I’ve lost myself

[Bush321]

Having a major crisis...
I don’t kno who I am anymore!!
I look at myself in the mirror and at the age of 32 I am repulsed at wot I see.
I’m not overweight, I have always been reasonably attractive but it’s just not me.

I have had a hard few years my dad and mum died in their 40’s within years of each other, 2013/2016. At the time I masked it with partying, drinking too much and making shitty relationship decisions.
I decided I couldn’t continue that lifestyle so changed my life around, got back to work, started going to the gym. Was getting back to a happy and healthy place.
I met a man, he’s a lovely man, but has zero drive. He’s older than me, after a few years of “seeing each other” we are now living together. We do nothing, we don’t leave the house, we don’t go on dates, we don’t even go to the shops together. He just sits in day after day. I’m actually counting down wen he last left the house (once in ten weeks)
I am still working, i am still alcohol free, I am now also at uni. I walk daily with my dog (a few hours) I am keeping active although I am no longer at the gym. I keep my mind busy, but I just don’t feel like me anymore. Each day that passes I am losing more fight, more energy, more determination.
A friend once told me that I have a horrible habit of “becoming the man that I’m with” I morph into my surroundings and become an extension of them as opposed to me. I’m not even sure I kno who I am. But I’m not the person staring back at me in the mirror. I’ve let myself go, I have aged terribly, I make little or no effort with my appearance. I’m basically my partner.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I need help

You need to be asking yourself questions.

Why do you become the man you're with?

Why have you chosen to be with someone who has zero drive?

Why don't you figure yourself out, before you lose yourself in a relationship?

I really don’t kno...
it just happens, I was seeing a man years ago who dressed well, loved walking and worked hard. And that is who I became.

And I feel it’s happening again. I’m becoming lazy (as hard as I’m fighting it) I’m barely leaving the house (other than wen I need to)

I’m just lost. I had a bit of a rough upbringing, I left home to live independently wen I was 15 my mother left us, disappeared off the face of the earth and years later my dad was convicted of murder before he died. I have had counselling I’ve worked thru these issues but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling off.
Hope this makes sense

You dont have to stay with him if he is making you unhappy.

I’m not sure I’ve put this across properly. I just wish we could do more, go outside. I think being in the house every single day is starting to play on my head

You sound codependent.
It is probably a feeling of safety for you remaining with him and staying home in your bubble, but at the same time it has become your prison.

You need to summon the strength to change your situation.

I recommend the book by Pete Walker called : Surviving to Thriving Complex Ptsd.

Complex Ptsd is caused by a traumatic childhood, you have been abandoned by your mother and had the trauma of your father.

Also watch Richard Grannon on Youtube he has some good videos on Cptsd and various relationship advice.
Also look into reparenting yourself. You had a toxic childhood and might need to find a mentor that can help you as a replacement for lost parenting.

This time of the year is difficult to get motivated.
Maybe start writing a list of goals even if they are little.

If you are unhappy in the relationship maybe think about moving on.

@lexipuppy thank u so much I will check this out