myself and instead confronting people on their bad behaviour.
I will make a conscious effort to just take note and keep schtum in future.

Thank you so much for your advise this evening! You have helped more than you could ever know.

Yay me! Glad to have helped.

In my experience, when coming out of a toxic family setting and trying to clean it all up we need to redraw everything.
So you may be truth telling as said up thread. Or you may be taking on the world as though it/they/truth is your responsibility. It is not. You are your responsibility. And that is really what having boundaries are all about. Not simply saying no but also know when to when to let things go, when to say nothing and when to speak up. It takes many many years to learn and you are starting a bit late. .
It has been my life experience that most people are alright. Beware of cynicism and self alienation.

*boundaries is

OP I would encourage you to ask yourself (a) what outcome you want from a situation, and (b) what you should do that would be most likely to get you that outcome.

I am also a truth teller by nature and folk hate it. Their responses to this aspect of my personality absolutely exhaust and demoralise me. I get where you are coming from.

However I have learned that "telling the truth" is not always the best way to get the outcome I want. So I now recognise it for what it is - just one tool in a large toolbox - and I strive to only use it when it will get the outcome I want.

E.g. with your friend being two faced. What did you want to have happen in that interaction?

Perhaps you wanted to trust her, and were genuinely asking her to explain what was different about you. If so -

Do you think that by asking her, she would respond with the truth?
I mean... she's already shown you she is two faced. You've seen clear evidence. So why ask that two-faced person to be honest with you? It was a fool's errand and marked you as naive at best.

In fact the better approach will have been to use the evidence you already have, to make a judgement on her honesty, and then treat her accordingly - i.e. just kept your distance, and your peace. In this way you do right by yourself and don't give the liar more of an opportunity to lie and dissimulate and later tear you down in the way you should have predicted she would.

You effectively walked up to a person who likes to tears others down, and gave her an invitation to tear YOU down. That wasn't what you intended, but the behaviour you chose got you that outcome.

Are you a person who believe that "truth telling" in and of itself is virtuous and therefore has to be the best course of action in all situations, regardless of the nuances? If so, you might want to examine that assumption and ask yourself whether it is actually serving you, or in fact giving others power over you when you don't intend it.

You have the power to exercise judgement in how you use your honesty. Honesty and assertiveness will not always get you what you desire from a situation.

I was the golden child of my family. My sister was the scapegoat.

As adults, we've broken free of our dysfunctional upbringing and are both NC with parents.

In a way, the scapegoat can have it easier IF they choose to not try to "win" the love of the family/others. Or to put it another way, it's way easier to not give a shit about others' opinions of you when you've never had their respect anyway.

As the golden child, there is a huge amount of pressure to "set an example" and a lot of triangulation attempts to get the GC to bring the SG "into line".

As women, particularly, we are expected to be "nice" and not state our needs, and put our needs after literally everyone else.

Fuck that.

I would suggest from what you've said about your friendships is that you've become "friends" with people who you only have superficial things in common - e.g. children same age, went to school/uni together, etc.

Finding friends who are actually on the same wavelength and have the same values around friendships is difficult, but rewarding.

12345kbm

Brilliant response above. Cannot fault. I'll add my 2p.

Ok, first off, well done for seeing you are the scapegoat. My family nickname is 'Old Goat' Bro does this.

I'm a bit concerned when you say, 'keep schtumn'. Nah, you dont do this. Neither do you challenge either. You walk away.

Unhealthy female friendship groups almost always have a narc female at their helm. There may even be a couple. You'll see them because they will be the frequent clashers. This is because they are each trying to draw narc supply, fuel, from each other. They might do this dance several times before one or both disengages.

People falling away is a sure sign you've been smeared. Almost impossible to fight it so dont. Keep quiet on this unless you are approached by someone who you percieve as genuine. Calmly state your side then leave it. Do not engage in tit for that, however angry you are. Stick to facts.

Bottom line; you need different friends. Would one of these circles be school mums by any chance?

Thank you all so so much for the responses. I am reading then I just haven't had a hand free to reply until now and am worried I will forget to respond individually.

To who said they were the golden child and their sibling was the scapegoat... do you have a relationship now? And did your sibling point out the dysfunction in your family or did you see it for yourself eventually? Not that I'm holding out any hope my GC sister will ever see things from my perspective, she is far too enmeshed. Just interested!

I think the general consensus is that I still have a lot of work to do, my boundaries are still a bit too weak and I'm not quite free from people pleasing. But I am aware of these behaviours so will just have to keep going!

The female friendship group wasn't school mums , more a group of women through association. I'm not at that stage yet with my children. I've got a couple of years to practice before being thrown into the lions den. That was my concern, that I would get bullied by mums at the school gate and my children would witness this/ be excluded from parties due to me being a target as per usual.

Are you autistic OP?

Autistic women often struggle in group dynamics. They tend to be extremely straight forward, and don't understand why you would not say something that was true, but likely to offend the other person. The woman who you called out for being two faced, what did you think would happen? If someone did this to me I would never speak to them again, it's an unspoken rule you don't say what you are thinking in this situation. It just comes across as rude.

Do you often struggle to understand unspoken rules?

As for your relatives, again it sounds like you were correct they were being unhelpful, but then you accused them of not pulling their weight etc. It's not surprising they've backed away, you didn't handle it well. Why not just say: I'm really struggling, would you mind doing a visit etc?

Often autistic women in social groups will be ostracised, as they don't understand the rules surrounding interaction, and other members will strengthen their relationships by turning against someone.

Maybe read up on autism in females?

Anecdotally, most of the autistic women talk about being 'bullied' in various settings, school, work, baby groups etc. And they sometimes are, but often it's their social-communication difficulty preventing them from forming the friendships they would like, or meaning they cause offence and make 'enemies' without meaning to. Like with your two faced friend.

Thanks for your comments Alexander. I don't think I am Autistic, but never really looked into it.
I do have lovely friends, a husband, and other friendship groups that I don't have problems in. I'm not isolated or friendless as such.
It's the fake women/men I tend to have issues with as I can't tow the line with them . The ones that will slag off people and then post all over their Facebook page that they are beautiful, their rock, love you hun types. I tend to see through people's bullshit and these people then tend to exclude me from their groups as they don't like having someone that doesn't pretend they are the lovely person they want to be around.

Re the family situation and caring for the elderly relative. Maybe I didn't make it clear. I did reach out and ask for help as I wasn't coping and they had told me to do so if I needed to. I said everyone needs to pull their weight as it was all put on me and I couldn't do everything that was expected of me. That's when they turned on me. I wasn't aggressive or lashing out.

If you aren't familiar with family scapegoating it will be hard for you to understand the dynamic I grew up in.

With toxic people the trick is not to engage with them. You realised in that moment the woman was toxic so could have said ‘thank you. That is so nice of you to say’

Then never ever tell her anything. you now know so you withdraw. You never tell a toxic person they are toxic because they will punish you.

Another truth telling scapegoat here. Can't agree more with @12345kbm and @rvby posts. Thank you both, so articulate and made total sense of my experience with a school mums friendship group that left me isolated and alone when I could have done with their support during my divorce.

It is definitely a case of being able to identify poor friendship candidates before you make yourself vulnerable to them. My spidey senses told me the two dominant alpha females in my group were unpleasant types, which of course, my people pleaser ignored. I should have run there and then instead of trying to placate them.

Now I use what my therapist told me 'you can feel sorry for a rabid dog, you don't have to pet it!'

@scapegoatgurrrrl, I pointed out the dysfunction in my family both as a child and an adult. Didn't make any difference to my golden child brother. In fact he ran threw me under the bus and ran for the hills when I finally made the break for it. Probably because it suits him to be involved and he's in line for the inheritance although I suspect with me out of the way he's also fully responsible for my DM's demands for attention. He popped up recently trying to drag me back in. No chance!