Do things ever get better?

[EmmaJBrown]

I need honest advice from anyone with experience of verbally/mentally abusive relationship.
If you are in a verbally/mentally abusive relationship, and your partner gets help, do things actually get better? Are you ever able to have a "normal" relationship with this person, or will the abusive behaviour always be there? Is it possible for him to change? Or am I kidding myself and need to move on?

It's not possible for an abuser to change or at least, very rare. I'm not sure why you'd want to be with someone who had abused you. Just get support and get out of there.

So in your experience 12345kbm, an abuser cannot change. Ever.
No matter the therapy or help accepted?

They never change.
Might pretend to, but no, never change.

No, I've 'heard' it's possible but never seen the evidence. Abusers forced onto perpetrator programmes simply use the programme in order to better hide their abuse. They read forums like this (I have to watch what info I give out) in order to work out what their abused partner is likely to do.

Abusers know what they are doing. They plan what they are doing and it tends to be ingrained. The charismatic, lovely, generous man you knew was a mask. The fact that he knew to mask it in order to lure you in and slowly erode your self esteem and get control over you, tells you everything you need to know.

Ok.
You've confirmed my own gut feelings.
Thank you both 12345kbm and Fallsballs for your honesty.

It depends on a lot op.

Are the intentionally abusive?

Who decided help was needed?

What conditions are associated with the help?

Are there children involved?

So many things need to be considered. Generally speaking I'd say you and any dc need to be at a safe distance and remain so until the therapy is completed AND you have no doubt in your mind they HAVE changed, not that they MIGHT change.

I don't know if it's intentionally abusive. He is under a lot of pressure and stress and takes it out on one person. Relentlessly. To the point of that one person being to afraid to speak.
After he calms down he is always sorry, the usual story. But the episodes of anger are getting longer and closer together.
The other person is too scared to mention him getting help.

I don't know. I've just left my bf because he was verbally/emotionally abusive. I don't think he means to be - I think he is very fucked up as a result of his upbringing. I'd like to think he can change but I'm not going to risk that he doesn't. Life's too short to hang around on the very small offchance that he changes, and in the meantime, it was all too damaging to me. (and in my case, my children).

Did you read Patricia Evans' book OP?

Not only does an abuser have to stop their pattern of abuse but the abused person would have to miraculously unlearn all the things being abused by them has taught them. Like treading on eggshells, being afraid to challenge them, thinking ahead to avoid abuse etc etc. It's really hard to change patterns as an individual, even harder as a couple.

I don't know whether an abusive person can genuinely reform, I have my doubts, but I think they've screwed the pooch with any relationship they've been in. And you can't unscrew the pooch.

Which book is that ThatThereWoman?

Catergory12 you are right. It's about both making changes. Making big changes to the foundations of an already fucked up relationship. I guess they need to decide if it worth all the effort.

It's called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It really shocked me how much I put up with that I thought was normal - I really was living the boiled frog analogy.

Thanks ThatThereWoman. Have just downloaded it.

you are right. It's about both making changes. Making big changes to the foundations of an already fucked up relationship. I guess they need to decide if it worth all the effort.

No, that makes it sound like both sides are at fault and that sheer effort can do it, I think, which is not the nuance I was going for (and women often seem to take as their effort alone can do it). How do you stop being afraid that he's going to react? How do you stop seeing that look in his eye and going into placatory mode? How do you police boundaries that he's already crushed a million times before?

So many people coming out of abusive relationships have really skewed boundaries that they have to reset. How can you possibly do that while living with the person who eroded them?

Have you ever tried to reset boundaries with someone, even over small things? They hate it.

And let's face it, abusers get a lot of reward from abuse - eg. sex whenever they want, all the housework done, emotional punchbag, sense of power and control etc etc. Actual reform from those behaviours loses them all that.

Category12
Wow. That was a powerful message.
That actually shocked me to think about it like that.

yes me too (I am only just out of my relationship and still love him).

I really need to reset myself. I'm struggling not to be self-critical about why did I allow it (again, because it's not my first abusive relationship). But agree with category12 - both sides are not responsible for the abuse. We were subjected to it, and all we can do is walk away. Enforce those boundaries.

Doing an online chat with women's aid helped me and reading why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I am learning to trust my gut again. Ignoring it for over 3 years and listening to the apologies and empty promises led me to an incident I wouldn't wish on anyone. I limped on another few months even after that. Please get out, take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. He never will be