Should I be bothered?

[AmIadaftmug]

NC, the usual drill.

As a very brief background, DP is very good to me. Never cheated, never unkind, always caring and generous. Been together 4 years, live together etc.

He started a new job about a year ago - his first proper job since leaving uni. It’s soon become apparent that there is a heavy pub and drinking culture at this company. Mid-week drinks at pubs, full day benders for birthdays and work do’s. Prior to joining the team, DP wasn’t a heavy drinker at all.

Anyway, he’s never back extremely late or anything - usually 11pm or midnight latest. It’s just, these mid-week drinking sessions are becoming very frequent. The other night I was wondering where he was, about to get dinner ready, when he texted to say he forgot to tell me he was having a drink with his colleague after work so would be a little late (he got home at 7pm so nothing shocking). Tonight, said he’d be back about 10, but earlier on said it’d be about midnight now.

So... I’m not really bothered, overall. I feel maybe a bit envious of him going out having fun with his colleagues while I’m stuck here at home bored. I kind of feel like it’s strange for there to be so many of these drink-nights with colleagues. Is it normal? Should I be more bothered?

First few years of working life was a lot of going out for just about everyone I knew. Any old excuse would do. Boujoulais day was a particularly eventful evening when outfits turned red and legends were made.

He’s having fun whilst he is young and like most people he will settle down. But he is still in a formative period of his life. You probably need to bear this in mind if you are ready to settle down. He presumably likes socialising rather than staying in. If you are the opposite then it will cause friction between you if you need him around a lot.

The issue isn’t him because he isn’t bored. You are. Don’t waste your youth.

Could you suggest joining him occasionally? Me and DH like being at home so neither of us go out a lot with people from work anymore, but we used to, and used to join each other sometimes. DH likes a rare night in to himself when I do go out with them now, but if he’s having a pint on the way home he’ll ask if I want to join them and I sometimes do.

Also, not only is it not good to be out drinking till 12 at night on a regular basis when you have work the next day, but it can't be cheap.

Also, not only is it not good to be out drinking till 12 at night on a regular basis when you have work the next day, but it can't be cheap.

Why? As long as you can still do your job, what difference does it make? Going out for a drink doesn't mean getting steaming drunk.

This is a culture that both DH and myself were part of in our younger days but the evening sessions were curtailed severely when we started being a couple. Being together, as a couple, was more important than being part of the group, everyone was fine with it. We still went along occasionally but it was the exception rather than the rule.

I'd say it depends on how often and how late. If its an hour or so a couple of evenings with the occasional late night ok. If its regularly late then I'd be wondering why he found his workmates more fun to be with than me. I'd get out and do things on your own or with your own friends, meals/cinema/theater/disco (do they still exist?). Its good to have your own interests but may signal that you're starting to drift.

My workplace do this a lot - we all travel by train into London so nobody has cars with them which means spontaneous drinks are easy, don't have to be prearranged.

Nobody is under pressure to join in, and those with tiny children tend not to very often.

My DH doesn't mind at all, thankfully. Our DCs are older teens now but he didn't mind when they were small, he was happy to feed them and put them to bed, and I would do the same when he went out.

OP I don't think you have anything to worry about, but I do think you need to find something to occupy these evenings when your DH is out.

Ok, looks like this thread needs to turn into suggestions for what to do on a night bored at home

Neither DP or I know anyone in the area we live in - I just know my work colleagues, but as I don’t drive it’s difficult to arrange meet-ups etc.

Where do people meet people?

Well, you could learn to drive - then you'll meet a driving instructor and be doing something productive with a couple of your evenings and making yourself more independent.

Try MeetUp for social and hobby groups in your area.

I can’t understand why anyone would want to spend so much time with their colleagues!

Where do people meet people?

Could you not go along and join your husband when he's having drinks? I go out two or three times a week with my colleagues for a drink after work, and wouldn't mind in the slightest if someone wanted to ask their partner to join us too.

Alternatively, exercise clubs I find tend to be a good way to meet people, especially running clubs. Or if you're political at all, join the Party you support and go along to the meetings? Our meetings always tend to be followed by a social drink.