How can I avoid resentment?

[SmallChickBilly]

It's a classic MN dilemma - I want another child, my husband doesn't and I have to accept it.

But I am struggling. I'm nearing 40 and I have been feeling broody for years with no signs of it wearing off as my kids get older. I KNOW that the parent who doesn't want any more trumps the one who does and I KNOW that even bringing up the subject is tantamount to manipulation, but I am worried that I am going to feel this resentful forever and I don't know how to get over it.

For background - I made it clear from when our youngest was quite little that I wanted another one (and actually always said I wanted three, although that was before we had any, so it doesn't really count, I know). He kept saying he didn't at the moment and I asked him to let me know if/when he decided one way or another and not leave me hanging along, hoping. Three years on and I had to confront him to get him to admit that he had made a decision, but didn't want to tell me becase he knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

I was upset, he was upset and I believe he is genuinely sorry, but it does nothing to mitigate the fact that I only asked him for one specific thing and he left me hanging like Miss Havisham, surrounded with baby clothes that I was keeping 'just in case', meanwhile he knew that there was never going to be any point to it and just said nothing.

He's not a bad dad. By which I mean, if he was a mum, he would probably be considered dangerously neglectful, but he is here, he does stuff with the kids, he's just a bit lazy and selfish and I've kind of facilitated that because he never complains about me (despite my many, many flaws) so I feel bad bringing up the fact that he does almost none of the family organising, planning, scheduling etc.

Post Christmas, when he bought roughly three presents out of the total for all our friends and family (including the kids) and I can feel the resentment welling up. My inner monologue is goading me on with the 'how dare he deny me another child because it will be a lot of work when he can't be arsed to even buy a present or plan a day out with the ones he has' (and of course, the devil's advocate saying 'if he's that bad, it's not fair to inflict him on another child').

I am so lost. I can't work out whether he's a perfectly nice man who is bearing the brunt of my disappointment at his perfectly reasonable decision to not have another baby, or a selfish arsehole who is denying me a chance to have another child because he can't be arsed to deal with the bit where he actually has to do stuff to contribute to their upbringing.

Is there a way to avoid this poisoning our marriage? I feel like talking to him about it would basically be saying 'If you don't agree to another baby, I'm going to resent you forever', but at the same time, I'm worried that I actually will and then it will be too late to do anything about it!

FWIW, I am not short of blessings to count and I am in no way under the illusion that this desire for another is rational or that it will ever go away, even if I had another (although I suspect biology would take care of that in due course and then it would be out of both our hands). But some days it feels like it's getting worse rather than better and I am so sad and confused and can't trust my own judgement. Any wise words would be much appreciated.

OP - what if you have a 3rd, and then feel the same in another 4 years time?

At some point, you will need to deal with the fact you will have no more babies.

Might it be helpful to focus on the impact to the existing DC (time, attention, opportunities)?

If you've relied at all on GPs for childcare/support - how might they feel about you having another?

I don't think a man should deny a woman a baby when he won't be the one to do the majority of the work involved. Fair enough if he was a full on 50/50 dad, but he isn't. I'd have the 'accident', personally.

I know you love your children, but why do you need a third?
I say need not want, because that is how it sounds.
We all miss the baby bit, the cute helpless baby, the pure love, but can you not get some of this from the children you have?
You say your doing fine in life, and enjoy being a family, but would a third destroy this? Could you cope if your husband left you over another baby, would you find yourself in difficult circumstances money wise?
Would you lose your home and the life you have for the worse?
You may say your husband would accept it but what if he can't. What if he walks out?

One thing that jumped out at me from your post...you are being very considerate of his feelings while not really being honest about yours. A casual 'I'd like another baby but I'd like to know when you've made up your mind's and he doesnt even bother to tell you, you have to work it out for yourself?

I know you don't want to emotionally blackmail him into having another child and I agree you shouldn't have an accident or give him an ultimatum or keep going on about it or put him under pressure.

But it does seem a bit as though you're bottling up your feelings about it to make it all ok for him. He's your husband, I think it's ok to tell him how much you're struggling with wanting a thirs and coming to terms with his decision (and the fact he left you hanging which made you think it was a possibility). Its a big adjustment if you thought your life was going to have x children in it and it turned out to be less than this. I'd talk to him first

Why would you want another child with someone your freely admit is lazy and selfish?

I don’t think it’s emotional blackmail to share how you are feeling. In your case I’d have to say ‘I really wanted another child. I accept that you don’t, but I am struggling with 3 things. Knowing I won’t have one, knowing you couldn’t be arsed telling me this for years- who treats someone they love that way? What else might you just not tell me to make your life easier? And third, your reason was it’s too much work. I do and have always done the lions share of parenting our children. I’ve vaguely assumed that you know and appreciate this, now it’s suddenly clear that you have no idea, aren’t remotely grateful and think YOU do a lot. So starting from now we are going to be balanced parents. I can’t spend another second taking the parenting load for you while you completely fail to appreciate me.

I feel pretty strongly about the parenting load and wife work,this is definitely how I would feel.

And if nothing else definitely stop taking care of contraception. Make him take responsibility for something.

@aderyn19
Absolutely, she should just stop contraception. And perhaps forget to tell him? That would help the ‘accident’ along quite nicely
🙄

Well, he didn't tell her that he definitely didn't want another baby - just left her hoping for 3 years.
She can tell him that contraception is now up to him, since he's the one who doesn't want a baby and if he's as lazy about sorting it as he is about pulling his weight, that might help the accident along nicely too.

Honestly can't believe the accident suggestions. I'm truly shocked

I can't work out whether he's a perfectly nice man who is bearing the brunt of my disappointment at his perfectly reasonable decision to not have another baby, or a selfish arsehole who is denying me a chance to have another child because he can't be arsed to deal with the bit where he actually has to do stuff to contribute to their upbringing.

3 things: first of course its possible that both the above statements are true, and at the same time. No wonder it's confusing and difficult for you. Second, I too am horrified at the many 'accident' suggestions. Third, as one PP said, your post tells us about his feelings (so he's been straightforward about them, perhaps) but you seem to have been more honest with us here than with your husband about your true feelings.

I believe it is possible for any marriage not to be poisoned by resentment, but only if you can be honest to and with each other about what is going on and be ready to listen, and reach an accommodation. Joint counselling, perhaps, or some counselling for you first?

If I were you, I would have an 'accident', but I am not you

This is really terrible advice, please don't do this. I'm actually shocked at the amount of people who think it's OK to do this.

OP, I've been in this exact position. We'd actually got to the point of agreeing to try for baby #3, I'd been to the GP and had my coil removed and then he suddenly changed his mind. It was a really hard time and what made it worse was that he didn't really want to enter discussions - his thought was 'I don't want another child so what more is there to discuss' - this probably hurt more than the fact he'd changed his mind because I just felt so hurt that he seemed to have such little regard for my feelings.

I think counselling for you both would maybe be helpful - but if you don't do this, then at the very least I think open and honest talking and communication is needed. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice as the only thing that's really helped me is time. We are 4 years down the line now and I don't really get that sad about it any more - my two children are now at an age where they're getting quite independent and I'm able to do things I couldn't do before, and get back into focusing on career and stuff like that. I won't lie and say I don't sometimes feel a little pang and wonder 'what if' but on the whole I'm happy.

Definitely talk it out with your husband though. It's a really tough situation because sadly it's a situation where there isn't really a compromise - you can't meet in the middle, it's either you don't have a baby and you are sad, or you do have a baby that he doesn't really want. I really feel for you. Talking is so important because it's so easy for resentment to build up. I actually considered divorcing my husband over it at one point but thankfully we are through it now and I do understand his reasoning. Good luck to you

Thanks for all your input - it has really helped me to be a little more objective about the situation.

Interestingly, the repeated suggestions to engineer an 'accident' have made me realise that a) I am not prepared to risk my relationship with my husband for another child conceived by deceit, and b) the fact that it never crossed my mind might indicate that what I interpret as a desperate desire may not be as desperate as I thought because however strongly I feel about it, I would have to feel even stronger if I were to consider such a drastic action.

I think I need to sit on it for a while and collect my thoughts so that if/when I do bring it up again, I can be a little more objective. I know realise that I need to have an idea of what I want out of the conversation, whether that's an agreement to share the parenting a little more fairly, an understanding that I need some time to come to terms with the situation or a bit more exploration of both our positions and a chance to speak freely with an agreement that we take each other at face value.

Thanks to all of you, even those who went with what I'm choosing to interpret as 'tough love'!

And to everyone who has found themselves in the same situation.