Been married less than 6 months and think it was a mistake :(

[2017L]

I have recently gotten married but have been with my husband for 10 years and we have a toddler together. Since we had our toddler our sex life has become pretty non existent (I expected this somewhat but didn’t think it would last this long) we had sex maybe 5 times in the last year. This became an issue to me after the first year and I spoke about this several times with my husband, he assured me he was still very much attracted to me but was just tired. The times we do have sex it’s very different to how it used to be, no effort on his part, very little foreplay (he barely touches me).
Sex aside, in terms of our relationship he seems to have very little time for me. We are both very social just not together...I spend a lot of my time with our toddler and am always trying to do activities with us as a family but he is always too tired to do so or can’t be bothered. He spends all his time on his phone, it is pretty much stuck to his hand! He does work a lot and provides financially for us (though I do work too) but I think he thinks because he pays bills that he doesn’t need to do anything else. I feel like Cinderella, I look after the house, I go out with our baby so much on my own I feel like a single mum, I don’t get much affection from him, just a peck on the lips and don’t feel like his wife I feel like his room mate. I get quite a lot of attention from men, I always have done and still do so I know I haven’t “let myself go” and I make an effort to tell him how good I think he looks and try to give him lots of kisses and cuddles etc, but as I have been getting nothing back from him I just have gone off him. I love love and am usually a passionate and positive person but these days I find myself thinking that life would be happier for me if I just lived with our baby on my own. I think over the years since having our baby and moving in together that I have changed quite a bit in becoming a mum and feel I have done a lot of growing up but I feel like he hasn’t really evolved, and if I’m being honest I had hoped he would have. I do love him as we have been together for so long but at this moment in time I am not in love with him and I don’t know what to do.

Have you tried to talk to him about it and explained how you feel? I'm not sure I buy the tired excuse but it sounds like there is definitely something going on with him and he is checking out of your marriage. Would he agree to counselling?

Try talking to him. Ask him how he feels, and don't accuse.

I suspect he has checked out of the relationship and would be tempted to check his phone, but I've been cheated on and am a bitter MNer.

He doesn't want to spend time with you or have sex with you OP. You're not in a relationship. He had cold feet (or met someone else) before you married but went through with it. He spends more time on his phone than with his own child. I would get legal advice pending divorce. Check out the CABx guide to divorce and Family Law Panel for a solicitor.

Hi, thanks for your responses. I have spoken to him several times, I’ve written a letter and we had a couple of counselling sessions all in the last year with no changes. I have spoken to him again recently and just said that more effort needs to be made on all levels otherwise I cannot keep on in this marriage. I just want to be happy! And I’m conscious that with me being so unhappy at the minute, I a) don’t want to do something I may regret and seek affection elsewhere and b) don’t want to start treating him negatively because of how I’m feeling. We have a toddler and I want her to experience positive examples of love every single day, I don’t want her to see mummy upset or mummy and daddy arguing (which at the moment we don’t even do tbh, it seems he doesn’t even have the energy to argue with me sighs)

I'd be wondering about there being another woman, tbh.

I agree - OW will be on the scene.

To be honest another woman has never really occurred to me, initially it did, but in my heart of hearts I just don’t think that would be the case. Obviously I would never say never, and I could be wrong but I just don’t get the feeling that that is what it is. Although what the hell do I know?! sighs

I’m also married with a toddler and also our sex life has been almost non existent since my pregnancy. But the reason mostly really is that I have been too tired. When I get to bed in the evening I’m exhausted and usually just want to fall asleep. Having sex in the morning or during the day is difficult due to DC being there. Also bf hormones probably play some part regarding my lack of desire.

However our situation is better as we still have generally good mood in our relationship and we do things together as a family.

Just wanted to mention this to say that yes you can really be too tired to have much sex.

So sorry to hear this. Try to speak to him and also focus a bit more on yourself & your baby, and ensure you keep friends & family close.

Yes I think the lack of sex is the least of my worries these days. It’s more just the feeling of unhappiness, and feeling stuck. I don’t want him to be unhappy either and I’m not sure that he’s being honest with me about how he really feels, he just keeps saying he is tired and that he loves me dearly...but I said to him “what’s love got to do with it!” I need more than love right now, I need time, affection, attention and effort, I just need something and all he gives me is nothing

it Is not difficult to get distant when you are so busy and tired dealing with a young kid and their needs mostly on your own.

You need to create a time for you to connect as a couple. We used to meet for dinner at a nice restaurant on the same day each week, to have a good catch up on what we were up to. When DS came along, we started meeting once a week for lunch.

I do realise now, that the only thing you need is for you to put the baby to bed always at the same time, and spent half an hour talking about your day before you turn the tv on or start dealing with other chores.

But if he is not even trying... let him go, you cannot flog a dead horse, especially when you are already dealing with almost everything on your own and still have so much hope for a happy life.

Have you got family around to babysit. Could you go on weekly date nights. To local restaurants or even just to pub. Or bowling or whatever you did when first dating. If possible go on holiday or minI break without your toddler. I know you both love toddler but marriage needs work. Both of you together on date or child free holiday usually helps. And be structured /strict about phones. Discuss this one first, but maybe say "which do you love most, me and our marriage and family or your phone?"
Poss phone addiction, which is a thing.

Cross post with same advice as @idiotindisguise x :)

Thanks @IdiotInDisguise and @Daisy7654 I too have said we should do a monthly date night and actually both our mums are really good with babysitting, but somehow we just can’t seem to have any consistent date nights. I have another counselling session next week and hope to have him join in the next few weeks and hopefully I will get some consistent changes from him over the next few months and if that doesn’t work then honestly I think I’m done.

No, not a monthly one, it has to be more often than that, otherwise by the time it happened you wouldn’t know what to talk about anymore.

Better having one takeaway night at home on the same day every week (away from the phones and the TV) than a monthly one. 🙂

But concentrate on yourselves, not the baby or the house for 20 minutes when you are back from work. You need to keep the communication going to survive as a couple.