Online dating question

[Toomuch433]

After a 4th date how frequently would you be messaging?

Also, vague plans mentioned for the next date, but not fixed as they were after date 1, 2, and 3. Is this a sign that interest is dropping off?

I am a grown up and I knew that if I tried dating (after a horrible separation following a very long term relationship) I might make myself feel worse, but I wasn’t expecting how much having some warm human contact (the four dates) would highlight the stark loneliness with which I live the rest of the time. I work, have dc and friends, but essentially I am lonely as hell.

So dating has effectively made me feel worse as it has opened this well of longing that I had carefully sealed shut. I was on an even keel and now I am not basically.

Any thoughts gratefully appreciated as am having a tough moment . Tomorrow will seem better but at the moment it’s bleak.

How did you meet your date? Online? Can you start to message other people so not to start relying on him?

Yes through OLD, but I have since unjoined as I found the whole thing so crap in terms of the contact I had with people and wasn’t really enjoying it. Plus it messed with my head too much.

It just seems that I have struggled with so many things, and I am never going to stop struggling.

I know the feeling, to an extent. Just been ghosted after 6 dates and to be honest there were red flags and I’m better off without him but I can’t help feeling a bit disappointed.

How often have you been seeing him and has the communication changed? And sorry to ask, but have you slept with him?

Generally speaking I don’t think that communication needs to be daily after 4 dates, maybe every 2 days? I think texting too much can also be a bit of a red flag and remember actions always speak louder than words.

Hope tomorrow is better for you

Was it him who nailed down the schedule for dates 1, 2, 3? If so maybe he's looking for you to organise/initiate?

Thank you @TashieWoo I really appreciate it , and so sorry you have been ghosted that is really horrible (red flags notwithstanding).

No contact hasn’t actually changed, and I haven’t slept with him (the opposite, both completely awkward and we say goodbye with awkward kisses on the cheek and uncomfortable hugs ), so I might be catastrophising. I think I am all over the place in my head.

I organised 1, he did 2, we jointly did 3 and I did 4.

The fear of rejection is very strong and really horrible.

I know, it is so tough at this stage. I’m giving myself a break from it all now. I broke up with my long term bf in July last year and still feel a bit hurt from that so focusing on myself for a bit.

I think everything is probably fine though. When did you last see him and has he been in contact since? Is there anything coming up you’d like to go to with him that you can suggest?

Been there . :( sending hugs 🤗

Saw him yesterday and no contact today. Should I wait for him to suggest something in case he has lost interest but is too polite to say?

I broke up with my long term bf in July last year and still feel a bit hurt from that yes I think past hurt really affects things.

Yes and I agree that this stage is weird. It might be the beginning of something or it could also be nothing and of course you (as in one) hardly know the person.

Thanks @anonacatchat, hugs to you too .

Yes I would wait for him, definitely. How often have you been seeing him, weekly or more/less? Do you chat on the phone at all?

At the risk of sounding a bit like a teenage magazine article I think you need to work on your own self image before entering the somewhat harsh world of dating.

I online dated for a while, constantly put up with bad behaviour and then decided to work on myself so I didn't put up with arseholes then I came back to it and met someone lovely.

This man may be someone lovely but don't let your happiness be reliant on him. You may never speak to him again, but the fact you met someone, enjoyed it and had fun is lovely, try and see it that way.

Three dates during one week of the holidays as we were free, and since being back at work date 3 and 4 were one week apart. We don’t talk on the phone but might message roughly every two days. I agree that I should wait for him to contact me.

This man may be someone lovely but don't let your happiness be reliant on him.

Yes I agree @Thekindyoufindinasecondhand, and I am trying to tell myself that. I am also trying to tell myself, as you said, that I should be happy about the contact I have had and just see it as a privileged glimpse into another person’s reality. Which is what it is / was, not tonight I am struggling. In general.

SM and OLD is terrible for MH your not meant to have that much contact with that many people.

Remember most these people all come with baggage and a lot with mental issues. Because they are just like you.

It could simple be that he's back at work other things are stressing him or he's right with money so is just taking his time.
It could be that he's had his fun and is moving on.

You don't know but what you shouldn't do is take it personally.

You say there is this obviously space of loneliness but remember how many people after the first couple of month now have added relationship issues.

Don't look at it that since this experience you have noticed a lost or gap. Look at it as you had a good time and would like to find a good man.

But tonight I am struggling I meant to say.

I guess in general there are difficult things about my life, and this has really highlighted them. So I have to somehow fix the difficult things if I can. Some of them are difficult to fix however.

Big hugs.

Don't forget what you have done is something actually really brave. Lots of people wouldn't even have the confidence to be able to meet someone from an online dating site, then you have had the strength to put yourself out there and arrange to meet up another 3 times.
I really think you should be proud of yourself for that! Whatever the outcome.

Thanks for your message @Graciebutterfly, and I completely agree with what you say, and yes so many relationships are difficult (including my own long term one which ended).

Hope you feel better tomorrow OP, you aren't alone in the confusion of OLD. Like another poster I was recently ghosted after a few weeks which hasn't been nice. Sleep well OP and hope tomorrow is better and things sort themselves out.

Thank you @Thekindyoufindinasecondhand, you have made me cry (in a good way ). Big hugs to you too.

Thanks @ladyfromvenus . I am really sorry that happened, ghosting should actually be illegal . Yes and OLD is confusing, I guess things were simpler when it was more the norm to form a relationship based on a friendship. And when there weren’t billions of other potential partners available online.