Online dating - when is the right time?

[LongC44]

Hi all,

Just looking for reassurance really! I came out of a long term relationship a couple of months ago. Not my choice at the time and particularly hard as we lived together but it is definitely for the best. I wasn't happy and he couldn't commit to me. I've been ok really, it was very hard at first and I have had a few wobbles where I think I miss him (but actually think I just miss having someone there rather than him specifically) but generally I have been feeling quite strong. I'm 30 so don't really want to be wasting anymore time so I've started online dating and I have a date lined up for next but I'm feeling a bit weird about it. Not sad, just...weird? Is it too soon? How do you know if it is? I definitely want to meet someone else and be really happy but also I don't want to set myself back when I've been doing ok. Has anyone else dated this soon after? (Is it even that soon!?) It's been so long since I've done it I just need a bit of reassurance I think! x

Anyone?

It sounds quite soon to me, but I am not you. My advice is try it and see how it goes. If you meet some nice people, have fun and are happy to let go the people who aren't right for whatever reason, then that's good. If you start imagining marriage and children after two dates with the first guy, then probably you need to stop and enjoy being single for a bit.

You're only going out for one date- there's no obligation. Everyone moves on from relationships and feels ready at different times, and it will depend on why it all ended in the first place. Mutual falling out of love will be easier to process than one person cheating for example.

Are you feeling awkward about it because you're still operating under the old rules? As in it feels inappropriate because you're (were) in a relationship.

Even if you go and decide it doesn't feel right and you're not ready I wouldn't have thought it'll set you back, especially if you go with the expectation of just having a bit of fun rather than meeting 'the one'.

If a) you're looking for reassurance, and b) you "want to be happy" - then I think you're not in the right head space. I know you have the added pressure of time (though I had my kid at 35, so there's really more time than you think), but I'd say it is the right time when you want to date, but you don't need to date.

@LongC44 Hi OP, I'm here to offer a different point of view: if you're thinking of that myth "you should be happy by yourself first".... well it's a myth for a reason.

Humans are just happier when they're in committed relationships - studies have shown that.

Of course you should love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin/your own company, but why should you be shamed for wanting love?

Dating is scary, especially if you were in a committed relationship for a while, and it can feel weird, but if you do it right - and select the right type of partners to go on dates with - it can be fun and fulfilling too!

Humans are just happier when they're in committed relationships - studies have shown that.

This one isn't. Trust me: no study needed

Do visit The Happy Singleton thread on Relationships

I should have said happier when they're in healthy, satisfying committed relationships.

But maybe that thread is the exception that proves the rule! 😆

@StayCommitted that is exactly how I feel! I don't really feel the need to be single, I've done it before and got it out of my system and i am comfortable in myself, have a good job and am more than capable of being in my own company. I just prefer being in a relationship! I guess I just wanted to sense check that me feeling a little weird (and you're right it's the mentality of feeling like I'm still in a relationship) was "normal! And also probably secretly hoping people would say "I started online dating after 2 months, had an amazing time and met my DH on the first date" 😂

@LongC44 It could still happen to you! 😆 I believe it's just a matter of really knowing yourself and what you want in a partner as well, and making sure you stick to that mental list.

I met someone online and was seeing them for about 18 months. I went on dates 1 month later and when it got to 3 months post i realised it was too soon and i was literally forcing myself. I hadnt even given myself time to heal. Its literally been about 8 months since and i feel ready now. I mean that may be a long time but theres no rush. Whenever you feel ready..whether that be 1 month, 6 months whatever. Once youve completed disconnected to your ex anytime is fine

I've been single almost 3 months after a 15yr relationship with 3 girls along the way. In a way I want to be in a relationship but at the same time think it's too soon, also with things been at a awkward point with trying to sort thr house (mortgage) ex still in our house I've moved back to mothers) now wouldn't be a good time to start dating till things are sorted and in a position to buy new home for myself.

Took me almost 2 years after a 20-year relationship. I felt ready when I started noticing good-looking men in the street, and actually felt excited about the idea of who I might meet, what they might be like. I definitely wasn't looking for a serious relationship at that point, though.

I started dating after about a month ☺️ I just wanted to meet new people and keep busy, no agenda. Lots of flirting with lots of people, but I ended up finding a lovely guy on my first real ‘date’ after my split and then after 2 months or so we ended up exclusive. Still dating 3 years later... ☺️
I think as long as you have the right attitude (no expectations) then it’s fine, just have fun! You have no one to answer to now, you can date and shag whoever you like!