Where do I even start with this.

[ColdWinterNight]

I literally don't even know where to start with this.

I wasn't loved as a child growing up. I had quite an emotionally abusive upbringing - including being regularly told how unloveable I was.

I've had therapy. I'm largely healed but it's always going to be a work in progress.

I have good friends, interesting hobbies, I'm intelligent, educated and have a career, I'm reasonably attractive and present myself well. I'm well aware of both my positive qualities and my flaws.

I know my worth and have good boundaries so I'm happy to walk away from friendships and relationships that no longer make me happy.

In a nutshell, I don't know what else to do. I feel ove done everything I can to improve myself and I'm generally happy in my life.

Yet, I've never been loved or genuinely cared for. By anyone.

My relationships all fail for one reason. I'm not young, slim or pretty enough. I know this because I end these fledgling relationships once the negative comments about my age, my weight or my looks come in. I never get criticised for my personality, behaviour or character. The only aspects of me that men reject are those 3 things.

I'm giving up now but it just makes me so sad that I'm going to live the rest of my life without having ever been loved or 'chosen' by anyone.

I don't mean chosen in the 'taken of the shelf' sense. I mean in the sense of being prioritised and committed to.

I just dont even know where to start with trying to understand this ir why it keeps happening. Why haven't ever met anyone who has wanted me for me.

Yes, 3rd! 😆

And, Chew, I know you're right...

I think they are trying to imply I'm 'punching', yes
I think I'd be in a 'punch the fucker in the throat mode' if I had to put up with that shit
(of course I wouldnt actually)

Well I'm not at all confrontational which is why I opt for the walk away option.

You sound great. All these men sound absolutely awful. The hobby joining could be a good thing because you meet loads of people in a natural way. Pick something market-oriented though. Cycling maybe?!?! That always seems to attract a lot of men although they always seem to be in trouble on here!

Market??? No! Male...

@ColdWinterNight I get it, except we differ on two major areas. (a) My parents do love me, in an almost smothering way (b) No-one has every found me even attractive enough to ask me to marry them. I'm acceptingly happy to become that eponymous spinster teacher with 5 cats 🐈

Oh OP I could have written your post! Though you are doing better than me as my boundaries took a lot longer to kick in when the insults started.
I’ve given up too, as the last relationship has honestly broken something in me when it comes to dating or hoping I will ever find someone who will love and value me.
I don’t have any answers either but you are not alone in going through this and it’s shit. I’m sorry.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say how much I admire you for getting the help you needed to move on after the horrible experiences you had as a child.
You sound like a great person to me and I think you have been very unlucky with the men you have dated. They sound like grade one idiots who must think they look like Brad Pitt to put you down like that.
I am very plain but feel my personality makes up for it. When I hear the odd compliment I just don't believe it. My self esteem is low.
It sounds like you are in a good place personally and you have so much going for you.
My only suggestion would be to maybe look at dating older men. I have found that the older men I know seem to appreciate a good woman for who she is rather than focusing solely on appearance.
I think that you will find the right man, it's only a matter of time.
Do you have female friends who are supportive? Maybe going out and about as a group you would meet men in a less formal setting?
I wish you every luck in the future x

Are you picking men who remind you of a critical parent?

Buy the book: Why men love bitches. It is slightly outdated in some ways, but it still has a few good concepts.

Watch some relationship videos on YouTube by:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Derrick Jaxn

Quirky in terms of their own unique looks or persona being important to them?

Just wondering as obviously, you are not the only woman in the world who's unremarkable-looking, overweight and no longer 25. So if they are all coming up with the same weirdly superficial complaints, maybe it's because you're accidentally picking people who are especially superficial?

What comes across from your posts is that you yourself do not consider yourself attractive (even if you do say that you are 'reasonably attractive'...). Is it possible that this comes across to the men you date and perhaps becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy?

It seems to me that you need to become more self-confident. I expect you are indeed 'reasonably attractive, but might having a bit of a makeover boost your confidence? Losing a few pounds, a flattering new haircut, plus stylish new clothes... Also, exercising increased my get-go attitude tremendously and generally enhanced my positive outlook and confidence.

Finally, if some dickhead does come out with some idiotic derogatory comment, bat straight back at him, as in "You're no spring chicken either!" - and see how you go from there. Sometimes people just do not realise that what they're saying is genuinely hurtful.

Although you have to accept that, given that most of these put-downs seem to occur circa 3-4 months in, they may just feel that the relationship has no future and are looking for a way out. Which begs the question: in how many of these relationships did you genuinely feel that the man in question might be 'the one'?

I could have written your post! I'm also meeting men who are quite lovely in the first instance, but who also have some weird issues behind them once I get to know them. I think it's luck of the drawer and kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince!

Funnily enough, I said something quite similar on a different thread yesterday. I'm also 45. I think I was suckered in by songs and books in my youth and I'm somewhat dismayed that nobody has ever been enchanted by my loveliness, mesmerised by the elegant way I sweep my hair from forehead or whatever. "But one man saw the pilgrim soul in you". Nice thought, Willie Yeats, but no-one ever did (or cared if they did).

I can laugh at the gap between the romantic ideal and the reality, but the truth is, it feels a bit sad that I've never really felt fully known and accepted and loved by anyone in a romantic context (although I've been luckier than you with blood relatives). I do feel worthy of that, but I just didn't get it.

Maybe not everybody gets that in life and that's just the way it is.