No idea what to do

[FlyingSaucers111]

I’ll try to keep this short. I guess I’m just writing this more to get thoughts into paper so to speak.
I’ve been married 6 years, but a year or so ago he left me for another woman. We got back together, but things haven’t been the same since. A few months ago I found he was registered on dating sites, he reckons he’s not been chatting to anyone and we kinda just moved past it.
The more I think I about it the more I don’t think our relationship is working. He’s obviously not happy. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy.
He’s been suffering from depression, but he won’t go to the GP.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety - been In counselling for the last year and on meds, nothings helped yet.
I don’t really have any friends. I felt like I had to cut contact with them when we got back together as he didn’t like them for various reasons.
I sometimes wonder if we would be better off apart, but I’m so scared to end it. He’s hurt me so much, but I don’t want to hurt him.
Im just at a complete loss

You aren't getting better because the cause of your anxiety and depression is still very much in your life. Just read your post back to yourself. You don't want to hurt him? Do you think he was thinking that about you when he cheated on you. It's not working. Cut your losses and move on.

Maybe a break would do you good? Then it's not a definite end? Find out who you are without him and start to enjoy life again, make some friends and reach back out to the old friends. If he's left you before, now he's on dating sites it's not great signs and you deserve better xx

There are more red flags here than at a communist convention. I think you should consider how to reconnect with your friends and get out of the relationship.

You don’t want to hurt him?
Why not?
I’m not sure I could restrain myself.
What a cruel man
He sounds manipulative and abusive.
Please please think about leaving.
This will never get better.
You have one life. Live it

OP you're in an abusive relationship and it's not going to get better. He's isolated you from your friends and has been cheating on you. He hasn't done anything to prove he's trustworthy and you need to leave. Make sure you get an STD test.

Walking on eggshells is a classic marker of an abusive relationship. You shouldn't have to tip toe around anyone. Your depression and anxiety will miraculously either get better or disappear when you leave. Get some therapy in order to work out why you got into this relationship, stayed in it and to make sure you don't get into another one.

Him having depression is not reason to abuse you. If didn't have depression, he'd continue to abuse you because he's an abuser.

Get away from this man.

You're miserable and anxious because your marriage is a sham and your husband is a cheating prick. Lose the prick and you'll feel better than you have in ages.

He checked out if your marriage
He came back
Didn’t like your friends so you drifted off
He’s now advertising himself as available for a relationship with others

It’s not looking good op

How will you feel if he leaves again?

Thank you for your replies everyone.
I wrote the OP when in bed last night so rushed through it a bit and realised it may not have made much sense.

I guess I've never thought of it as being an abusive relationship. I was in a physically abusive relationship before him, and I've never considered this to be on the same level.

Sometimes it feels like he is really trying, but it never seems to last. I've thought about leaving but worried that I would be making a mistake.

I think I'm just getting really fed up with it all. All I seem to do is go to work, come home and do house work / cook food and go to bed. I stopped having a life a long time ago, maybe even before him. When we have his kids I do 99% of things around the house / getting them ready etc

But I know I'll be devastated if we break up, and I feel guilty for thinking about leaving. Like today he's being lovely. I know people think I'm crazy for worrying about hurting him, but I've always felt that way. I think that's part of the reason I got back with him - cause I didn't want him hurt.

I love him, but I don't think he loves me.

Why are his feelings more important than yours?

You don't want to hurt him, he clearly doesn't care if he hurts you...

Get back in touch with your friends, explain to them what happened. True friends will be there for you.

Your husband is advertising himself as available, is not behaving like a partner, you are only a housekeeper-cum-live-in nanny with benefits. Are they his kids and not yours?

This man is causing your anxiety,
LTB.

What is it with all these cheating men on MN having 'depression'?

All these threads. 'My DH cheated. He is suffering with depression'

Not depressed enough to shove their cocks up other women.

Leave this arsehole. You are living some kind of half life.

I flogged a dead horse for 20 years OP always thinking he would somehow grow up and change. He didn't.
Don't waste 20 years of your life.

OP if you can't stand the thought of leaving then see if there is a Freedom Programme running in your area or a similar group via your local DV organisation which you can find if you search online. You're in a cycle of abusive relationships having moved from one to another.

The Freedom Programme or similar will help you to see your situation and hopefully gain the self esteem and confidence to leave. He's not worried about your needs or hurting you OP. He's happy to put his feet up and watch you run yourself into the ground serving him.

Actions speak louder than words. What is he telling you?

I wish I was as strong as you guys! x

And then I come home tonight to tea on the table...

I'm not sure what that means OP. He's probably noticing you withdrawing and is feeding you a few crumbs to keep you in your place. Your husband cooking dinner should be something that happens at least three or four times a week. Next you'll be telling us he didn't use you as a foot rest tonight, which was nice of him.

Read up on the abuse cycle or at least, refresh yourself on it since your last relationship was abusive.

I know it shouldn’t, but the thought of him cooking 3/4 times a week made me laugh!!

Im going to have to just bite the bullet and do it. Never been so scared! I keep waiting for the “right time” but I don’t think there is one haha. Time for me to grow a pair and get it over.

You're amazing and you're going to do just fine. You've been through worse and you'll get there.

Thank you :)