I (27f) would like children in future, he (25m) is uncertain

[EuphoricBroccoli]

We have been together for two years, and it is otherwise a healthy and very happy, loving relationship.

The issue is that I am in a place emotionally and psychologically where I would like to start considering making more concrete commitments and building a life together which includes having children (within 5 years realistically given my age). I am concerned that although on paper we are both at similar stages in life (stable jobs, living alone), he needs more time to decide exactly what he wants (specifically children or no children). He is caring, loyal and committed to me, but he still considers that stage of life a way off for him which honestly I can understand though it frustrates me.

He has previously expressed a dislike for children, thinks the world is too harsh a place to create more conscious beings in to (fair to some extent, but also a circular argument) yet also believes that it is the case especially for men that they gradually change their perspectives on it over the course of their 20s and "warm" to the idea. In absence of any hard evidence on this, it figures that you want to feel financially and emotionally stable before committing to it, but I don't know really how much this change in heart holds true in reality and I certainly don't want to foolishly hope that it will whilst I risk losing the opportunity for myself altogether. The hard fact of the matter is that I have less time as a woman and this is confounded by him not being older than he is - if he was older and still held this viewpoint it would seem more clearcut to us.

A few years ago I was certainly ambivalent on having children, but be it due to it my age (especially as a woman and the ticking clock that accompanies this) or my character, I have deeply reflected on this over the past 1-2 years and I am certain now that I would like them. I think it would be a positive, rewarding and challenging and the prospect of not having this experience fills me with sadness.

My timeframe is I would like to have my first child at 32. I have shared this with him and he believes we will work together to figure it out before then, one way or another. Whilst I have felt it is too soon to jump ship and desperately do not want to do so, I really struggle with the uncertainty of this all. It preoccupies my thoughts far more than I would like to admit, even though I have various other goals I want to prioritise and accomplish first (career, travel).

Any thoughts, insights or personal experiences on this would be welcome.

Hi OP

Its tricky as he is actually still young. A lot can change between 25 and 30. It's not like he has been stringing you along for 5 years or changing his mind. If you press him on it now he could say no and you split up and he changes his mind anyway.

I'd agree to put it on the backburner for a year but seriously discuss it in 18 months or so as you want a decision by then. I say this as someone with two children but at the age of 25 I couldn't imagine anything worse

I think you’re both young enough to change your minds on this. You have a solid 15 years of fertility ahead of you so I wouldn’t be pressurising him for this just yet, enjoy being young for a while longer.

Men do mature more slowly in young adulthood I'm afraid, that is the risk of a younger partner. It may take him until 30 before he even starts to consider it in his own mind, let alone discussing out loud. It's nature. And it's a risk for you.

I think that if he’s only uncertain as opposed to dead against, he’ll probably become more amenable to the idea of having children once his friends start becoming fathers and it becomes just the next step in a relationship among his social group. I think that’s how it is with most men to be honest, few have a burning desire to become parents in the way women seem to but allow themselves to be led into it because their partners do and because their friends are doing it (and probably also explains why many men are content to be less than involved fathers if they separate from their children’s mother.)

You’re both still young, he especially at 25. And if you both want to build careers and travel, I can see why he’s balking at being asked to make a decision now when he has no idea where life is going to take him.

I am on a similar situation, Back when I met my now husband (married for 5 years) I was not fussed at all about having children, my husband was very happy as he expressed he would never like to have kids. Now I am nearly 30 and have started feeling that I do want to have children, my husband still says he definitively does not want any, his brother had a baby last year which I thought will make him change his mind but it did the complete opposite. We have a great relationship and love each other but I am scared that this could break our relationship :(

Friendly It probably will. It's amazing how many women think "he'll change his mind" and come to resent the fact that they wasted all those years with someone - yet they were totally up front and honest throughout the whole relationship. It's a fundamental incompatibility and you'd be better off ending it now, unless you honestly and genuinely think you could be happy without children.

OP You're still young, he's still younger. I'd wait a while longer yet, but certainly I'd want some "commitment" to wanting the same things when I was 29. And be prepared to go - not by issuing ultimatums, that's not what it's about. But say "we're just not compatible any more" and be as nice as you can about a split if it comes to it.

@ShatnersWig I know, he has always said the same about not wanting children, I am the one who has changed, I also don't want to put him on the situation: if we don't have kids then i will leave you kind of thing. He always says how much he loves me and that he will be lost without me, so I feel a lot of pressure that if I leave him i will hurt him really badly yet I don't want to live to regret not having children my own.

Friendly The longer you leave it, the worse it will be both for him and for you.

URKidding
OP really doesn't have time to change her mind. Peak fertility time for women is 20s. Once you're into your 30s it decreases year by year.

OP if you're 100% sure that you want DC, I'd break things off and look for someone with the same life goals as you.

Friendly
Even if your partner goes "Oh ffs alright then" and agrees to conceive, do you really think he's going to be the kind of dad that a child deserves?

Your partner has been upfront that he doesn't want children. Fair play to him. You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker - which for many women it is.

Do you actually know what your fertility is like? I know your taught in school that you have normal fertility until 35 but that’s not true for most people. Then of course if he changes his mind you need to find someone else-how easy would this be for you? I wouldn’t assume you have time to wait just because you are still young.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation my dad did, he was a truly excellent father.