Sudden lock on phone/message notifications

[lora1231]

Hiya.

Just looking for a bit of advice, I noticed recently that my partner of over 2 years has changed his iPhone settings.

I'd clocked a week or so back that he'd put a passcode on his phone rather that it being unlocked, which it always has been. And then this morning I noticed he'd set his WhatsApp to notifications only rather than the message appearing, also what it's always been!?

Obviously I'm jumpin straight to worse case scenario and assuming he's now got something going on on his phone that he don't want me to know about, but am I being dramatic? I do have trust issues from that past and I don't wanna drag them into this if I don't need to. But to me these sudden changes can only mean one thing.... he's trying to hide something from me

Why are you looking at his phone?

Is it a work phone? My employer has a remote management tool that makes passwords and notifications obligatory.

Is he just adding basic security? I haven’t left my phone unlocked for 20 years. It just sounds normal to me.

I don’t suppose you could just ask why he has changed the settings. I mean he knows he has done it and you know he has done it.

I would just ask. But then I assume most people set the phone to this setting because they generally want some privacy and security.

Might not be specific to you. Like most people I have my phone on this setting. I don’t want messages from DP being readable when I have my phone on my desk at work. I don’t want anybody to be able to open my phone and access apps and messages. It leaves me open to theft and invasion of privacy.

Frankly he was foolish to not have done this before.

It could just be that he has updated the IOS and these are the new default settings?

I'd just come out and ask him. You can be honest and tell him you think it's odd that all of a sudden everything is 'private' and after things happening to you in the past, naturally enough it would creep in to your mind. Let him know you're not ACTUALLY accusing him of anything. There might be a reasonable explanation for it, maybe he is just more security conscious. But start it off by openly communicating, at least. Then watch his reaction.

My DP changed his notification settings because his friends send ridiculous messages that should definitely not be seen in the workplace.

Maybe he updated his phone and had to put a lock on. Just ask.

That's a good point actually, I used to have my WhatsApp messages displayed but because my friends and I have a dark sense of humour, sometimes our texts wouldn't be necessarily "appropriate" 😂😂😂.

I am a very open person and I do believe in bringing up problems there and then, but in doing that my partner gets fed up more quickly. He knows I'm very insecure about things already cause of my past experience and when I mention things that bother me in our situation he tends to always say, that's not me, that's them, you've gotta stop accusing me of stuff and all that kinda jazz (FYI I don't say it all the time but on the times I have) I'm now worried if I bring another thing up he's just gonna get annoyed with me again.

@lora1231 you need to talk to him whether he gets annoyed or not. He should be understanding of the fact you may have concerns with his behaviour being out of the ordinary.

Look it's not like you just picked something out of thin air to bring up, this only started after two years. You're NOT actually pointing the finger at him, you're just curious. If the roles were reversed and all of a sudden, habits changed, he'd be wondering too. Nothing wrong with that. If he really cares about your feelings he'll just explain rather than getting defensive. I'm sure it's frustrating for him too but... has he ever given you reason to doubt him before this?

If he has given you any other reason to doubt, then I'd be a little bit suspicious.

If not I would just ask him....you could just pretend to need his phone for something, let your phone die deliberately and just randomly ask him for his.

He should have no hesitation in handing it over and it gives you an excuse to find out why he has a PIN now and what it is

Also
Once you have the PIN take a quick look at his internet history.

Dont care if I get shot down by the privacy police on here. If in doubt, check it out is my motto

Like I said before, not having these measures on his phone was foolish. It opened him up to theft and intrusion. Something has made him conscious of that and he has put the phone on recommended settings.

It could just be general awareness that the phone was not secure. He could be hiding illicit communications. He could also be stopping you reading his messages and becoming suspicious and questioning.

Your relationship is fairly doomed anyway if you can’t have a discussion about this if it bothers you. You are anxious and suspicious. No point in pretending otherwise. You won’t get over it and nothing on here indicates you have that inclination. But you are right he might not give the response you need.

I would be impatient with your intrusion and ongoing suspicion. But I wouldn’t be doing anything illicit and your behaviour would push me away.

Checking his history would be a dick move if you hadn't even asked him for an explanation first.

Where are his messages backed up? WhatsApp backs up to an email doesn't it?

If he has installed Apple Pay the phone would have forced him to set the passcode.