I feel so stuck

[Stuck2020]

Posting here because I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life and I am going round in circles. Been married to DH for 20 years, have two teenage DCs. I have felt desperately unhappy for perhaps the last 8 or 9 years. DH is a good man but works long hours and does little around the house, but I’ve just got on with it and accepted that is how it is, but lately I have found myself wondering what the point of it all is and just feel like packing up and leaving.

I have tried to speak to DH a couple of times in the last few months and tried to explain how I feel but he doesn’t understand and asks me what he can to do fix it, and in fairness he has started working fewer hours and coming home sooner, but I dread him coming home because all we do is sit in silence at nights anyway, and have for years, he has started doing more round the house (when I ask) but I feel it’s too little too late. He admitted he knew I haven’t been happy lately but has buried his head in the sand in the hope it would go away.

The upshot is, I want to end the marriage and he doesn’t. I’ve told him twice now I want to split up but he doesn’t want to. He has cried and told me he loved me, for the first time in years but I cannot help feel it’s too little too late. He’s a good man but I don’t love him. I am torn between feeling I could be happier on my own, or having to live with the knowledge that I will break his heart, not to mention what it will do to DCs. I can’t end a 20 year marriage because of this but I can’t stop crying and feel so down. Has anyone any advice? He said he will do anything to make me happy and fix things, so why isn’t this enough? I can’t afford to move out on my own, and he won’t because he wants to see DCs every day.

I am not sure what I can say to help you with this but just wanted to say that I would be writing exactly the same post as you apart from that I have 4 children, work in a school so not financially able to afford to buy him out yet I could pay for the current bills. My husband has said that he isnt going to move out as he doesnt want me to move on with anyone else.

I told him it was over last January and its been an awful year, I sleep on the sofa and constantly have a bad back and I havent seeked any legal advice as I am put off by the cost of it all. I basically feel controlled and suffocated and would be grateful for some advice as to what my steps should be. I am reluctant to go to a solicitor as I really do think that he will force me to sell the 3 bedroom house we have and my oldest is taking her GCSEs in June and the next one is doing his next year.
Any pearls of wisdom that yo can share would be greatly appreciated oh and he has gone from being a Dad that didnt spent any time with his kids to one that is doing ok with the kids ie he came to my daughters sixth form meeting in November and that was the first time he had been in their school (2 kids there on in year 10 and one in year 11)
So sorry to hijack your thread but I am feeling so low at the thought of having to live with this man until my 7 year old leaves school.

Thanks in advance and OP you have one life to lead..... I want to go for mine but just been smothered.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You get nothing from it; you've told him twice already you want to split up. But you have not made the leap, why?. Whose sake are you really staying for?. He has not cared about breaking your heart and staying for the kids is a terrible idea as I have already outlined. Your children are aware that things are bad between you two, they certainly will pick up on your emotional distress and your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, towards each other. You're not fully emotionally available to your kids either because you are otherwise emotionally preoccupied with your marriage problems.

You do not need his permission to end a marriage and besides which tears as well from him in such a case can also be seen as manipulation for you to feel sorry for him. It is all far too little from him and too late. He is not a good man; he has been a selfish individual who has taken you, the mother of his children, for granted. Would you want your kids to have a relationship like yours is, no you would not. We want better for our children. Stop with doing your bit here to teach your kids that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Do not stay within such a marriage for the sake of the children. Its an choice they will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing. One day your kids will leave home (and sooner rather than later as well), what then for you and him if you are still together then for really what are your own selfish based reasons?. This teaches them is that your marriage is based on a lie and a loveless marriage could well become their norm too. Some legacy that is to leave them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Your children know their parents are unhappy and worse still perhaps even blame their own selves for their parents marital troubles. They may well wonder of you why you choose to still put him about anyone else.

I think the key thing for me is that you said you think you could be happier by yourself. Not 'with some other potential person' but just in you own company.

That to me shows that leaving him is a smart, well thought out decision. You aren't leaving for a 'what if', but for you. That's very mature and intellegent.

You don't need his permission to leave and quite frankly, he sounds a little manipulative. Words are cheap. And even if he could change, if the love is gone it's gone and life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

Your kids are older now too so they'll be fine.

I vote, live for you.

As for the practicalities of it all, do you rent or own? Who's name is on things?

You say you can't afford to move outbut have you considered all your options...eg: things like flatshares ect?

howtogetoutofthismess

The cost to you and in turn your kids by staying in such an abusive and controlling marriage till your youngest leaves school, will be far higher in terms of your mental health and these childrens overall well being than if you can divorce him now. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you if you choose to stay with him, they could accuse you of being daft and just as sad accuse you also of putting him before them. Delaying this too and staying with him just gives him more opportunity and years to further mess with yours and your kids heads; he is harming them emotionally as well. Under NO circumstances should you stay with him until your youngest leaves school!. Its a mistake of mammoth proportions and will be something you will come to regret bitterly.

Seek legal advice for your own self and do not worry unduly at this time about the cost. Womens Aid are free to use as is the Rights of Women organisation and this group can also give some legal advice. You have rights here in law; exercise them to their fullest and find a Solicitor who is well versed in the dealings of such manipulative men.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would not want this for them as adults and its not good enough for you either.

His current levels of interest aka Disney Dad routine will not likely last long either, they know on some level its merely an act designed to get them on side. They have seen all too clearly how you as their mother is treated by him, they are not fooled completely. There is never a good time to leave and there will be always something but you cannot use the kids exams as a reason to stay with him now.

Exactly how I feel. I want to stay in the house with my boys, but just don't know how to ask him to go? I feel as if that would be the cruelest thing ever, and I just can't do it. So here I am, trapped. I know you'll get some good advice here, but good advice only works if you act on it. Honestly, I feel so strong when I have read stuff here from those going through similar, and those who have come out the other side in a much better place, but as soon as he is physically in the house in front of me, I just collapse and let it go for another day.......The days of my life are running out. Hope things work out for you xx

I think you owe it to him to at least try.

Lots of comments and opinions from a bunch of strangers on the internet here but you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him what you’ve said here.

I think you owe it to him to at least try

Op has been trying for 9/10 years now. It hasn't been working. How much more does she need to give before she has tried enough? Her soul?

Sack that. I'd be ofskies.

Sounds to me like it's time to do what's right for you! You've stuck at it for 9 years your not happy and I dare say you'll be a lot happier not having to sit in silence night after night with him. I often read these posts thinking talk and try to make it work but on this occasion I think you've done your time and deserve to be free of this marriage. I wish you well xx

In this situation. I leave work as late as possible to spend as little time with him. He knows i want out, but wont leave. I feel stuck and like life is out of control all at the same time.

Stuck 2020 I am going through the exact same scenario right now, spookily similar. What area are you from? Pm me if you want to chat, I’ve got a thread going on here too, I’ve literally just posted saying I’m still feeling so down even though I’m the one who made the decision. Do you ever get that feeling when you forget for a few seconds you’ve split up? I’m not sure what to do, comfort him, leave him alone, I can’t win as both makes him so upset. Hand hold from me x

@Sugartitss I have tried to explain to him what I have said here, but he doesn’t understand, he kept saying it was probably because I was fed up and needed to get out of the house more often. He would be shocked if he knew just how long I’ve felt this way for
@Pinkbonbon house is mortgaged, in both names, have been trying to sell for months but can’t shift it (crap area)

@Unsureofthescore113 - it’s horrible isn’t it? I can’t bear to see him so upset like he was last time, so I really feel I should keep going, for his and DCs sake, but at the expense of my own happiness and well-being? It’s such a mess.

but at the expense of my own happiness and well-being?

Nope.

And continuing this will not do your children any good, so don't use them as an excuse to prolong things. As pp said, they won't thank you for it.

I think that’s the issue isn’t it. They are good men, and don’t understand why we are hurting them so much. I really wish he’d fall out of love with me. As painful as it may be for me. He keeps trying and apologising 100 x a day but I’m getting a bit sick of it now. We are going to counselling tomorrow but I’m feeling so hopeless. What’s your situation op?

It’s a terrible thing to say, but when I first spoke to him about how I was feeling, I was so disappointed when he said he was upset and wanted to work things out. I was hoping he would agree to a separation. He has suggested counselling but I don’t know how it works? Is it expensive? I know I don’t want to fix things, but he does.

PS good luck for tomorrow, I hope it goes as well as it can

Yes I feel the same. Will let you know how I get on. Hand hold from me for you op x

@Stuck2020
I feel for you I am on exactly the same boat.
Told him over Christmas I wanted to leave, was hoping he would agree that things have been rubbish for a while, but to my shock completely opposite reaction 😔
Now I feel stuck due to guilt of feeling sorry for him! I think me leaving will send him into a complete breakdown 😞😞😞

This sounds harsh (I don't mean it to, I'm just too tired to word it better ) but you basically have to choose between two shit feelings. Guilt if you force the issue and end it fully, or misery if you just keep trudging on. I guess the guilt will fade faster whereas the misery would be indefinite which makes it seem a pretty obvious choice to me, albeit still shit. I'm sorry there's no better options but at least if you split there's a chance for you both to be happy and I don't see how either of you can be if you stay together when your heart isn't in it

I suggest that you stay and work it out, you’ve said your husband has asked you what he can do to fix it, he’s suggested counselling and you say he is beginning to do more around the house. He obviously cares a great deal for you and about you. He is trying, he may well need some direction and suggestion from you, (why - but there you are....some blokes do!!). I get the feeling this chap is more than willing to try to bring happiness into your marriage. I have seen women come out of marriages with thoughts of greener pastures, the reality is very very different. Good luck, but from what you’ve said I suspect this could be worth saving.

We are all strangers on here and your lived experience, you clearly will know all the in and outs.
From what you have said you have been feeling like this for many years but your husband was unaware?
I appreciate that you say you have tried but maybe you both could do Relate together?
Give each other the possibility of trying to find each other again? You both must have at least been friends at some point? Maybe revisit the fun parts of your past to see if there if something still there?
People change, life moves on-even if nothing happens and no changes occur, at least if you both on good terms, it will be easier for your children.

*end

OP - listen to Attila and Pink. I think they have summed up very succinctly why you need to end your marriage.

When you know you're done, you're done. Particularly if you have no desire for a new relationship. Whatever he is doing now isn't going to last. Sitting in silence every night, no connection or affection, no fun... that's no life.

The only thing I would add is that, to save on legal costs, educate yourself thoroughly about the divorce process, so that you can ask specific questions and not waste time when you see a family lawyer regarding the divorce. Look at Wikivorce, get books from the library, buy Divorce for Dummies (or similar) and highlight/make notes.

Make copies of all financial documentation, including both your pensions, and make a detailed summary for when you go to see the solicitor. (Use Form E as a guide.)

You will feel so much better once you take control. And you will thrive!

Just get a divorce started and you'll work out the practicalities as you go.

You're not actually doing him any favours by staying with him if you don't love him.

What else do you have going on in your life? Do you enjoy your job? Have any hobbies? Good friends? I'm asking because there's something a little empty about your OP. As if you'll be sitting alone each eve when you leave. If he has been working hard for the family, a good father and generally good husband, perhaps it's worth exploring counseling. But are you feeling content, fulfilled and complete with the other aspects of your life outside of the marriage?