How do you make your marriage work?

[jimjamjoo]

I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 3. We have an 18 month old. We are constantly arguing and I'm finding it incredibly hard. I'm sure this has come up thousands of times before but I just need to reach out.

Our DC sleeps awfully and we're so sleep deprived so that doesn't help. My parents are very hands on and help out but his less so. How do you make your marriage work in this difficult time? Any tips would gratefully received as I'm really struggling..

Together for 8 years, married 7. We have a baby too. We talk a lot. And I mean A LOT. Also, since we got married, we had the 'no raised voices' rule in the house - I come from a disfunctional family where a lot of yelling took place as I was growing up and it was very important for me not to find myself in a similar situation. 'No yelling' helps as we both make an effort to make rational arguments with each other when something is bothering us.

Second rule we follow is 'don't let it fester'. Don't sulk and internalize. Get it out in the open immediately and discuss it.

Third rule is 'we're one team, us against the world'. Every time we have an issue with each other, we remind ourselves that we're not in competition with each other, that we're not each other's enemies but people on the same team, fighting the same corner and we look at the issue as perhaps difference in opinions on how a shared goal can be achieved. This also applies to comparisons of all kinds (who earns more, whose parents do more...). Provided we both do our best to contribute and we have enough as a family - we never look into who brought how much and did what around the house (and during our marriage it was sometimes him earning more, sometimes me).

I don't know what is applicable in other people's relationships - but this works for us and helps us get through rough patches, which we (as all couples) have.

Mutually recognise that you are both in the middle of an important and stressful time for your family and that how you’re feeling now isn’t necessarily a long term thing. Any decisions or judgments you both make right now are not necessarily legitimate and should be considered over time.

It’s a bit like when you fly and there’s bad turbulence and everything seems chaotic and people get upset and start believing in a god and all sorts, yet when they’re back on the ground it’s back to their old way of thinking. You’re currently in turbulence, make no big decisions until you’re in clear skies

Married 16 years.

3 dc between us.
Eldest is a young adult now and youngest is 10 and one in between but I remember that time well.

It was bloody hard work. None of ours slept well either op.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.
Dh used to say remember why we got married in the first place when it got really hard and rough and it worked.

Laugh together. That's how we got thru some hard time's.

Little gestures towards each other personal to the other person worked and still does.
For example dh would run me a bath and take over the house and dc for an hour randomly so I could just get some head space and I would do the same for him.

Its always hard at times no matter how old the dc are but if between you you remember you work together and are a team it gets you through it.

With a child we’ve found it hard; sleep deprivation makes us both less patient and we get very little time to ourselves or as a couple.
I think we are both easier on each other when we do snap and let things go more readily as we understand why. I also try really hard to see his point of view as I often feel that I carry the load of having a child far more and don’t always recognise what he does. On the other side of it I see him making a real effort to give me some time to myself every so often.
I also make an effort to talk when I don’t always feel like talking; I’ll sit with DH while he cooks rather than lie on the sofa which I’d rather do just because I know otherwise we might not talk at all that day other than other our toddler.
Sometimes I feel like we’re holding onto things by our finger tips but just need to get through the younger years with our DC and survive it. We’re having another DC and I’m worried about the impact that will have but I know we can get through it however I’ve decided that we won’t have any more after that and one of the considerations is the impact on our marriage

Sleep deprivation is awful for lack of patience, snapping at each other, taking things the wrong way etc and went through some bad times. I think sleep training helped us so much with both not being knackered and giving us our evenings back to reconnect. I breastfed as well and I think this didnt help if I'm being totally honest as I was a bit touched out and didnt really feel like me both times but especially the second time, stopped at 18 months. We had got out the habit of being affectionate as well, things like holding hands and cuddling etc even though we are both fairly tactile with our children. We slept in separate beds quite a lot (still do actually) when someone is ill or the kids are up. We talked about it and made a big effort to be more affectionate again, it did feel a bit forced at first but now it seems normal again and even if we have to sleep in separate beds we still have a nice cuddle and chat before we go to sleep, even if we are pissed off at each other being forced to chat in such close proximity helps. Also we both apologise if we have been snappy etc even though neither of us is very good at it

You need to understand that things are not always great, but it will get easier. Of course I'm not really the best person to ask, I did manage 20 years though before he walked out on me (I actually meant my vows!). Give and take, talk a lot, give each other space, share

Similar to Ansley really. No shouting, no festering, just calm, open communication. We have regular chats about how things are going and what we can improve on.

Because of the sleep deprivation, we had to learn to "let things go" sometimes. You're bound to snap a bit more often and be more irritable but it's not intentional and it will improve.

We talk. We listen. We laugh. We cry. We rant (and yes, sometimes shout, usually at something in the News, a useful outlet for frustrated aggression!)

We realise that we're in this together, we're a team, no one would ever love our kids like we two do, and that it's not a competition as to who is worst done by.

We appreciate each other, and what each other brings to the table, we respect it - vocally and frequently.

We look for things we can do, to lighten each other's load, rather than looking for ways to avoid doing things. You'll really see one of us going either up or down the stairs without something in hand that needs to be put away!

There are no jobs that are only done by one person, although there are jobs that one person does more frequently than the other.

Lastly, our deal was, 'the person that leaves has to take the kids'. Great incentive to stay put!

Hang in there. It's a hard time, but it gets better, and it really forges the bonds of family.

Three under 6. I co sleep with youngest so he is in another room. But we still have a great relationship.
We talk to each other about everything, our jobs, our friends, our finances. We phone/message each other to share gossip/news etc, throughout the day.
We have shared finances.
We make time for us. It’s hard to get a “date night” these days but we try and get lunch together at least once a week. I come in for a cuddle before going to bed. Our weekends are about family time 70% of the time but we alternate our lads nights/ girls nights, one doesn’t go out more that the other.
We are very tactile with each other ( in the home only not in public). I am forever slapping his bum. We kiss a lot.
We bicker a lot too but I don’t mind this as I don’t like things to build up. We never go to sleep on an argument.

Married 8years this year. 2 dc. That's a rough time. Sleep deprivation can be a horrible trigger for extra anger and frustration.

Me and DH find that when we are in a 'real' argument it's better we both go into different rooms and then we text rather than talk.

This works for us because it allows us to have to really think about what it is we are saying. We can read it back and check that it's not coming across hostile. And also I tend to talk using I and me instead of you. This way I come across less aggressive and less confrontational and encourages better communication than just being on the defensive.

Me and DH find that when we are in a 'real' argument it's better we both go into different rooms and then we text rather than talk.

Really good point, we had/have our best arguments via skype.

I find we're on a much more equal footing that way.

For the period while you have young DC, do everything you can to let go of any resentment and “competition” over who does the most or is the most tired. It is a lot easier to have time back with your DH when the DC are school age so it can pass.
Also, sometimes when I’m feeling fed up with my DH, I take a minute to think of how hard he is working for the family and all the little things he does to support everyone and it normally helps me to appreciate him again and get over whatever the insignificant annoyance was.

No advice but sympathy OP, I'm in the same boat and know how hard it is to be constantly bickering.

This is the single most important thread on here.

A child alters the dynamic.

Find a path.

Set one night at least each week that you have sex and a bottle of wine. Even if it means staying up til 1am to ....
Works a treat. And send lo to grand parents every now and again. Also have a long soak in bath every now which is exactly what I'm doing at mo 5 yr old in bed 10 yr old on tiktok (not for long tho)

I’m following this, although I don’t have kids with my partner (we’re older), I’m still in a position where I want to make it work and neither of us have a great track record

We've been married 9 years, together 12, and have two reception age children.

We talk to each other when we are feeling things, feeling down, needing support. We make small gestures every day, a cuppa here, a snack there, an "I'll watch the kids while you take half an hour".

Now they're older we alternate weekend lie ins and when they were younger we supported each other to get rest where we could.

As with all things it's about communication and mutual respect. We've had rough times but under it all is love and care.

We have 3 under 4 and when they were little it was really hard. I agree with pp about the 'competitive tiredness' - try to remember that you're a partnership, it's hard for both of you but this stage won't last forever. Also agree about 'date night' once a week - it's a bit cringey but important. You don't have to go out - just cook a nice meal together, put your screens away and chat to each other.

We also went on a marriage course and I would recommend that. It helped improve our communication and resolve conflict.