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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should we separate?

4 replies

cooperbug · 13/01/2020 13:48

This is the first time I’ve ever asked for advice on this as starting to feel a bit confused and desperate.

Basically I’m feeling pretty miserable. Have been married to my husband for 7 years (together for 10 years). We have two children age 2 and 5 years and I would say that things have gone downhill since having our second child. She was born with an undiagnosed abnormality which we both struggled to cope with.

I feel numb and my husband and I can’t even communicate with each other properly. We are frequently in a mood with each other and have lost respect. Our lives are centred around the kids who we love to bits but I feel we have no relationship together as husband and wife anymore. Sometimes the way my husband speaks to me is disrespectful. The other night I asked if I could lay on the sofa when he was already on it. He said no to me and added that he couldn’t care what I wanted.

My husband suffers from depression and started on anti depressants about six months after we had our second child. He is often quiet and moody, lacks energy. I’m not sure if they are working for him or if our current situation is just grinding us both down.

I spoke to him this morning about us perhaps separating. He seemed a bit shocked and asked was that how I felt before going out to work.

I guess nobody can answer if this is the right thing to do for us. I feel I just need some space to get my head together not being surrounded by negative energy all of the time. I feel that our interactions are starting to impact on the children and I don’t want that but I don’t want to just call it quits on our marriage either.

What are the signs that a marriage is over and how can it be saved?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2020 13:56

You've lost the ability to communicate.
You can get that back if you want to.
You need to look at some joint counselling if you are sure he is not being abusive.
He also needs some counselling or therapy to get to the bottom of his depression.
If you cannot talk about things like adults, together then you need some outside help.
Will he engage in counselling with you?

cooperbug · 13/01/2020 14:01

I’ve not thought about relationship counselling but I would be happy to give it a go.

I think his depression has been an underlying thing and all came to the surface after the birth of our daughter. I think he could possibly have Aspergers or autism himself as there are a number of things he struggles with.

How do I know if he is being abusive? Obviously it’s not physical abuse.

Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2020 14:15

THIS THREAD is a good read.
See if any of it resonates.
Have a google as well. Look up...
Gaslighting abuse
Stonewalling abuse
Financial abuse (or economic abuse)
Verbal abuse
Emotional abuse
Cooercive control
Psychological abuse

He just be an asshole or an insensitive twat.
If he is on the spectrum then he will have problems with certain things.
But you must communicate.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2020 14:16

I think relationship counselling would be a good idea too.

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