Can I pick your brains ?

[postitnotesrock]

I'm a bit muddled so would appreciate your opinions please. I'll try t keep it short.
I developed a long standing emotional affair with a colleague and close friend. Once I realised what it was, I asked him to stop contact outside of working hours and detach essentially. He agreed but pushed boundaries when we had a chat again and he pulled back somewhat. My marriage was in crisis at the time. My husband was non communicative and absent in many ways.
Once I realised that the emotional affair was directly linked to what I was missing in my marriage,Was when I asked for it to stop.
Forward to two years later, it happened that my husband had been having an affair and left.I am happily single and Have no interest in meeting another man.
My friend and I work together still get on exceptionally well and he is in a relationship off 18 months. There is no physical sexual interest in my side or his as far as I can guess.
However, he has started to text a lot once more and can be quite inappropriate talking about sex . I've not engaged.
Then when I see him the next day, he speaks about his girlfriends completely out of context. He drops her name into conversation for no apparent reason and it's awkward.
The reason I am asking to pick your brains today is that yesterday when I came into his office on work business, he got awkward and would not make eye contact with me.
The last thing I want is for that contact to start again.it does not hold good memories and I enjoy my peace of mind which has taken some years to gain.
Thank you.

Think you need to have a chat and set boundaries...something along the lines of you value your friendship/working relationship and have no interest in anything else...sounds like he may have a crush but also sounds like he is playing games...nip it and get on with enjoying being single

It sounds like he knows he shouldn't be talking about sex with you and then he drops his girlfriends name just so you know he isn't single

Stop contacting him other than when you need to for work , its all a waste of your time

Thanks. I must agree that sometimes it feels like he knows he has gone too far and then he feels guilty about contacting me.
I think he knows it's wrong and I have pulled him up on it twice before.
He will send some texts that are a little inappropriate, not suggesting sex or anything like that but perhaps sexual in nature , boasting about what he would love to do or what he had done on the past. He has then come into the office a few days later discussing his evening with his girlfriend and how he didn't know where his phone was for the night because he was with her 🤔
Over a period of some months he completely detached which was surprising but not an issue and then text me to suggest we pull back from one another! It was weird to say the least. I reminded him of my request to get back to just friends and he agreed.
My mind is a bit boggled.
Without outing myself and giving too much detail ,his relationship is not conventional in that he s girlfriend accepts certain behaviours that the majority of women that I know, especially me, would never accept and he knows this about me So knows that I would never have a romantic relationship with him.
It is odd though. I miss my old friend.

Can anybody else give their opinion based on my update please and thanks ?

I'm not really sure you can necessarily know what he's up to but he doesn't seem very good at being a friend. I would make it clear you don't want any chat about any intimate subjects - maybe just pull a puzzled face if he starts on that subject but don't say amything? It all sounds a bit messy and inappropriate and you may need to be the grown-up here

He sounds like a jerk.

I m hoping that there is not a side to him that thinks that now I am single, I am easy prey for him but yet wants his cake and eat it too.
Perhaps he misses the ego boost or the intimacy of our talks because I do not engage at that level.
I am not remotely attracted to him especially in a sexual way but he believes he is a sex god !

Ugh! Not sure I'd want someone with that mentality a a friend. He does sound a bit of a prick tbh

Tbh I am starting to get the serious ' ick' feelings. I'm not sure I even like him as a person anymore.
He has confided so much to me about her and her life in such a way that looking back he broke major confidences and now I'm pretty sure that her has done the same to me.
He has so little respect for her in many ways that I now know he has the same limited respect for me.
It seems that the more distant I am the more he wants me in his life and the mire needy and demanding his girlfriend, the worse he treats her.
He really is not. A nice person is he?
Although I am hardly beyond judgement either.

No that's not nice and I think a good insight into his character. I know someone who is always commenting on people's weight,
and it suddenly struck me - my god what must she say about me! This guy would really be making me uncomfortable!

He doesnt have any respect for women it seems. As far as he is concerned women are there to provide him with wank material.

It would be prudent to talk to hr at work and block him from being able to communicate with you.

Thanks Once more.
I have noticed that he has not messaged me on a personal level too much since I ignored sexual remarks last week.
He has increased talking about his girlfriend and all of their plans.
He seems shy and s bit awkward and won't look me in the eye.
I expect that he is embarrassed.
The more I keep it profsssional, the more he tries to engage with work stuff , looking for validation and compliments.
My friend believes that because he has found out that I am single and not remotely interested in anything other than casual friendship, he is more determined than ever to test the waters and my new situation is proving to be confusing to him and he is in a muddle as to how to progress. What are your thoughts on this please?