Should I compromise?

[MissIsadora]

Hello everyone, from Scandinavia. I would really appreciate some outside perspective, because, for the first time ever, I'm questioning myself a little bit. Also, please bear with me if you find any errors in my message - English is not my first language.

I guess you can say I'm not exactly the average Jane when it comes to relationships and men. I'll be 34 years old in July, and I'm still a virgin. Not only that, I have never even kissed a man. Just because there are usually stigmas attached to people that are virgins after a certain age, I would like to make it clear that nothing is wrong with me. I don't have any traumas, I'm not asexual, I'm not unsure of my sexuality, I'm not ugly, I'm not a horrible, boring og unappealing person(ality), I don't lack confidence in myself or in my appearance, and I have no issues with men or attracting them. I have no mental or physical health issues, and I have no issues with the concept of sex - nor the idea of practicing it. My life is not messy and problematic, either - on the contrary, my life is stable all around. I just decided, at a very young age (and not for religious reasons), that I would like to remain absolutely celibate until marriage. It's a choice I have never doubted or been unhappy with, and that still stands now: I don't want to be intimate with anyone before marriage.

What I am questioning, however, is whether or not I should be more flexible with my standards in - and expectations to - men. I don't really worry about my biological clock, because I don't necessarily want children...I'm not desperate for them. But it is a bit discouraging at times to see your peers getting in to their second or even third marriage, and here you are, still not remotely close to getting in to your first marriage. Again, it's not that there hasn't been any interest on men's part...but there hasn't been any on my part...

Thing is, I have a really, really good life. I essentially want a partner that will enhance, or at least complement, my good life...not make it less good, complicated, miserable, problematic and boring. Aside from my parents, I don't really know of anyone that are in genuinely happy, equal, drama-free, loyal, fun and passionate relationships. Which is the only kind of relationship I would want to be in. But I have started to wonder if I only really have two options at this point:

I) To forget all about finding love and getting married
II) To lower my standards

I gravitate towards option I, but I guess I just want to know if anyone has managed to find a partner without having had to compromise on themselves? I should probably mention that I'm not looking for perfection, just an equal. I'm not asking for anything I, myself, cannot offer to my partner...so I don't think I'm being unreasonable with my demands. If I'm financially stable, I think it's only fair to expect a partner who's financially stable, too. If I'm free of mental health issues, I think it's only fair to expect a partner who's also free of mental health issues - you know what I mean? Or is it wrong to expect a partner to live up to the same standards you hold yourself up to?

I guess I'm doubting myself a bit at this point in my life, because people around me (my extended family and my acquaintances) have started to "remind" me that I'm not 20 anymore. And that the older I get, the less likely I am to meet someone that's right for me. On one hand, I understand and even agree with these people...but on the other hand, I don't want to let go of the idea that there's someone out there who's right for me, and I for him. It'd be nice to hear from others that have felt pressured to lower their standards for one reason or another...

All relationships require hard work.

There will be good times and bad times, sacrifice and compromise on both sides...

But being loved and having a family of your own, someone who cares about you and a partner in the life, building your future together... That's what makes it all worth it.

You don't want to live your life having not experienced intimacy and love. Wait until marriage if that's what you want, but lower your expectations. We are all human and we all have our flaws you included.

"But being loved and having a family of your own, someone who cares about you and a partner in the life, building your future together... That's what makes it all worth it"

That's the thing: From what I see and hear, it's not worth it. At least, in most cases it seems to not be worth it. It's obviously normal to want companionship, and I understand that almost any kind of companionship is often considered a better alternative than no companionship at all. But I'm not sure I feel that way. Ideally, yeah, I would love a partner...but not one that's going to be "hard work". Of course I have flaws, and I don't think any man comes without his own...obviously. I guess I'm just not entirely sure which flaws to tolerate and accept, and which ones are reasonable to reject.

Coming back to your decision to wait until you are married, have you given sexual compatibility a thought? You might be lucky and marry somebody compatible, equally, you might find that it’s not working. Divorce is messy, a quick: ‘you’re not doing it for me’ is less so. Just saying.

I have given sexual compatibility a great thought, yes. I mean, statistics show most sexually active people (at least in my country) aren't happy with their sexlife. Compatibility clearly doesn't come down to how many partners one have had, or when, into a relationship, one decides to have sex.

Would you be happy with the kind of "compromise" that leads to three marriages? You wrote that like it was some kind of fine achievement to have as many marriages as possible.

I don't think your expectation about being "free of mental health issues" is reasonable. It's actually quite unpleasant. Do you expect all suitable partners to be free of all physical health issues throughout their lives? Dumped because they got a cold or the flu or cancer?

Mental illness is not a character flaw, just like physical illness is not a character flaw.

What if you found your perfect partner and then you had a traumatic experience giving birth or had a car accident resulting in PTSD - would you expect them to divorce you for no longer meeting the "free of mental illness" requirement? Bin you as faulty goods.

Sex and intimacy aren't the same thing anyway.

"Would you be happy with the kind of "compromise" that leads to three marriages? You wrote that like it was some kind of fine achievement to have as many marriages as possible"

No, I just mentioned that many of my peers are on to their second and third marriages to explain what the "norms" here are for someone my age. And how not on par I am with those norms. Not because I want to be on my second or third marriage, but to say I haven't even had one relationship.

"I don't think your expectation about being "free of mental health issues" is reasonable. It's actually quite unpleasant. Do you expect all suitable partners to be free of all physical health issues throughout their lives? Dumped because they got a cold or the flu or cancer?"

No, I never said that. I was just saying I don't want to be with someone that comes with problems from the get go. I never said I don't want to deal with problems should they occur eventually, but starting a relationship on an unhealthy (whether it be mental or physical) note is just not for me. Problems obviously arise in any type of relationship, but that's a totally different matter in my book . It's a case of foreseen problems versus the unforeseen problems.

"Mental illness is not a character flaw, just like physical illness is not a character flaw"

I never said they were flaws. I just said I'm personally not prepared to be with someone that comes with mental or significant physical health issues. It's just a preference, just like people have preferences in what body types, hair colours, ethnicity, etc. they prefer in a partner.

"What if you found your perfect partner and then you had a traumatic experience giving birth or had a car accident resulting in PTSD - would you expect them to divorce you for no longer meeting the "free of mental illness" requirement? Bin you as faulty goods"

It's a question I can't give a simple yes or no answer to, because it would depend on my own willingness, motivation and ability to recover. Just like me supporting my partner through similar events would depend on his willingness, motivation and ability to recover. I have seen it too often that people with health issues (both mental and physical) almost find comfort in their role as a sick person, so they aren't willing or motivated to help themselves feeling better. Honestly, I couldn't be with someone that isn't even trying. And I would not expect a man to stick around for me, either, if I wasn't trying. We only have one life...I'm sorry if it's bad to not want to waste that one life away on someone that have just...given up. Or makes no effort.

"Sex and intimacy aren't the same thing anyway"

I know. But for some people, like myself, they come as a package. For others, they don't, of course.