Mums drinking

[MiseryChastain27]

My mum drinks daily. I don't know if she's an alcoholic. If she is she's a functioning one as she still goes to work and does all the 'normal' things she should be doing. But she still drinks and it's very noticeable to me.

We speak daily and I can always detect the booze in her voice. She can become argumentative, bolshy or just makes the most irritating and stupid remarks. Today I had some important news to tell her but as soon as she picked the phone up I could sense the booze and just ended up cutting her off because she'll either piss me off or forget the conversation anyway.

I know she'll only cut back or seek help if she wants to. And she doesn't. I don't think she realises how obvious her drinking is or has even considered the possibility her that she might have a problem. The sad thing is she is a great friend and mum sober but I struggle to be around her with a drink in her so it's affecting our relationship. Sorry this is just a bit of a rant but it's so worrying and frustrating....

She sounds a lot like my mum, who is an alcoholic. Always been a great mum and grandma, but will start drinking at lunchtime (about 1pm ish) every day, and continue until midnight. Every day. Gets drunk every night and is fine the next morning.
I don't know your situation but we eventually had to say to her that we wouldn't stay at her house when we visit (they live 2 hours away and we visit once a month) and we would stay at my sisters instead because DC started asking why their nana 'got weird at night' and was falling over and waking them up by being noisy after they had gone to bed.
My dad drank to the same extent and he ended up with severe liver problems and told if he continued then he would die soon so he stopped right away, but she hasn't.
If it's really affecting your relationship then you need to say something soon, I wish I did because it may not have affected my dads health as much if I had spoken sooner. Just say you're worried about the amount she's drinking and ask her it she's okay x

Forgot to mention that both of my parents are retired so they didn't have work to go to

She is extremely defensive about it. Nothing gets through to her. I don't know exactly how much she drinks. I will have a glass of wine in the evenings some nights but with her it's like it changes her personality. I don't doubt it's affecting her health though. I've tried talking to her before but she plays it down or gets moody with me. Nothing gets resolved and as you probably know, people will only seek help it and when they want to regardless of what we say.
My mum also looks after my ds a few evenings a week when I work late and while I don't for one second doubt she's a risk or unsafe to look after them, I have to wonder why it's so bloody important that she has a drink before she comes round to be with her grandchild?

Know how you feel. Mine is in her mid 70’s now and I would say has been alcohol dependant for the last 30 years. Drinks around 140 units a week, every week, maybe more. I don’t think she has had an alcohol free day for over 20 years. Even when really Unwell, she still drinks. How she is still alive is quite miraculous given the hammering she has given her Liver.

Problem is you can’t stop it. Only they can. It is your right to choose how to spend your time though. I never visit mine at night when she is drinking.

Too late for mine now and she won’t stop. She has made 75 though so what can I say? You have my sympathies though.

It’s miserable seeing a loved one whose main relationship is with alcohol. Maybe have a look at one of the support groups for families of alcoholics.

As you say only she can decide her future. Just make sure you look after yourself though.

She's now wanting to know why I cut her off and what's wrong with me. If I tell her the truth it'll just turn into a row.

only she can't stop - when she's ready too. But my advice to you is to get in touch with Al-Anon - so you are getting support even if she isn't

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I’d have a think about what boundaries you have in place for dealing with her behaviour. Have ideas for what you can say. It’s ok to say that you don’t like it when she’s been drinking, and that you’ll talk later. Self preservation is important when someone is being chaotic.

It's hard to explain because she's not particularly abusive or nasty although she can sometimes spoil for a debate/argument. It's more that she's sloppy and annoying and says things that make no sense. I can't get a coherent conversation out of her so I don't bother.

I think it's worth going to a support group so that you have the strength to tell your mum honestly and without anger that you do not enjoy being around her when she drinks. You have a right to set that boundary. Yes, she will kick off - but if you can find the detachment to take this step you will at least feel a little better.

My late husband and my late mother were both alcoholics. Having boundaries helped me cope with it and stopped me from going under emotionally.

My mum started like that.....held down a very respected position until eventually it all fell apart.

I could tell by her voice or how she looked whether she'd had a drink or not - I hated it

I think you should probably rethink her babysitting your dc and find an alternative.

I would rethink the babysitting.

Me or DBro never call DM after 5pm because you can't get a reasonable conversation and she won't remember it.

When DP stayed with me for three days over Xmas they took their empties home - bottle of whisky, bottle of gin, 6 bottles of wine. Plus beers that had gone in our bin.

My dad never even seems drunk, mum slurs and stops making sense, they're never hung over.

Sometimes mum goes on the waggon for a bit if the GP tells her her liver function is bad. Dad occasionally cuts down if his weight is up.

But mostly they've been fairly pissed every night for 25 years. They're 70s now, so won't change.

Forgot to make my point, I have let them watch DD in the daytime now she's a bit older, I trust them not to drink before or until I get home.

Mine are like this too. Wine at 5pm, more with diner, “nightcaps” ie spirits through till bedtime: every single night. For years. It never shows with my dad, but my mum starts to slur, argue, get a bit pie-eyed. They are in their late 70s now but have drunk like this for at least 15-20 years.

We never had to deal with childcare as we live overseas, so whenever they visit it’s like a holiday vibe anyway, so justifies the drinking. And I generally phone during the day, when they are sober.

No advice, just sympathy.