What a mess

[Hotorcoldmakeupyourmind]

Can anyone give me some advice to help me get through the next few days. A few facts before I start: my DF died one month ago and I am heartbroken and my marriage is non existent. When DF was dying, DH decided to work away (optional) and pretty much leaves every room I walk into.

Here comes the mess...I met another man. We had a connection, flirted a bit and over the last ten days he has been messaging me pretty much every day. Two days were longer conversations (over hours), the rest quite formal.

I went along with it for the dopamine hit pretty much but now I feel like he is pulling back and it's making me feel very low.

How can I snap out of these feelings for this man?
I want to be selfish and continue the messaging but it's the wrong thing to do and destroying me in the process.

I know. Its depressing.

Have you thought about going into counselling? You've suffered a bereavement and this OM is a diversion to obsess about instead. Your DH has opted out and let you down at a time you need his support for whatever reason. You could maybe try Crusewww.cruse.org.uk/get-help/about-grief or speak to your GP to find some support.

Sorry, that post is a bit of a botch - for whatever reason of his own, your dh has opted out and let you down. Plus this is the link for Cruse www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/about-grief

You're right. I don't want to turn into a bunny boiler with the other fella.

He probably feels really important to you right now - but he's not - it's your brain trying not to deal with more important but unfixable things.

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried." - Megan Devine

So true category.

Dad was terminally ill before he died and everybody thinks I am dealing with it well, but only because I used this other man to make me feel better.

I feel like an awful person doing it and wanting more.

I need to snap out of it. Had a quick stalk on Facebook he looks happily married, then started to tell myself those are usually the ones who aren't.

Literally doing everything I can to stop DFs death swallowing me whole.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s a dopamine fix. It’s a drug and addictive. Therefore you feel you need your next hit and if you don’t get it you get withdrawal. If you see it in these very stark chemical terms it may help you rationalise.

You need to focus on you. You’ve had a dreadful loss and don’t need added complications in your life. I’d strongly suggest grief counselling

It's truly shit. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with PP's that your mind is letting you focus on something else rather than addressing your dad's passing and your unhappy marriage. I feel for you OP. It's so easy to get into things that make you feel good when you feel low but ultimately that thing that makes you feel good will make you feel worse in the long run as it's merely a distraction.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe focus on where you go from here? Do you want to stay with your DH? He doesn't sound very supportive. You can solve your issue with the guy backing off by blocking him. Then you won't have to go through the horrible motions of watching him slowly ghost you. It's hard to do but always better in the long run

I can't break up my marriage - it would destroy the kids and they are grieving too. It's also unfeasible financially.

Going to look into counselling. Thanks for the recommendations.

Wont block the man just yet because I need him still. I know I am weak.